Apprentice... big rug, big rug

“You open your mouf like that again, then don’t even bovver to come back in this boardroom.”
The above Sr’Alan rant has been ringing in our ears for weeks now, ever since a clip of it was aired in episode one.
Who was he yelling at? What on earth had they said?
We pictured abuse… certainly verbal, possibly physical. A bit of swearing or something. Perhaps they’d gone too far and called Sr’Alan a dyspeptic gnome.
In the event, it was nothing at all, was it? Talk about a tempest in a tea-cup. Slab-faced Debra having a bit of a “who closed the sale” bicker with Nick. “It wasn’t ‘im, it was me, it was me.” Yawn.
We don’t know what it was, but last night’s task really failed to ignite (pardon the pun). The budding apprentices had one day to hare around London hawking random wares that might be valuable or might not be. These included a skeleton, a first edition James Bond book and a rug that was worth more than £200 but you’d feel gutted if you actually paid that because nobody in the whole of London seemed to like it at all.
The apprentices seemed baffled; in fairness, so were we.
At the end of the task, Sr’Alan compared the actual prices of the items with what the Apprentices got for them – and both teams had made a loss. So, let’s get this right? They could have just sat around all day with a cup of tea, brought back all the items back unsold and won the task, yes?
In their first rubbish deal of the day, Team Empire got ordered to trade Kate for Noorul.
Then, led by cocky little Ben, they sold off everything for knock-down prices.
Team Ignite, led by the equally obnoxious Philip, seemingly spent their day wandering around London shouting: “Big rug! Big rug!” Philip was followed by a little procession of people including sour-faced Lorraine, who was (rightly) convinced the rug was a gem, and an equally fed-up Margaret, who clearly had sore feet and kept grumbling: “This is the stupidest thing they’ve done so far”.
Eventually, Phil found a buyer but, despite winning, was taken to task for not listening to “Cassandra” Lorraine.
Cassandra? Ha! Whingey, more like. Our own startling powers of prediction suggest Lorraine will be fired in the next task she loses.
Sandhurst Ben decided he was going to take Noorul and James back into the boardroom. No, wait! Noorul and Debra.
“Are you thinking about James there must be a village missing an idiot?” asked Sr’Alan. James looked quite flattered.
Much though we’d have liked to see Sandhurst Ben or Old Slab-face get the boot, Sr’Alan wasn’t going to miss the chance to give Noorofen the boot. The firing was every bit as dull as the rest of last night’s show.

Ashes to Ashes - why we prefer Mars any day

Try as we might, we just can’t find much nice to say about series two of Ashes to Ashes (BBC1, Mon).

It’s not just that the show is not a patch on the sublime Life on Mars. It’s lots of other things too.

Indeed, we’ve got so many niggles with it, we’ve made a “big list”:

* We’re fed up with the non-stop trailers for it on every BBC channel.

* We’re bored of Gene Hunt, who used to be funny but now gets hardly any decent lines.

* We detest the way it isn’t set oop north any more.

* The car is rubbish.

* We hate that it’s called Ashes to Ashes. Apart from that being another Bowie song it makes no sense. Life on Mars meant something, Ashes to Ashes doesn’t.

* Why does Keeley Hawes’ character go to the effort of doing her hair and make-up in an 80s way? Surely, it would be a lot easier for her to just keep her 2009 style.

* Why haven’t Gene and his sidekicks aged a day since 1974, when we first met them?

* What month in 1982 is this new series set? Because Mirror Man by the Human League (as featured on the end credits) wasn’t released until November that year. Yes, we know that’s anal - we get similarly annoyed during Heartbeat too if that helps at all.

* Life on Mars looked authentically 70s. We don’t really get the same vibe from this 80s update at all. Chris’ quite convincing hair aside.

* What was all that stuff with the belts sticking out of the car doors? Actually, that was quite funny. But it still made no sense whatsoever.

* It would be so much better if they just ditched the supernatural rubbish and made a straightforward period cop show wouldn’t it.

