Telly Talk

Life's like a box of chocolates

2009-06-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well, they saved the best to last...as, thankfully, a not-very-entertaining series of The Apprentice ended on a high.
And not only was it the last episode; it was also the final glimpse of so many much-loved aspects of the show.
No more Margaret. No more Sr'Alan (he'll be Lord Sugar...will they remember to call him that in the boardroom?) No more classic James one-liners. And no more montages of Philip dancing. Thank the Lord.
The final task was based on chocolates, designing and selling.
"I've invited some of the key people from chocolates to your presentations," said Sr'Alan. You could tell James was dying to ask if Willy Wonka would be among them.
Then past candidates returned to be put into either Team Yasmina or Team Kate.
The big question was, would Team Kate pick boyfriend Philip? In the end, Team Kate did not. She allowed Philip, Philip's invaluable advice and Philip's dancing ability to leap off to Team Yasmina where he spent much of her time muttering about how people still don't get Pantsman.
"People don’t get it at the time. They will eventually." We await the day.
Yasmina set him to work choreographing a "nice and snappeee" dance routine while everyone else got on with the much more trivial stuff, such as actually inventing the chocolates. After some wrangling about a "chocolates for men" campaign, which all the men interviewed said they wouldn't buy, Yasmina dreamed up the name Cocoa Electric...the idea being electrifying chocolates...and a box with a zig of lightening on it.
"It lukes like a crarkurr," Lorraine blarneyed, still in her mysteriously acquired Irish accent.
Over on Team Kate, Ben was proving equally helpful. His little mind was rattling around chocolates and threesomes, not to mention somehow using the number 69 as a selling point.
"Ben, there's no way in the world..." Kate said.
She did, however, let him talk her into using the brand-name Intimate...until the rest of the team caught wind of it.
"Frankly it sounds more like something to do with feminine freshness rather than chocolates," said Nick.
"It looks like it's a box of Tampax," said Debra.
"Something you'd find in vending machines in gents' loos," was Sr'Alan's reaction.
The name was swiftly changed to Choc D'Amour and Kate stepped in to oversee the transformation of their ad campaign. Until this point we haven't been big Kate fans but she seemed the deserving winner. Ominously, though, the deserving winner never actually wins The Apprentice.
Meanwhile, Yasmina was back to her Week Two strategy of sprinkling basil on everything and hoping for the best. During the filming of her ad, even the poor actors were begging: "Can we spit it out?" as they tried Yasmina's "electrifying" strawberry and basil chocolate.
Come the presentations Kate, again, outclassed Yasmina's sergeant major style.
"IT'S SEXY! IT'S FUN!" Yasmina barked at her crowd, before trying to whoop up a bit of atmosphere. "Orange and coriander. What do you have?"
"An ingestive nightmare?" we wondered.
Nevertheless, come the boardroom bit, Sr'Alan's hiring finger pointed at Yasmina. Even though her chocolates were inedible, Sr'Alan wasn't bothered about the taste. The price was right. Poor old Kate was left feeling as robbed as someone who'd forked out a fiver for a box of orange and coriander chocolates. It's not as bad as the Dewberry versus Badger travesty of 2007, but it's still not an inspiring decision.
Anyway, after 12 weeks of crazy, blood-shedding rivalries, it's Yasmina off to work in Sr'Alan's digital signage department. What a fantastic prize! We give her six months.

