You're always at home with Channel 4

Wednesday night on Channel 4 is always a great opportunity to get your catty head on thanks to the two property programmes Relocation, Relocation and Grand Designs.

The former did not disappoint at all last night thanks to the two wacky arty types looking for a bohemian pad in the heart of swinging London.

“Look at the beardy weirdy!” we were saying to ourselves minutes after Kirstie and Phil introduced us to this awesome twosome.

“He looks like someone off The Open University, circa 1975,” commented my other half.

And so we settled down to an hours worth of bitching as K&P showed this picky couple round one dodgy looking flat after another.

Kirstie, who was by our reckoning about ten or 12 months pregnant and had taken to walking the streets looking like Demis Roussos (see picture above), got increasingly exasperated with them as they kept changing their minds.

Phil as always kept his cool - but still didn’t manage to find them a flat.

As is so often the case with this programme, the couple managed to go off and do that by themselves.

We caught up with them late in the show in their horrible two bedroom hovel.

God, aren’t you glad you don’t have to live in London?

The second programme in the C4 catalogue last night was a little disappointing though.

All the previews of this episode of Grand Designs had talked of a couple from Wales who were trying to convert an old folly without even the services of an architect.

Brilliant!

Unfortunately, they must have pulled that episode and replaced it with this really dud one.

A proper boring affair where the very sensible couple spent about four or five decades creating a lovely glass and wood mansion out of an old shed.

Everything went fine.

And, of course, the woman managed to get pregnant and have a child during the filming process - as is always the case on this programme.

Indeed my advice to anyone trying to conceive a baby is to just sign up for Grand Designs. You’re bound to get up the duff as soon as Kevin McCloud and his team show up.

So, we’re left with a big mystery.

What happened to the couple from Wales and their foolish folly?

Will we ever get to see their no doubt very entertaining attempts to create a new home?

See you next week for the bitchfest!

Who's your winner (or runner up, at least)?

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest "live" eviction from the Celeb BB house...

So it’s all over for LaToya and Tommy following last night’s live eviction.

Well, you know, I say live.

According to my sources, the second eviction show wasn’t live at all.

It was recorded straight after the first show ended (ie during Heston Blumenthal’s silly show about Little Chef).

That’s why the phone lines closed so early.

Did you notice, for instance, that when we returned to the house at 10pm, there was quite clearly no: “You are live on Channel 4, please do not swear?”

See.

Anyway, I digress. LaToya and Tommy are no more.

Bit of a surprise about the former, not a shock at all about the latter. I won't really miss either of them much.

Indeed, Davina's revelation that Janet Jackson was in London and on her way to congratulate her sister did rather make me wish she'd been in the house instead.

So now we can just about see the finishing line.

And the big question is.... who will actually come second to sure fire winner Verne (did you hear that crowd cheering him)?

Ulrika could claim the female vote and do very well.

Ben - although the boring swine doesn’t deserve it - might be popular with the ladies too.

Coolio has certainly been larger than life, but could you actually call him popular?

That leaves good old Terry - who for my money has been witty, entertaining and a thoroughly decent bloke throughout.

Maybe someone will even revive The Word on the strength of his appearance.

But don't let that put you off.

Vote Terry your runner up now.

And enjoy seeing Verne emerge (out the back door) as the victor in Friday's (live) final...

The girl done good...

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest eviction from Big Brother...


Well, I can think of worse ways of being evicted from Celebrity Big Brother.
Most of these “surprise” jobbies involve the evictee being unceremoniously shoved outside in dressing gown and slippers with greasy hair and no make-up.
Michelle, on the other hand, came out looking like a Greek goddess as 50,000 paparazzi jumped over themselves to get pictures.
Can’t think for the life of me who managed to get their vote in during such a short space of time.
Especially when EastEnders and Corrie were on at the same time on the other side.
I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out in a couple of months that this eviction was one of those naughty scams Ofcom keeps investigating. And the only people who actually voted were Davina and a couple of PR skivvies.
Still, Michelle’s done well out of this programme and no mistake.
Who’d have thought a member of a defunct pop band like Liberty X could take so much attention away from far bigger luminaries like Ulrika, LaToya and Mini Me?
Can’t wait to read the first spread with her and the now infamous Hugh in Heat next week.
You’d almost think she planned this whole thing. Surely not?
So now it’s a straightforward vote for your favourite to win on Friday.
Lordy, but there are still a lot of people to choose from in there though!
I can’t see anyone but Verne coming out top, but maybe the strange but wonderful LaToya can pip him to the post at the last minute.
As for me... I’m going for Terry. Purely on the basis of his brilliant analysis of the typical voter on Big Brother.
A right thicko.

Coolio and the gang

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest BB News...