That’s just a snapshot of our “big list” really. Possibly, more niggles will come to light as this silly series progresses. Not that we’ll be watching.

And yes, some people will no doubt complain that we’ve taken the whole thing a bit too literally and it’s all just a massive send up.

Think we’re missing the joke then.

Funniest programme of the week?

It’s got to be Nuts in May (BB4, Sun) as featured in Mike Leigh Night.

That’s right. The original film first broadcast on Play for Today in 1976.

We watched it with a 12-year-old who howled her socks off at the wonderfully odd Keith and Candice Marie (Roger Sloman and Alison Steadman) on their highly scheduled camping trip.

She’s also been going round saying “Kiss Pwudence, Keith” all day.

Marvellous.

Not sure we’ll be saying the same thing about Ashes to Ashes in 33 years time.

We count ourselves rather lucky to have a small child who gives us the perfect excuse to watch kids’ telly.

Otherwise we would have missed the fabulous Timmy Time (CBeebies, weekdays) - the new production from Aardman.

Cute, believable characters, beautiful production values, accessible storylines - and not a word of proper dialogue from start to finish.

A bit like Nuts in May, in fact!

They said it:

“Have you seen them thong things? You could wash a month’s worth of thongs and still have space for your bedding. In my day, four pair of bloomers and you’d got a full load.”

Corrie newcomer Connie explains the demise of her domestic laundry business to a fascinated Jack Duckworth.

Soapsuds - what's the point of Corrie's Natasha?

WE’D like to have a little rant about Natasha on CORONATION STREET.

And we know what you’re going to say – “Natasha? Natasha who?” because that’s what everyone says.

Natasha is another one of those recently-introduced, slightly “meh” characters like Poppy the transvestite-looking barmaid (you know... the one who’s become such good pals with Tara, she can divulge what Dev got up to during their break-up.)

Natasha’s the annoyingly smirky hairdresser who’s currently bedding boggle-eyed Tone. Tony, like the rest of us, seems to spend the best part of every episode forgetting Natasha exists. Then, she’ll spring at him, outside Audrey’s, trying her best to be all pouty and Angelina-like as she spouts lines like, “I’ll have to get an injunction on you”. Sadly, since she has the broad Lancs twang of Big Glen off Dinnerladies, her role as the local sexpot doesn’t convince.

Natasha aside, Corrie’s been quite good this week. They’ve resurrected Daryl’s mam who reminds us of happy, pre-Windass days.

“I’ll be no use until I’ve had a fag,” she informed Daryl as she swanned into the kebab shop.

“Then we can play ‘spot the difference’” retorted Minnie, her rival for the high-flying kebab gig.

Elsewhere, we wondered if Norris should have a sign on the Kabin door. “We don’t approve of nacky-noo in here”. It’d be one way of keeping Natasha at bay, anyway.

Be honest, you didn’t for one minute think that Zainab was having an affair over in EASTENDERS did you?

The fluctuating moods, the secret texts from “Bob,” the pretty new scarf? We guessed it was all to do with mysterious elder son Syed within about three seconds.

Oh well. Perhaps the writers have learned their lesson about dragging a mystery out from that whole Danielle saga (sob) and just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Can’t say we’re that interested in what Syed has been up to and whether he’ll make it up with his father.

Indeed, we’re far more intrigued about what’s happening between Masood and Jane - with their furtive glances and, er, titillating tea towel flirting.

But we suppose the prodigal son does provide a bit of welcome eye candy in a show that’s seriously lacking such important ingredients.

Which brings us to Phil Mitchell.

He’s fallen off the wagon rather spectacularly these days - meaning he’s finally got it together with the awesome Shirley. Hooray.

We aren’t half enjoying his drunken exploits, especially his penchant for Shirl’s surprisingly glamorous dressing gown.

And what with all that family’s recent woes, it’s nice to see at least one member knows how to enjoy himself in style.

It’s just a shame it’s all bound to end in tears...