Apprentice - the final five

2009-06-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

Apart from Shopping Channel Task and Annual Advertising Balls-Up, Interview Week has to be one of our favourite Apprentice episodes.
Just think of the great moments it’s produced in past seasons: Pterodactyl Lee and his c.v. truth-economising, Posh Boy Simon fielding complaints from his tenants. And those two went on to win the thing!
All the familiar faces on the Sr’Alan’s interview panel of “trusted associates” were back with one exception – bristling-chopped Cockney geezer who has maybe been scared off by Claire’s attempts to flirt with him last year. We missed him. The bloke they got in instead wasn’t half as cutting.
Regardless, we were all poised to see Perfect Kate squirm and stutter or Shouty Deb-rah get frogmarched out by a couple of coppers for threatening behaviour. Sadly, none of the above took place. Perfect Kate rattled off perfect answer after answer in deadpan Brummie. Debra managed to rein in her scarier tendencies.
In fact, the biggest casualty of Interview Week was the one we always suspected was going to come a cropper at this stage – poor old James.
Every time there was a short silence and somebody said something like: “James – why should Sr’Alan hire you?”
He proceeded to drop clanger after clanger, with statements like: “I want him to be like Willy Wonka” or, to the man himself, “Sr’Alan - you and I could be a good match” or "You don't need to reinvent the wheel with me... just fix a few spokes."
By the end, viewers were on the edge of their seats shouting: “JUST! DON’T! SAY! ANYTHING!”
James’ one aim was to get through the programme without Sr’Alan kicking him “so hard up the a**e I’ve got his toes for teeth”. Sadly, it didn’t happen. James was fired.
Also fired was Lorraine, who mysteriously lapsed into Irish during her interviews, then back to West London the minute she left the room. Twirly-haired Karen Brady tried to make a big deal about Lorraine lying on her c.v. because the dates were a year out on one of her jobs but, to be honest, it didn’t have the same impact of somebody trying to make a whole education for themselves, like Lee did. Anyway, even though Lorraine had had a hard life Sr’Alan didn’t want to hear her “blathering on” about it – and neither did we, if we’re honest. Yer fiyud!
So that left it between Debra – who had spent the episode being weirdly touchy-feely, even CRYING when James got the chop – Yasmina and Perfect Kate. Yasmina had messed up her interview a bit because she didn’t seem to know how much profit her business made – or indeed, what profit was – but squeaked through. Perfect Kate was in the final, of course, although Sr’Alan told her he thought she was robotic (“I’m not robotic” said Kate, robotically) and very serious (“I’m not serious,” she said, trying to prove it with a giggle).
So that meant it was Slab-Faced Debra who was fired.

Which leaves us with probably the dullest final line-up in the history of the show. We can’t help thinking what it needs – what it really needs – is a pterodactyl impression.

Car Crash Telly - The Apprentice, Week Ten

2009-05-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

Was it a big shock to you that nice steady Howard got the boot after last night’s marvellous shopping channel task?
To be honest, the way this series has been going, you could see it coming a mile off.
The dull ones are going and all the absolute nutters are getting to stay in the show for as long as possible. Hooray.
Indeed, it was probably more of a shock that Howard’s team (can’t remember if it’s Ignite or Empire any more, sorry) lost in the first place. It was all being edited to look as though they would race away with it - with their expensive chip pan and, er, gorgeous gold and silver leather jackets. Vom.
But “TV natural” Debra and the best new comedy double act of the year James and Yasmina sold what must have been about 40,000 cheap hair nets and weird head scarves to pip their rivals to the post.
Right from the start, it looked as if Debra’s lot would be a disaster - with their hilarious bickering about who was going to be leader.
“I need you to be happy!” Yasmina wailed at Debra after she eventually got the prestigious role.
“What do you want me to do? Fall down at your feet and worship you?” hissed her furious sparring partner.
Yet when the cameras started rolling, hard faced Debra (OMG she’s only 24!!!) was a star. Chatty, friendly, approachable, nice.
Everything that she hasn’t been for most of this series really.
Still, the stars of the episode were undoubtedly James and Yasmina.
“£9.99 for three - you’re pulling my chain!” enthused James as Yasmina explained her fantastic deal on those hair combs.
What a pity they were actually £17.99. And who would pay that for such a load of rubbish?
This slight mishap didn’t put James off his track for long though.
“If you’re not fast with this, you’re gonna be last with this,” he stuttered. “Stop spying and start buying!”
Honestly, he’s turning into the one of the best Apprentice characters of all time is James. We adore him.
And so it was off to the boardroom, where the losing team of Howard, Lorraine and Kate awaited their fate.
S’ralan wanted to know why they hadn’t made as much money as Debra and co - even though their products were much more expensive.
“When the chips were down, I stood up to the mark,” said Lorraine. D’ya geddit? She was selling chip pans on the show.
We thought that bit was really funny, but nobody else seemed to laugh.
S’ralan decided he didn’t need another Steady Eddie like Howard in his company.
“I haven’t got time for ordinary people,” he said as he gave the blue-eyed boy his marching orders.
Well, let’s face it, there aren’t any ordinary people left in the running now.
Just James and four barmy females.
“I feel like Hugh Heffner!” he grinned back at the house.
Oh how we’re looking forward to next week’s interview task.

