Apprentice: The ice-cream ice queen

The British people were gathered on their sofas, possibly with a tub of ice cream (‘cos if it’s got fruit in it, it counts as part of your five-a-day, you know...)

Huge national celebrations had been planned.No, not St George’s Day. We were all set for “Claire gets fired” week.

Throughout this week’s Apprentice, it looked as if the Marmite-tinted holiday rep with the gob the size of Magaluf was about to get her comeuppance.

“I feel the guillotine literally inches from my neck,” she squawked, planting a tantalizing image in our minds.

Forced by Sr’Alan to lead Team Renaissance after sabotaging last week’s task, Claire looked like she was making a proper pig’s ear of this week’s mission – to invent and sell ice cream on behalf of a British farmer.

She swept into the farm, with one of the repugnant Jennys, accompanied by an appropriately Worzels-style soundtrack and immediately started dissing the locals (“I bet they all have webbed feet”). Then she took herself off on a suspiciously lengthy “cider-testing” mission and failed to arrange any sales pitches for the following day. “You’ve got to go really slow here in the country,” she slurred, when quizzed by her team.

Meanwhile, over on Team Alpha, things were running remarkably smoothly (despite one of their ice-creams being named Avocado-licious, which really didn’t sound it). Britain had at last discovered Lucinda’s “skillset”. She might not be able to work a computer, a digital camera, a mobile phone or sell much. But there was a shock revelation in store.

“Lucinda has been brilliant,” said Lee McQueen, who seems kind of endearing at the moment. “She’s a manager, that’s what she is.” Bless ‘im. We were willing him to shout down a phone: “LEE MCQUEEN IS HAPPY!”

Sadly, there was plenty of shouting going on on Lucinda’s team – most of it just noise from her so-called sales team.

“I am overwhelmed by how good we are!” cried The Best Saleswoman In Europe (T.B.S.I.E).

“How amazing are we?!” cried Lindaaaaay, who kept squeaking that Lucinda was totally irrelevant. She was second in command. Second. The most important part of the team. Yeah.

“We are going to make history!” babbled T.B.S.I.E.

Apprentice history, yes.

Fans will forever remember them as the arrogant fools who made us think Claire was going home. And then she didn’t. Because Renaissance somehow won.

“Lindi, you was second in command,” boomed Sr’Alan at Team Alpha (however did he pick up on that?) “Yer fired!”

“Why doesn’t he see how special I am?” moped the ever-delusional Lindaaaay.

But the best moments were still to come back in the house. “Sr’Alan thought I was quite cold...” said T.B.S.I.E. “...apparently...” (tumbleweed blows, a church bell can be heard in East Anglia) “...hmm...”Sr’Alan’s got to start firing some of these muttonheads soon. Hasn’t he?