Pants

Oh how I wish Harry Hill was still on at the moment...

“I like Pants Man... I like Captain Squawk... but which is better?

“There’s only one way to find out.... FIGHT!!!!!”

Unfortunately, we’ll never get to see those costumed characters scrapping on the floor in that inimitable HH way.

Never mind, last night’s advertising task was probably more hilarious than any sketch you’re likely to see on a dedicated comedy show.

The teams were asked to come up with a new breakfast cereal brand and a promotional kids’ character, which would be launched in front of a room bursting with top London advertising execs.

Although let’s face it, most of the people crammed into that room were probably just nosy office workers sneaking a look at what were bound to be embarrassingly terrible presentations.

American Creme Puff Kimberly and her team of “creatives” came up with the ludicrous Pants Man. Largely because Phil stamped his foot and said he wouldn’t play any more if they didn’t run with his barmy idea.

I’d almost forgotten Mona was still in the show by the time she took to the mike to lead their pitch - but she sure as heck ended up creating a memorable telly moment.

After carefully explaining the benefits of eating bran flakes and five, or possibly three, portions of fruit and veg a day, she got straight to the point about her new cereal Wake Up Call.

“You won’t dress up like Pants Man... because you’re not Pants Man.... Only Pants Man gets away with his pants over his... clothes.”

What the blobbing hell was she on about?

For a minute there, I did think there was going to be a last minute twist - and this apparently terrible idea would end up winning on a technicality, as so often happens on The Apprentice.

You know, it had the best colour box or the other team had forgotten to mention something really vital.

Thankfully, Treasure Flakes and Captain Squawk rightfully won the day for the marvellous Kate.

Although the little lad in her ad nearly scuppered them: “I don’t have to eat it do I? I’ve got a nut allergy...” Arf.

Faced with a firing, Kimberly had ample opportunity to take some of the quiet numpties who did absolutely nothing on the task into the boardroom.

Instead, she took loudmouth Phil and lamentable Lorraine - both of whom wiped the floor with her.

Serves her right for starting the task off with that fatal grin of enthusiasm and the boastful: “Yes! This is the task I’ve been waiting for...”

Wake up call indeed.

Hell's Kitchen walk-out

EXCLUSIVE: Sacked Grant Bovey has revealed one of his fellow celebrities has walked out of Hell’s Kitchen... but he doesn’t know who.Carlton-born Grant, 48, became the second contestant to be fired by chef Marco Pierre White on the ITV1 reality show last night.But he has been told another contestant has since quit the series... and he fears it may be his wife, TV presenter Anthea Turner, who was in tears following his firing.“I’m hoping it’s not Anthea. If it is her, I think they’ll allow her to phone me shortly,” he said in an interview with the Evening Post, following his departure.He also wondered if Niomi Daley, aka Ms Dynamite, may have been the one to leave.“Niomi is very principled,” he said. “If it’s her who’s gone, I’ll be miffed because I think last night’s sacking was between her and me. It’s a waste of a position.”Grant ruled out fellow contestants, goalkeeper Bruce Grobbelaar and comedian Adrian Edmondson, as potential quitters.“Bruce is very steady and Adrian is taking the competition very seriously,” he said.
*Read the full interview with Grant in Friday’s Evening Post.