The Apprentice - off their rockers

2009-05-21T00:55:00.001-07:00

We knew Ben was doomed.
Not because he’s spent this entire series of The Apprentice behaving like a complete and utter plank, or because he made the fatal mistake of proclaiming, “There’s no way I’m going today – I’m making it to the final”, but because he sat in the wrong seat.

We remembered, from last week’s preview, you see, which way Sr’Alan’s fearsome finger was pointing when he said “You’re fired!” and it was definitely off to his left. So we knew whoever sat in that seat was for the chop.
Even when Sr’Alan was chuntering on about James being a “nice guy… and did he need a nice guy” and James was getting all sweaty and bulgy-eyed, we knew there was likely to be a last minute twist in the tale.
And sure enough it was Ben (Barney Rubble in braces) and his “raw business talent” who got his marching orders – very appropriate, what with his almost-Sandhurst background.

As for Sandhurst… well, Sr’Alan had the final say on that proud boast. “I was in the Jewish Lads’ Brigade. Stamford Hill Division. Trainee Buglar. It didn’t help me sell computers.”
Still, like Margaret, we did feel sorry for odious little Ben on one count. “He had to spend the whole day with Debra,” she observed.
Yes Debra, for the second week in a row, was entirely culpable for the failure of the task. Both teams had to select products to flog at the Earl’s Court baby show. Empire team leader James, showing an eerie understanding of female body parts (except for breast-feeding, which he seems to think is tap-operated), selected a birthing pool. Empire’s other product was a rocking horse (minimum price £1,500) chosen by Debra.
This, in itself, was not a mistake. Normally, without fail on The Apprentice, the team that selects the most extortionately expensive product wins. But you’ve got to actually sell one first. And that was what defeated Debra. She’d failed to negotiate any kind of discount on the pony and seemed to strike mortal fear into the heart of every potential customer.
“I’ll come and work for you… for a week… FOR FREE!” she barked at one bloke seeking a £200 discount.
If that didn’t put him off, nothing would.

The rest of the episode was memorable for the fact that Ignite leader Lorraine’s instincts actually worked.
Ever since Margaret gave Lorraine (known henceforth, after last night’s You’re Fired, as “Olive off On The Buses”) the tagline Cassandra, Lorraine’s “gut feelings” have gone hilariously skew-whiff.

But last night she chose sellable products… albeit stuff we’d never have bought in a million years. Still, the baby bicycle helmets went down a bomb as did the “easy to dismantle” pushchair, once Lorraine had spent about five hours collapsing it.
“… in one simple manoeuvre,” she said, whacking the thing on the floor. “Something’s stuck. One second… it’s completely jarred…”

Ooh, Mona!

