You're always at home with Channel 4

Wednesday night on Channel 4 is always a great opportunity to get your catty head on thanks to the two property programmes Relocation, Relocation and Grand Designs.

The former did not disappoint at all last night thanks to the two wacky arty types looking for a bohemian pad in the heart of swinging London.

“Look at the beardy weirdy!” we were saying to ourselves minutes after Kirstie and Phil introduced us to this awesome twosome.

“He looks like someone off The Open University, circa 1975,” commented my other half.

And so we settled down to an hours worth of bitching as K&P showed this picky couple round one dodgy looking flat after another.

Kirstie, who was by our reckoning about ten or 12 months pregnant and had taken to walking the streets looking like Demis Roussos (see picture above), got increasingly exasperated with them as they kept changing their minds.

Phil as always kept his cool - but still didn’t manage to find them a flat.

As is so often the case with this programme, the couple managed to go off and do that by themselves.

We caught up with them late in the show in their horrible two bedroom hovel.

God, aren’t you glad you don’t have to live in London?

The second programme in the C4 catalogue last night was a little disappointing though.

All the previews of this episode of Grand Designs had talked of a couple from Wales who were trying to convert an old folly without even the services of an architect.

Brilliant!

Unfortunately, they must have pulled that episode and replaced it with this really dud one.

A proper boring affair where the very sensible couple spent about four or five decades creating a lovely glass and wood mansion out of an old shed.

Everything went fine.

And, of course, the woman managed to get pregnant and have a child during the filming process - as is always the case on this programme.

Indeed my advice to anyone trying to conceive a baby is to just sign up for Grand Designs. You’re bound to get up the duff as soon as Kevin McCloud and his team show up.

So, we’re left with a big mystery.

What happened to the couple from Wales and their foolish folly?

Will we ever get to see their no doubt very entertaining attempts to create a new home?

See you next week for the bitchfest!