Britain's Got Talent

Britain's Got Talent
BRITAIN’S Got Talent. No, honestly, it does. If you really, really scour the screen until your eyes hurt, you might even be able to spot it.
Look – there’s Ant and Dec. They’re talented. Well, when we say talented, we mean they’re not so objectionable they make you want to switch right off again, which passes as talent among TV presenters. And Simon, Amanda and Piers are back as judges (no Kelly Brook – not talented enough to join these luminaries, apparently). If you’re still baffled as to what Pier’s talent might be, other than world-class slimeballing, you’re not alone. They could really do with a choreographer among the judges, instead of Simon Cowell pretending to be an expert on everything.
"It’s the show that turns ordinary people into SUPERSTARS!" announces Ant-or-Dec.
You what, hinny? Paul Potts? George Sampson? Yes, apparently, they are superstars. Paul Potts is, apparently "internationally, the most successful UK reality winner ever". More than Girls Aloud or Leona Lewis? We refuse to believe it. And George Sampson has... released a DVD. Good on that man.
This was the audition stage of the Saturday night, ITV1 show. Normally you can count on there being at least three talented acts. The rest will be laughably poor or mediocre stuff that makes Amanda cry and go: "You touched my HEART" while everyone looks very uncomfortable.
This week’s clearly talented were: that hilarious Greek father and son act and that all-lads dance group. So we had two hours to kill wondering who, among the crowds of Ferrero Rocher eaters and dancing penguins, would turn out to be Genuine Talent number three.
The signs weren’t promising.
"I’m Susan, I’m 47 I’m unemployed and I’d like to be the next Elaine Paige".
You could see sneery teens with over-GHD’d hair cocking a snook and Simon rolling his eyes. Amanda, to her credit, didn’t.
Then Susan unleashed a powerhouse of a voice and it proved one of the most moving moments on TV all weekend. Row after row rose from their seats to applaud. Amanda cried. Of course.
Never mind Elaine Paige – Susan could become more of an international superstar than Paul Potts, for Pete’s sake! Now, that’s talent.

Hell's Kitchen
Hell’s Kitchen was back (ITV1, weeknights) but it’s still not the TV event it would like to be – even if it does possess the alluring prospect of Nottingham’s answer to Piers Morgan, Grant Bovey, making a Tunnock’s Teacake of himself.
On the whole, Hell’s Kitchen attracts a higher calibre of celeb than similar shows, primarily because it doesn’t make them dance, send them to the jungle or destroy their careers through 24 hour surveillance. No, they’re here to "learn" from Marco Pierre White, the first chef to return to the show (this inconsistency has been part of its problem. Gordon, the original, is still the best). They’ve also lost Angus Deayton, replacing him with Claudia Winkleman – although they seem to have given her Angus’s make-up artist.
The celebs, meanwhile, clearly have some learning to do, as we watched Danielle Bux (Gary Lineker’s girlfriend) apparently pouring vomit on to bread. No wonder the man seems to live on crisps.
Trouble is, if you’re a foodie, you don’t actually want to watch Ms Dynamite whinging about Marco. You want to get a shufty at what she’s actually preparing and how she’s making it. How the celebs actually learn to cook always remains a mystery and the whole thing seems far more contrived than its classier mere-mortal rival, Masterchef.

Red Dwarf (Dave, Easter weeknd) wasn’t as good as it used to be but nor was it as smegging awful as it might have been. We missed Holly and the laughter track. But the fab four’s naturally ticklish charisma soon won us round.

They said it on Doctor Who
– It’s LADY Christina, actually
– That’s handy, ‘cos I’m a Lord.
– Lord of where?
– It’s quite a big estate!
David Tennant attempts to explain his origins to the aristocratic Michelle Ryan on Doctor Who (BBC1, Sat). He will be missed.

Soapsuds

Corrie

SO whatever happened to Hayley’s plans to be a social worker? Presumably they’ve gone the same way as Janice Battersby’s grand scheme to be a nurse.
For now, it seems Hayley’s only job is working alongside her other half in Roy’s Rolls. So why do they need Tweety Pie Windass to help them behind the counter?
We suppose the scriptwriters are thinking that because we all fell in love with Becky dishing up the bacon butties, we’ll therefore clasp the entire Windass family to our bosoms now Anna’s got her job. But if she continues communicating in helium-speak, it’s definitely not going to happen.
Elsewhere, poor old Ken found himself caught between chive-sprinkling Stephanie Beecham and ash-sprinkling Deirdre. When he discovered love of his life Martha had swanned off down the river, things got a bit desperate.
"Martha – where are you moooooored?!" he wailed, in the same manner Fred Flintstone used to summon Wilma to the door.
And Corrie’s writers seem to be over-using Simon’s acting abilities. In that he’s getting at least half the lines in the show now. We know it must be exciting to find a child-actor who can actually act (following years of Mute Amy) but give someone else a chance, can’t you?