2009-05-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes we all agree.
Dire Debra should really have gone last night.
But come on, Mona was always going to get the boot at some point. I mean, she can’t even pronounce her own first name properly. How on earth was S’ralan supposed to trust her in a pivotal role at his company?
The rather pointless task last night was to “rebrand Margate” - and Mona couldn’t even get that bit right.
She kept telling local people Team Empire was going to “regenerate” the town.
Still, with her enormous local knowledge of the area, surely they couldn’t go wrong.
“It’s a seaside resort,” she reliably informed Debra, Howard and James in their initial brainstorming session.
Later, they hit upon the idea of relaunching Margate as the next UK gay destination.
Not a bad thought at all really - and certainly more exciting than Ignite’s snoozeworthy family theme.
James and Mona immediately hit the streets to do some in depth research - and came across a friendly transsexual in a local bar.
Mona seemed a trifle confused when s/he tried to explain her/his... condition.
“Are you a man or a woman now?” she blundered.
Even James, a man not averse to putting his foot in it, admitted he was embarrassed.
Mona and James proved a formidable double act, setting up a photo shoot on the beach where two models attempted to convey the gay message.
James got the chaps (and himself) a couple of 99 ice creams at one point.
“Not too much licking guys, it’s not a porno,” he warned his subjects.
But even all this ludicrousness wasn’t the thing that did for Empire.
It was all down to obnoxious team leader Debra and her apparent ability to do absolutely nothing all day - so that she had to put together an entire poster and leaflet campaign in about half an hour.
“Your visuals are dreadful,” said one personally offended looking woman at the main pitch.
Debra certainly seems to have done something to impress S’ralan though.
It was almost as if she knew she was invincible, so didn’t care one way or the other that most of her fancy leaflet was just blank space.
Even after Mona’s firing, it wasn’t Debra but James who got the “I’ll be watching you” warning from the boss.
Yes, the dead wood is slowly but surely being cast aside this series.
The question is - who’ll be next?

Oonagh Robinson

Bye bye Pants Man

2009-05-07T00:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the almost unanimous opinion in our office this morning seems to be: “Good riddance to bad rubbish!”
But I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels a bit subdued now that Pants Man himself - the arrogant Philip Taylor - is no more.
S’ralan finally got rid of the cocky estate agent after his lacklustre performance in a thoroughly entertaining selling task “oop north” last night.
And while I know Phil deserved to go and all that - gosh but he was an entertaining little git.
The “official” reason for the troublesome tosser’s departure might have been his failure to get any orders for what ostensibly were (a) a glorified carrier bag and (b) a decorated box.
But we all know the real reason why Phil wasn’t performing at his best.
How did they put it in King Kong again?
“T’was beauty killed the beast...”
Gorgeous Kate certainly showed herself in a whole new light as she fought for her position in the boardroom showdown, amidst PM Lorraine’s controversial “relationship” claims.
“I can assure you I have no loyalties here - Philip or otherwise,” the blonde bombshell purred. Ouch. You could almost see Phil give up the ghost on the spot.
Still it was a nail biter at the end there - surely S’ralan would fire argumentative Lorraine for being such a, well, plonker.
“That was my worst presentation in 20 years,” she commented after she tried to sell a cat playbox with the motif “Suck UK” to a DIY shop and upmarket homes store Heals.
Her team ended up trawling the length and breadth of northern England with their loot only to be met with looks of derision from every shopkeeper they met.
“It’s a cardboard box,” observed one rather astute bloke.
The other team’s chosen products weren’t much better either - a dog lead for two people and a sleeping bag “with individual leg items and arm items.”
Mind you, they had the surprisingly fabulous Mona on their side - negotiating within an inch of her life to secure some lucrative orders. Who knew she could be so good?
But the undeniable star of last night’s show was that mysterious and fabled place known as “London Gateway” - the spot where S’ralan had chosen to meet his hopefuls.
As they packed their bags for what they all assumed would be a glamorous stay in Africa or Dubai, the apprentices speculated about their rendezvous.
“Gateway suggests it’s a gate to somewhere,” guessed Irish Ben.
Never.
Imagine their disappointment, then, when the glorious destination turned out to be.... a service station on the M1.
God, that S’ralan is so cruel...

