Soapsuds

MUCH use Granny Deirdre is in a fire.
There was poor little Simon, trying to make the vital phone call on CORONATION STREET to the fire brigade to get him and Peter out of a burning building.
And there was Grandma, clogging up the phone line again.
"Are you all right, Simon?" she gravelled down the phone at the cherubic tot.
"Will you get off the phone, grandma? I’m trying to call the fire brigade," the little’un informed her, not unreasonably.
In fact, we’re surprised Simon could tell it was a real live fire. He’s spent so much of his young life around at Granny Deirdre’s with her Benson and Hedges collection, he probably thought that amount of smoke is par for the course.
Anyway, we were glad he was safe. And Leanne (rabbit Leanne). We weren’t that bothered about Pathetic Peter. As for his 80s record collection – well, that deserved to melt.
Elsewhere, Maria appears to fancy Tony (Liam’s not been dead six months) and Tom appears to fancy Maria. "I go for unattainable women," he informed her, pointedly. Maria? Unattainable? We think half the men in Manchester would beg to differ.
As for Lloyd’s "lads’ away trip" to Ibiza – well that, we believe, is a voyage through the universe with Rimmer, Cat and Kryten. (Favourite ever Red Dwarf joke? "That’s a really ugly picture". "It’s a mirror").