Easties
At least Corrie isn’t as bad as Eastenders, where it seems half the cast are under three feet tall at the moment (and we don’t mean in a Wizard of Oz kind of way).
You get an odd glimpse of the occasional grown-up (Phil, Dot, Roxy), then the rest of the air-time is devoted to under-12 Easter Egg hunts and karaoke competitions.
This Easter, they also decided to treat us to a resurrection of the never-ending plotline that involves Abi trying to set up her mum and dad because they’re "made 4 each other". Somebody give that child some hobbies.
Even Nick Cotton’s getting Pippi Longstocking to his dirty work. And how dirty that work can be with a nine-year-old in charge? We suspect not very.
Phil Mitchell seemed as baffled as we were by this week of Kindergarten Cockneys.
"Why are you here?" he grunted at Ben.
"It’s the school holidays."
"Where’s Roxy?"
"Out for the day."
"So who’s running this place?" asked Phil, waving his hand at the Vic.
Presumably a nine-year-old.

The Apprentice - the sweet smell of success

OK, we know Paula probably wouldn’t have made the final. Too likeable. And can’t do maths.
But it seems so harsh to lose an otherwise reasonable candidate so early on. You could see Sr’alan doing some calculations of his own about the three victims in last night’s boardroom, though. Yasmina has won a task. And Ben? Well, he’s just good telly. Unfortunately, the little turd has “entertainment value” written all over him. Plus, he won a scholarship to Sandhurst – did you know that?
On the plus side for Paula, Sr’alan was weirdly complimentary about her product… he liked it so much we thought he was about to go and have a relaxing aromatic shower at one point.
You could tell Sr’alan would immeasurably rather have pointed his finger in opposing team leader Noorul’s direction – perhaps because as he was oozing contempt about Ignite’s soap, that soap was simultaneously oozing honey on to his suit.
Nick revealed a couple of weeks ago, in his best sinister voice, that he’d been watching Noorul and last night we finally realised why.
His opening meeting, as the teams decided what soapy products they’d be making, was a brilliant Apprentice moment. “Any… um… ideas…?” Noorul asked Team Ignite, clearly bereft of any himself.
Everyone fell silent. You could hear the slow drip, drip of the water cooler. A windmill creaked in East Anglia. We at Tellytalk took that as a “no”.
The one idea Noorul did have to sell their leaky honey soap (which becomes just like a normal soap once you’ve used it, you know) was to dress his team as a terrorist squad – sorry, beekeepers – and send them down the Tube. Not surprisingly, everyone ran away from them in horror.
Over on Paula’s team, everything seemed to be running smoothly. Until Nick pointed out they’d mistaken cheap cederwood oil for sandalwood oil (£12,000 a kilo). And Yasmina had mixed up three grams and three per cent, which meant they’d used rather a lot of it too.
The team spent about 20 minutes standing open-mouthed in shock.
Yasmina’s reaction was the best. “No, half of 45… s****”
We didn’t think Nick was supposed to tell them what mistakes they’d made until the boardroom. Even when she knew, however, Paula still didn’t seem to price her products high enough to break even.
The initial mistake, however, was Yasmina’s. In a fair world, Paula probably wouldn’t have gone. But The Apprentice isn’t fair.
And this year’s “personalities” have been a bit dull, so far.
They probably need mouthy little gits like Ben, to keep the interest alive, if nothing else.

A tough team exercise

Three weeks into this series, it’s becoming increasingly clear that the quiet ones had better be worried.

Last week, a menacing Nick warned background lurker Noorul he had been “watching him for a long time.”

This week, laid back Maj got the boot for not doing anything at all really in last night’s fitness task. Quite right, really.

