Bye bye Pants Man

Well, the almost unanimous opinion in our office this morning seems to be: “Good riddance to bad rubbish!”
But I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels a bit subdued now that Pants Man himself - the arrogant Philip Taylor - is no more.
S’ralan finally got rid of the cocky estate agent after his lacklustre performance in a thoroughly entertaining selling task “oop north” last night.
And while I know Phil deserved to go and all that - gosh but he was an entertaining little git.
The “official” reason for the troublesome tosser’s departure might have been his failure to get any orders for what ostensibly were (a) a glorified carrier bag and (b) a decorated box.
But we all know the real reason why Phil wasn’t performing at his best.
How did they put it in King Kong again?
“T’was beauty killed the beast...”
Gorgeous Kate certainly showed herself in a whole new light as she fought for her position in the boardroom showdown, amidst PM Lorraine’s controversial “relationship” claims.
“I can assure you I have no loyalties here - Philip or otherwise,” the blonde bombshell purred. Ouch. You could almost see Phil give up the ghost on the spot.
Still it was a nail biter at the end there - surely S’ralan would fire argumentative Lorraine for being such a, well, plonker.
“That was my worst presentation in 20 years,” she commented after she tried to sell a cat playbox with the motif “Suck UK” to a DIY shop and upmarket homes store Heals.
Her team ended up trawling the length and breadth of northern England with their loot only to be met with looks of derision from every shopkeeper they met.
“It’s a cardboard box,” observed one rather astute bloke.
The other team’s chosen products weren’t much better either - a dog lead for two people and a sleeping bag “with individual leg items and arm items.”
Mind you, they had the surprisingly fabulous Mona on their side - negotiating within an inch of her life to secure some lucrative orders. Who knew she could be so good?
But the undeniable star of last night’s show was that mysterious and fabled place known as “London Gateway” - the spot where S’ralan had chosen to meet his hopefuls.
As they packed their bags for what they all assumed would be a glamorous stay in Africa or Dubai, the apprentices speculated about their rendezvous.
“Gateway suggests it’s a gate to somewhere,” guessed Irish Ben.
Never.
Imagine their disappointment, then, when the glorious destination turned out to be.... a service station on the M1.
God, that S’ralan is so cruel...

Oonagh Robinson