Eh? How did that happen then?
One minute Coolio is being a truly “vile man” to Ulrika and Michelle - telling them their ass will be out of HIS house on Friday.
The next Michelle is apologising to him for daring to call him a bully.
You’ve got to hand it to Coolio, he’s got that whole house eating out the palm of his hand.
Even Big Brother seems a bit scared to reprimand him.
That serious voiced version of BB did try and tell the rapper in the diary room that some of the things he said last night could be taken as offensive.
But there was no order to apologise immediately to the girls or anything.
Yet when the ever tearful Michelle went in to see Big Brother, she was asked if she could have a word with Coolio and sort the situation out.
Which she (rather bravely) did.
Amazing.
Whatever you think about Michelle and whether she is making a mountain out of a molehill with this whole Ben thing, Coolio has been a bit of a git to her.
An entertaining one, but a git nonetheless.
Is there anyone with the balls to stand up to this man?
Terry (who’s turning out to be a bit of a star this series) has tried, admittedly.
And LaToya seems to get his attention, but she’s always getting the wrong end of the stick.
Tommy is too busy worrying about looking a plonker while dressed as a racing car (uh hum).
Ben is just a waste of space, while Tina “I Know Everything Ages Before You Do” Malone is not interested in the situation because it’s not about her.
That probably just leaves the marvellous Verne to cool Coolio down a bit.
Wouldn't you love to see him let rip (preferably dressed in that teddy bear suit)?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

OONAGH ROBINSON on this week's Celeb BB eviction news...

So it’s a depressingly familiar scenario in the Celeb BB house this week....

Four female housemates up for eviction when it really should have been a couple of males (Coolio and Terry).

Never mind all the fuss about bullying and racism - it’s good old fashioned sexism that often wins the day in this setting.

So who will get the old heave ho?

Not Mutya, I reckon. You have to actually do something to inspire people to pick up the phone to get rid of you.

And despite everyone moaning about how controlling and irritating Ulrika is, viewers aren’t really seeing this side of her. So she could be all right.

Tina is a definite contender for the boot, what with the shouty thing and the sweary thing. Oh and the annoying shaky head thing. And let’s not forget the alarming toe nail bitey thing either, shall we? I don’t think that image will fade from my memory in a hurry.

That just leaves weepy Michelle.

She keeps getting ever so upset because of Coolio’s jibes about her closeness with Ben. She’s worried her boyfriend will be watching and dump her if the rapper carries on taking the Mick.

The hilarious thing is, nearly everyone else in the house has also been whispering about Ben and Michelle behind their backs.

The boyfriend is much more likely to be worried by them than by Coolio’s childish insinuations.

It’s all a classic “methinks the lady doth protest too much” situation by the looks of it.

After all, when Tommy told Michelle last week that he didn’t want to dance with her because of how it could look on the outside, Michelle casually laughed his worries off.

Yeah - because she doesn’t fancy him, does she?

Dishy Ben’s a different kettle of fish though.

Or then again, maybe Michelle is a lot cleverer than we all think.

Could it be that she’s just orchestrating a controversy where one doesn’t exist, so that when she eventually gets out the media will be all over her and her chap?

Surely not?

Only YOU can decide...

Gentle Ben escapes this week's vote...

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest from the Celebrity Big Brother House...

Does it make you wonder whether BenFromA1 has got some dodgy photos of the other housemates in Celeb BB?

Why else did so many of them vote to save the ever-so-famous-honest-singer from facing the public vote in last night’s live show?

Have I been watching another programme or since when was he such good chums with everyone all of a sudden?

The only exciting thing he’s really done so far is make the mistake of asking LaToya: “Have you ever been married?” Oops.

Cue Ms Nutty as a Fruitcake Jackson going on and on for about six hours about how she was forced to get married to some Italian Mafia bloke (on the basis that she could get an annulment after six months, of course) and how he beat her up and intimidated her until she could take no more and ran away.

Or something.

Must admit, BenFromA1’s face as this unlikely tale unraveled was quite a picture.

“Save me now!” he seemed to be saying as he nodded along politely.

And save him the others duly did in the end.

So now we’ve got to choose between Ulrika and Lucy for this week's eviction.

And I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but... I do hope Ulrika stays.

She’s chatty and engaging and really quite funny.

Whereas Lucy is dull as dishwater.

Let's do the right thing and vote her out, ok?

The No Talent Show...

OONAGH ROBINSON on this year's Celebrity Big Brother, the story so far...

Well, after a bit of a “meh” start, this year’s Celebrity Big Brother finally got interesting last night.

The talent contest - which categorically proved that everyone with the possible exception of Mutya has no talent at all - was utterly hilarious.

Personal highlights included gawmless Michelle Heaton doing her best to simultaneously sing in tune and hold a stick in a sexy manner.

Even Coolio was left speechless for once.

Meanwhile, LaToya - who the others seem so oddly in awe of - sang one of her brothers hits. Very badly.

Looking at her laughably serious demeanour, you’d think she was performing to save her life.

Rather than just to impress the bloke who used to present The Word.

With rumours abounding that this year’s housemates have all been coached on how to avoid conflict, I was beginning to worry that there would be no bitchiness at all to entertain us.

Michelle’s apparently innocent jibe about Tina from Shameless looking like “the princess from Shrek” put an end to all those concerns.

We couldn’t help siding with Coolio, who thought the remark was ROFL funny (not to mention highly accurate).

The more Michelle didn’t get why the rapper was laughing and the more BenFromA1 tried to explain the confusion (she meant the slim, pretty princess from Shrek, you see), the more delightfully awkward the situation became.

Michelle ended up in tears, while Tina vowed that she was ready to become “really nasty” if Coolio carried on being so horrid.

Bring it on.

And a quick word (geddit) for current head of house Terry, who has played a blinder so far with his choices for this week’s eviction.

How annoyed will the producers be if Ulrika goes now that they’ve paid her £7bn or whatever to appear? Marvellous.

On the other hand, we’d prefer it to be topless model Lucy. A woman so dull she makes BenFromA1 look good.

Oh yes, one more thing.

Verne to win of course.