The moral of the story is, be loud and proud - even if your loudness and proudness results in the invention of the gloriously awful Multi Tone home gym.

That’s what Team Empire came up with when S’ralan asked his wannabe apprentices to design portable home fitness equipment for this week’s task.

Brash Ben (he’s the good looking one, arf) thought his ugly black box with a step and some wires inside it was the best thing since sliced bread.

“I shocked myself I’ve invented such a bloody good product,” he commented.

Mind you it was better than the “sex exercise” idea he originally kept going on about.

What was he thinking?

“We need some sort of spring loaded....” Ben began, as he gestured vaguely towards his nether regions.

Thank goodness he never got to finish the sentence.

At first, Empire seemed to be heading along the right lines with talk of a product to deal with every woman’s worst nightmare - bingo wings.

“Keep it simple!” hapless team leader James had warned Ben and the other half of his team as they got together with the designers to bring their idea to life.

Quite how the snappy sounding bingo buster ended up as something which looked like a cross between a miniature electric chair and an amplifier is anyone’s guess.

And quite why John Lewis ordered 500 is another worry.

The catastrophic contraption couldn’t hold a candle to rival Team Ignite’s genuinely great looking Body Rocka.

Although their success (an order for 10,000 - again from John Lewis) was no thanks to Dragon Lady Debra, their ghastly leader.

Couldn’t you slap her?

Thank goodness for hip swiveling Philip who came up with the product and delightfully disheveled Lorraine, who made some pretty awful pitches - but nothing nearly as bad as we’ve previously seen on this show.

Soapsuds

MUCH use Granny Deirdre is in a fire.
There was poor little Simon, trying to make the vital phone call on CORONATION STREET to the fire brigade to get him and Peter out of a burning building.
And there was Grandma, clogging up the phone line again.
"Are you all right, Simon?" she gravelled down the phone at the cherubic tot.
"Will you get off the phone, grandma? I’m trying to call the fire brigade," the little’un informed her, not unreasonably.
In fact, we’re surprised Simon could tell it was a real live fire. He’s spent so much of his young life around at Granny Deirdre’s with her Benson and Hedges collection, he probably thought that amount of smoke is par for the course.
Anyway, we were glad he was safe. And Leanne (rabbit Leanne). We weren’t that bothered about Pathetic Peter. As for his 80s record collection – well, that deserved to melt.
Elsewhere, Maria appears to fancy Tony (Liam’s not been dead six months) and Tom appears to fancy Maria. "I go for unattainable women," he informed her, pointedly. Maria? Unattainable? We think half the men in Manchester would beg to differ.
As for Lloyd’s "lads’ away trip" to Ibiza – well that, we believe, is a voyage through the universe with Rimmer, Cat and Kryten. (Favourite ever Red Dwarf joke? "That’s a really ugly picture". "It’s a mirror").

