Telly Talk

Emmerdale
The fight for Baby Arthur reached fever pitch this week (although, surprisingly, the fighting wasn’t about what eejit decided to name him Arthur).
We were treated to a whole super-duper extended special hour of Emmerdale as Arthur’s custodians, a pair of gurning Geordies called Mel and Greg, attempted flight when they learned he wasn’t really theirs.
Arthur’s biological parents were Laurel and Ashley who lost what they thought was their son to cot death. Alas, Laurel spouts every line in a nasal voice that sounds distractingly like Su Pollard, somewhat diminishing the tragedy.
Ashley, meanwhile, gave chase to the Geordies as they tried to make an airport getaway with Shadrach Dingle at the wheel. Ashley, we discovered, runs like the Bionic Woman without the high-speed camera shots.
Despite all this, the plotline was complex and dramatic – a welcome shift from Emmerdale’s usual one-tiered stories.
Elsewhere, Jamie sat waiting for his cabbages to grow and we sat waiting for Jamie’s voice to break. And Val discovered Pollard’s blackmailer was Rosalind.
"It was a black day, the day he banged into you!" hollered the Geordie barmaid (everyone in Emmerdale is a Geordie. Or Australian).
"N-n-no other banging occurred," stammered the oily politician, protesting his innocence.