Oonagh Robinson

Why aging Playboy Ray was a step too far

2009-05-05T02:39:00.000-07:00

COMPULSION (ITV1, Mon) was based on Jacobean tragedy The Changeling – one of our A-level set texts in days of yore – which is riddled with the gory and the unbelievable. There’s a virginity test. A bedroom-based woman-swap. And a last-act blood bath.
However, none of them come close to topping the most flabbergastingly inconceivable conceit of Compulsion – namely that the beauteous young Parminder Nagra would fancy Ray Winstone. At least when Ray was Henry VIII, he was, he was, there was a title and a bit of status up for grabs to attract the requisite six wives. Here, there was just belly.
Belly and creepiness, anyway. Ray played Flowers (an updated version of the Jacobean disfigured manservant De Flores) who is obsessed with spoiled little princess Anjika (Nagra). When she gets into bovver over an arranged marriage, Flowers helps her out by bumping off the suitor in exchange for her spending the night with him. Yeuch.
It all got decidedly more yeuch when Princess Anjika decided she’d rather enjoyed her night with Ray and wanted rather more of it. Portly middle-aged men with a stack of top-shelf mags by their beds may have warmed to the blue movie dialogue but, for the rest of us, it pinballed from the risible to the offensive.
It’s not such a terrible idea to update classic works for a modern audience, provided there are feasible modern parallels. But, the fantastical murders and social misogyny in Jacobean tragedies require a very thoughtful approach if they are to fast-forward successfully through the centuries. This was so lacking in that kind of care that when we saw it was directed by Sarah Harding, we seriously wondered if it was her from Girls Aloud. On second thoughts, she’d have made a much better fist of it.

GEORGE GENTLY (Sun, BBC1) is the kind of name that fits into Sunday nights like toes into Totes Toasties. He might as well be called Harvey Horlicks, Nigel Nightcap or any other name that could just as easily belong to a Classic FM presenter.
George is, of course, a detective (what else?) He’s set in the ‘60s. He’s played by a TV treasure (Martin Shaw).
And he has a bumbling sidekick. So far, so Sunday night cliche.
Where George Gently tries to veer away from Heartbeat territory is in its plotting, which is relentlessly dark. This week, George happened upon a child abuse ring, with Jill Halfpenny in a beehive reflecting on her traumatic past in a children’s home.
Sadly it was all cack-handedly scripted, with ‘60s life viewed through a determinedly patronising 21st century lens ("Have you ever heard of the word paedophile?" a character asked at one point.)
The dialogue stuck rigidly to the Agatha Christie format ("More tea vicar?" "How can I help you, inspector?") which the plot’s aspirations of grittiness seem trite.
And despite the array of bad Geordie accents before us, it was clearly filmed in Ireland.
ITV’s Foyle’s War makes a much better job of investing in a period. As for Martin Shaw – Judge John Deed was a far better character. And not a name you’d find on Classic FM.

They said it
It’s bad enough Kirk getting Roy’s History Today. We don’t want Roy with Kirk’s Nuts on his doorstep, do we?
Norris goes all Carry On Kabin on Corrie.

– What did you say about Vietnam?
– I dreamed I were there, fighting for the King Kong
Another Corrie classic shared between Eileen and dim son Jason.

I judge everything on whether it’s worth the calories. This is not – Pru Leith shares her top tips on how to stay shapely as a Great British Menu judge.

Apprentice... big rug, big rug

2009-04-30T00:19:00.001-07:00

“You open your mouf like that again, then don’t even bovver to come back in this boardroom.”
The above Sr’Alan rant has been ringing in our ears for weeks now, ever since a clip of it was aired in episode one.
Who was he yelling at? What on earth had they said?
We pictured abuse… certainly verbal, possibly physical. A bit of swearing or something. Perhaps they’d gone too far and called Sr’Alan a dyspeptic gnome.
In the event, it was nothing at all, was it? Talk about a tempest in a tea-cup. Slab-faced Debra having a bit of a “who closed the sale” bicker with Nick. “It wasn’t ‘im, it was me, it was me.” Yawn.
We don’t know what it was, but last night’s task really failed to ignite (pardon the pun). The budding apprentices had one day to hare around London hawking random wares that might be valuable or might not be. These included a skeleton, a first edition James Bond book and a rug that was worth more than £200 but you’d feel gutted if you actually paid that because nobody in the whole of London seemed to like it at all.
The apprentices seemed baffled; in fairness, so were we.
At the end of the task, Sr’Alan compared the actual prices of the items with what the Apprentices got for them – and both teams had made a loss. So, let’s get this right? They could have just sat around all day with a cup of tea, brought back all the items back unsold and won the task, yes?
In their first rubbish deal of the day, Team Empire got ordered to trade Kate for Noorul.
Then, led by cocky little Ben, they sold off everything for knock-down prices.
Team Ignite, led by the equally obnoxious Philip, seemingly spent their day wandering around London shouting: “Big rug! Big rug!” Philip was followed by a little procession of people including sour-faced Lorraine, who was (rightly) convinced the rug was a gem, and an equally fed-up Margaret, who clearly had sore feet and kept grumbling: “This is the stupidest thing they’ve done so far”.
Eventually, Phil found a buyer but, despite winning, was taken to task for not listening to “Cassandra” Lorraine.
Cassandra? Ha! Whingey, more like. Our own startling powers of prediction suggest Lorraine will be fired in the next task she loses.
Sandhurst Ben decided he was going to take Noorul and James back into the boardroom. No, wait! Noorul and Debra.
“Are you thinking about James there must be a village missing an idiot?” asked Sr’Alan. James looked quite flattered.
Much though we’d have liked to see Sandhurst Ben or Old Slab-face get the boot, Sr’Alan wasn’t going to miss the chance to give Noorofen the boot. The firing was every bit as dull as the rest of last night’s show.