Soapsuds

WE’RE not sure this is entirely the right time or place to admit this, but just so you know... Archie from EASTENDERS...?
We probably would. Well, maybe.
There. It’s out in the open and we can’t take it back now. For an old cardi-wearing guy, he is seriously tasty.
In fact, he’s turning into one of our favourite characters, the manipulative swine.
And we’re getting increasingly concerned that just when they’ve built him up into a fabulous villain, they’re going to ham it all up with THAT wedding next week.
Please don’t write him out or kill him off or make him have to leave. We want him to stay.
We’ll even forgive him that he’s responsible for YET AGAIN preventing Danielle from telling Ronnie the worst-kept secret in the history of soap.
Incidentally, those lavish-looking trailers for the wedding next week. What the flip is that all about?
They probably cost more than Dot Cotton’s entire salary for the last 12 months.
And she’s up for a Bafta (though Lord only knows why, actually).
Elsewhere this week we welcomed the marvellous Edward Woodward into the show. He’s got four Ds in his name, you know. Otherwise he’d be called E-war-woo-war.
Boom boom.
Oh and here’s another.
What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward.
What do you call a man with three wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
There you go – this is officially the funniest Soapsuds columns we’ve ever written now.
Thanks, Edward.
Over on CORONATION STREET, Gail "Tough Love" Platt has finally done what she should have done years ago.
Yes, instead of blinking at David in a reproachful way, she’s finally kicked him into oblivion. Well, Liverpool. With her ex, Martin. Same thing.
Phew! Now we can maybe all move on from perjury and juvenile detention plotlines. Because we’re not sure about you, but after all that Julie Myerson stuff in the tabloids, we’re heartily sick of middle-class mums bleating on about their tearaway sons. Actually, does Gail Platt count as middle class? Well, Audrey would certainly like to think so.
Anyway, after Corrie’s brief day in the sun last week with Becky’s wedding, we’re back to the usual nonsense we’ve seen too much of lately. Joe, Gail’s man-of-the-moment (who comes complete with Martin Platt’s hair-gelled hedgehog do) jeopardised the relationship by accepting a job from the Windasses – the same family whose refusal to pay up for their kitchen sent his business spiralling downhill in the first place. And that’s not the only thing that makes no sense. Namely Tony and whatserface (Natasha, is it?) Why should we care? As for Poppy, that new barmaid, is it just us or do you see her and think "Five o’ clock shadow"? Maybe it’s just us.

Rocky's knocked out..

Oonagh Robinson on Week Two of The Apprentice...

Poor little Rocky fell for the oldest trick in The Apprentice book during last night’s deliciously humiliating catering task.

Never, never, NEVER put yourself forward as team leader when the challenge is in any way related to the field in which you work.

You will ALWAYS get fired.

Sweet 21-year-old Rocky, who runs a chain of ten sandwich shops oop north, bravely volunteered to take control of the boys when they were asked to provide lunch and evening meals for high flying city bankers.

Hmm, so what food should they serve?

“The obvious thing is sandwiches,” Rocky suggested. Eureka!

But before he could say “BLT”, the other lads had randomly concocted a hideous Olympic 2012 theme for their lunch do. With different butties representing each Continent - including chicken tikka for Asia and peanut butter for the USA. Nice.

And things got worse for the evening event, when the theme shifted to Ancient Greece - with the boys all decked out in togas to serve cheddar and pickle on a stick to some of Chicago’s greatest business brains.

“I look like I’ve just escaped from a mental asylum,” observed a mortified looking Maj.

Unsurprisingly, the clients were not impressed - holding back a good chunk of the agreed price so that the lads made an unforgivable £161 loss.

If only they’d managed to secure that ludicrous £60-a-head deal moany Philip had originally pitched for.

Over on the girls’ team, no nonsense Yasmina was having an equally bad time on the food front - despite allegedly being a "restaurateur."

And no, I don't think I'll be booking a table at her gaff any time soon either.

She sent clueless Kate in to pitch for the evening event in one of the most cringeworthy presentations in the entire history of commerce.

Hot food, cold food, bruschettas, blinis - it all seemed like another language to poor Kate.

Observer Margaret Mountford spoke for us all when she clutched her head in her hands in sheer desperation.

Nevertheless, despite serving plates and plates of hideous looking food - mostly chunky tomatoes and 74 tins of cheap tuna - the girls made a stunning £650 profit and duly went off to learn polo as their treat.

Poor, poor loser Rocky, meanwhile, had to decide who to take with him into the fearsome boardroom.

James - the one who says he wakes up in the morning and can taste success in his spit - was alarmed that he might be up for the chop.

“I feel like I did when my cat died,” he wailed.

Rocky also brought gawmless Howard in with him - on the basis that having run pubs successfully for several years, he should have known a teeny bit more about catering.

But in the end S’ralan took the easy option and got rid of our young novice. What a shame.

Still, the other chaps shouldn’t be resting on their laurels - especially after Nick Hewer’s chilling warning to Noorul for no particular reason I can fathom.

“I’ve made it my business to watch you for some time....”

Scary stuff indeed.