Monday, 16 March 2009

Comic Relief Apprentice

DIDN’T you want it to be Jonathan Ross who got fired? He was so teeth-grindingly annoying on Comic Relief Apprentice (BBC1, Fri).
Plus, we took so blimming long to even reach the actual firing, each snippet intersected with hours of – yet MORE – Jonathan Ross, this time in the Comic Relief studio.
We thought the editing HAD to be building towards a wed card for Wossy.
Everyone in the Great British nation who wanted the Beeb to sack him last year, following Sachs-gate (most of us simply because we can’t stand Ross, rather than out of sympathy for that Satanic Slut woman) finally seemed to have been granted their wish: namely Sr’Alan Sugar, pointing his finger across the boardroom table, informing him of instant dismissal.
But no. Even though the boys’ team lost and even though their failure in the task – to design a new toy – seemed to be largely down to Wossy’s vast ego, Gerald Ratner failed to bring him into the boardroom. Pah!
Ratner, of course, is famous for wiping £500 million off the value of his jewellery company after declaring he was selling “total c**p”.
Clearly he hasn’t learned his lesson because he made the same mistake with the boys’ team product – a “swap belt” (a belt on which little collectables could be hung) – was a “s**t or swim” product. Charming.
Well Sr’Alan decided it was the former.
“But kids have loads of Pokemon characters!” protested Wossy. “Yes, but Pokemon is a popular cartoon that didn’t originate in the mind of Jonathan Ross,” we wanted somebody to point out but no-one did.
In the end, it was squealy-voiced Alan Carr who went but nobody – not even Sr’Alan – was taking it terribly seriously.
All except Patsy Palmer who had kicked up a right old stink on the girls’ team. The girls’ winning design, a velcro suit that sticks you together with somebody else, looked fab. We’ve already got one on mail order. But Patsy was too busy playing Bianca: “Down’t you tell me what to do!” she screamed at her team leader, businesswoman Michelle Mone. “’Ow dare you?”
You can take the woman out of Walford... sadly there seems to be no removing Ross from the BBC – even temporarily.