Britain's Got Talent

Britain's Got Talent
BRITAIN’S Got Talent. No, honestly, it does. If you really, really scour the screen until your eyes hurt, you might even be able to spot it.
Look – there’s Ant and Dec. They’re talented. Well, when we say talented, we mean they’re not so objectionable they make you want to switch right off again, which passes as talent among TV presenters. And Simon, Amanda and Piers are back as judges (no Kelly Brook – not talented enough to join these luminaries, apparently). If you’re still baffled as to what Pier’s talent might be, other than world-class slimeballing, you’re not alone. They could really do with a choreographer among the judges, instead of Simon Cowell pretending to be an expert on everything.
"It’s the show that turns ordinary people into SUPERSTARS!" announces Ant-or-Dec.
You what, hinny? Paul Potts? George Sampson? Yes, apparently, they are superstars. Paul Potts is, apparently "internationally, the most successful UK reality winner ever". More than Girls Aloud or Leona Lewis? We refuse to believe it. And George Sampson has... released a DVD. Good on that man.
This was the audition stage of the Saturday night, ITV1 show. Normally you can count on there being at least three talented acts. The rest will be laughably poor or mediocre stuff that makes Amanda cry and go: "You touched my HEART" while everyone looks very uncomfortable.
This week’s clearly talented were: that hilarious Greek father and son act and that all-lads dance group. So we had two hours to kill wondering who, among the crowds of Ferrero Rocher eaters and dancing penguins, would turn out to be Genuine Talent number three.
The signs weren’t promising.
"I’m Susan, I’m 47 I’m unemployed and I’d like to be the next Elaine Paige".
You could see sneery teens with over-GHD’d hair cocking a snook and Simon rolling his eyes. Amanda, to her credit, didn’t.
Then Susan unleashed a powerhouse of a voice and it proved one of the most moving moments on TV all weekend. Row after row rose from their seats to applaud. Amanda cried. Of course.
Never mind Elaine Paige – Susan could become more of an international superstar than Paul Potts, for Pete’s sake! Now, that’s talent.

Hell's Kitchen
Hell’s Kitchen was back (ITV1, weeknights) but it’s still not the TV event it would like to be – even if it does possess the alluring prospect of Nottingham’s answer to Piers Morgan, Grant Bovey, making a Tunnock’s Teacake of himself.
On the whole, Hell’s Kitchen attracts a higher calibre of celeb than similar shows, primarily because it doesn’t make them dance, send them to the jungle or destroy their careers through 24 hour surveillance. No, they’re here to "learn" from Marco Pierre White, the first chef to return to the show (this inconsistency has been part of its problem. Gordon, the original, is still the best). They’ve also lost Angus Deayton, replacing him with Claudia Winkleman – although they seem to have given her Angus’s make-up artist.
The celebs, meanwhile, clearly have some learning to do, as we watched Danielle Bux (Gary Lineker’s girlfriend) apparently pouring vomit on to bread. No wonder the man seems to live on crisps.
Trouble is, if you’re a foodie, you don’t actually want to watch Ms Dynamite whinging about Marco. You want to get a shufty at what she’s actually preparing and how she’s making it. How the celebs actually learn to cook always remains a mystery and the whole thing seems far more contrived than its classier mere-mortal rival, Masterchef.

Red Dwarf (Dave, Easter weeknd) wasn’t as good as it used to be but nor was it as smegging awful as it might have been. We missed Holly and the laughter track. But the fab four’s naturally ticklish charisma soon won us round.

They said it on Doctor Who
– It’s LADY Christina, actually
– That’s handy, ‘cos I’m a Lord.
– Lord of where?
– It’s quite a big estate!
David Tennant attempts to explain his origins to the aristocratic Michelle Ryan on Doctor Who (BBC1, Sat). He will be missed.