Friday, 11 April 2008

Stair Crazy


Coronation Street
“I know you did it,” said Gail Platt, amid much blinking, finally realised David was her mystery pusher, finally bringing an end to “Stair-gate” (although, if they’d had a stair-gate, Gail’s fall might not have happened in the first place).
Frankly, we were thinking, in the words of Emma Bunton, what took you so long?
As Gail’s cloven-hoofed son, the Malevolent Munchkin, sat there, doing his creepy “whites-of-the-eyes” devil glare, the viewers of Britain were smacking their brows and asking themselves was: “How could you have ever doubted him?”
David’s smash-and-grab raid only confirmed his rotten-to-the-core credentials although we were pleased there were Street regulars on hand to give us a bit of light relief, of the kind you don’t get in Easties.
As Norris watched David set about vehicle windscreens in his yard, he asked: “What did you do to him – fail his MOT?
And Rita came bursting out of Audrey’s fuming: “Now everyone knows I’m not a natural redhead” – well, we’re sure that wig was once SOMEBODY’S natural red hair.
Trust Blanche to make the most astute of observations about Gail: “Never happy unless she’s got someone else’s hands around her throat.”
Elsewhere, Gail isn’t the only one playing Angela Lansbury. Janice is slightly more savvy when it comes to her relatives’ shortcomings and has been giving “urr Lay-anne” those rather unsettling “rabid terrier with a squeaky bone between her teeth” looks all week which could mean she’s on to her.
Next week, the whole dreadful Michelle-and-her-sons thing rumbles on. Even trailers for Bionic Woman are setting our teeth on edge right now because they star Michelle Ryan (No! Michelle! Ryan! We can’t take any more!)
Finally, this week’s Roy Cropper fact of the week: Donkey jackets are not actually made from donkeys.


It was like the Call of the Wild.
All over the Square, in a kind of call-response mechanism, Mitchells and Beales popped out their heads like meerkats, before ducking down again, out of the way of the eardrum-jangling caterwaul that was in danger of cracking as many windscreens as David Platt over on Corrie.
In fact, if you watched the trailers to Easties, you’d think nothing other than Bianca’s homecoming had happened all week.
Sure it was good to hear her again (sort of). And wonder how someone who still looks like a sulky, freckled 12-year-old has four? five? or is it six? kids.
But we were more interested in the Shirley-Phil will-they-won’t-they plot (ha! will they? Of course they will!)We love Shirley. And we can totally see why Peggy hates her.“SHE’S TOO LOUD,” humphed Peggy, loudly.
“An’ she has skirts up to ‘ere,” (trying to tug hers down a bit so it looks marginally less thigh-skimming).
But Shirl and Phil are made for each other. They both have the same gravelly voice-of-Ray-Winstone and the same stony glower where only the flicker of an eyebrow betrays the emotion beneath.
The post-hospital scenes were particularly moving, as Phil tried to comfort Shirl following her cancer scare.
“Personally, I always ‘fink bald is underrated!” said the big beefcake.
All much more interesting than the interminable Jack-Ronnie pairing or the mind-numbing wedding competition which, we’re afraid, form the basis of next week’s plotlines. It’s enough to make you scream, isn’t it? But probably not as loudly as Bianca.

Stone the crows! Donna Dingle In Interesting Storyline Shocker!
After years of watching Donna whine about how she can’t afford a wedding/ a house/ to adopt five of her husband’s nieces and nephews, we were all losing our patience a bit until Emmerdale scriptwriters had the inspirational idea of making her join the police force.
Since then, Emmerdale’s become a sort of Yorkshire version of The Bill and half the cast are now coppers (the other half are binmen, in case you were wondering).
Donna got herself a sharp fringe cut and has now found herself at the centre of a sex harassment storyline with her creepy Aryan-looking boss.
Hooray!Elsewhere, puny little Daz, who looks about seven, is continuing his relationship with that 30-year-old woman called Scarlett whom everyone misguidedly seems to think is a teenager.
This week, she bought him a car, clearly hoping that by behaving like some sort of Sugar Mummy will help to overcome the age gap.
Next week, we’re not watching ‘cos it’s got Lexi in it. And she annoys us.