Thursday, 7 August 2008

MASTERCHEF is BACK! And COOKING doesn’t get any TUFFER than THIS!
Since Loyd Grossman left the show to create his own curry sauce range, the programme has ditched strangulated vowels for hilarious shoutiness.
New hosts Gregg Wallace (a bald Johnny Vaughan) and John Torode INSIST on TALKING in CAPITAL LETTERS! With EXCLAMATION MARKS!
This wasn’t just any old Masterchef, though. It was CELEBRITY Masterchef (BBC2, Weds).
First challenge was... who the bejesus were these “celebrities”?
Slowly, the nervous-breakdown-woman voiceover illuminated us.
They were (of course!): Andi Peters of kids’ TV fame, the girl off Gregory’s Girl, Max Farnon of Brookside fame, Joe McGann of “one of the McGanns” fame, some comedienne of BBC3 fame and somebody named Hywel of no discernable fame whatsoever. Oh, he’s been in The Bill. As opposed to every other actor in the history of acting.
Still, our contestants’ celebrity status ensured John and Gregg treated them with kid gloves. There was none of the spitting-into-a-handkerchief that normally goes on when mere mortal contestants hand over their grub to be judged. As Joe McGann, sporting a Jesus beard, handed over what looked to be scrambled egg and coconut milk with a few prawns bobbing in it, Gregg Wallace apparently went into food ecstasy. “THAT’S GORGEOUS! MOUF-WATERING!” he hollered. Not as good as Andi Peters though. “ANDI! THAT GUY CAN REALLY COOK!” cried John. “BEES KNEES!” agreed Gregg.
Even more unlikely were the reasons our “celebrities” had been selected for the show. No, they’re not desperate (how could you?) There were proper culinary reasons.
“Joe McGann – all his brothers are actors. Families feed each other. That bodes well,” said Gregg. You what?
Our celebs then went to test their skills in a real kitchen.
“But these guys won’t be giving up their day jobs,” chortled Gregg, just in case the chef got any ideas.
“WHAT day jobs?” cried Britain.
In the end, Andi and Hywell (who?) got the vote, Andi having gone ALL OUT to IMPRESS the JUDGES by baking a banana muffin. As you may have gathered, they don’t take that much impressing.