Ashes to Ashes - why we prefer Mars any day

2009-04-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

Try as we might, we just can’t find much nice to say about series two of Ashes to Ashes (BBC1, Mon).

It’s not just that the show is not a patch on the sublime Life on Mars. It’s lots of other things too.

Indeed, we’ve got so many niggles with it, we’ve made a “big list”:

* We’re fed up with the non-stop trailers for it on every BBC channel.

* We’re bored of Gene Hunt, who used to be funny but now gets hardly any decent lines.

* We detest the way it isn’t set oop north any more.

* The car is rubbish.

* We hate that it’s called Ashes to Ashes. Apart from that being another Bowie song it makes no sense. Life on Mars meant something, Ashes to Ashes doesn’t.

* Why does Keeley Hawes’ character go to the effort of doing her hair and make-up in an 80s way? Surely, it would be a lot easier for her to just keep her 2009 style.

* Why haven’t Gene and his sidekicks aged a day since 1974, when we first met them?

* What month in 1982 is this new series set? Because Mirror Man by the Human League (as featured on the end credits) wasn’t released until November that year. Yes, we know that’s anal - we get similarly annoyed during Heartbeat too if that helps at all.

* Life on Mars looked authentically 70s. We don’t really get the same vibe from this 80s update at all. Chris’ quite convincing hair aside.

* What was all that stuff with the belts sticking out of the car doors? Actually, that was quite funny. But it still made no sense whatsoever.

* It would be so much better if they just ditched the supernatural rubbish and made a straightforward period cop show wouldn’t it.

That’s just a snapshot of our “big list” really. Possibly, more niggles will come to light as this silly series progresses. Not that we’ll be watching.

And yes, some people will no doubt complain that we’ve taken the whole thing a bit too literally and it’s all just a massive send up.

Think we’re missing the joke then.

Funniest programme of the week?

It’s got to be Nuts in May (BB4, Sun) as featured in Mike Leigh Night.

That’s right. The original film first broadcast on Play for Today in 1976.

We watched it with a 12-year-old who howled her socks off at the wonderfully odd Keith and Candice Marie (Roger Sloman and Alison Steadman) on their highly scheduled camping trip.

She’s also been going round saying “Kiss Pwudence, Keith” all day.

Marvellous.

Not sure we’ll be saying the same thing about Ashes to Ashes in 33 years time.

We count ourselves rather lucky to have a small child who gives us the perfect excuse to watch kids’ telly.

Otherwise we would have missed the fabulous Timmy Time (CBeebies, weekdays) - the new production from Aardman.

Cute, believable characters, beautiful production values, accessible storylines - and not a word of proper dialogue from start to finish.

A bit like Nuts in May, in fact!

They said it:

“Have you seen them thong things? You could wash a month’s worth of thongs and still have space for your bedding. In my day, four pair of bloomers and you’d got a full load.”

Corrie newcomer Connie explains the demise of her domestic laundry business to a fascinated Jack Duckworth.

Soapsuds - what's the point of Corrie's Natasha?

2009-04-25T05:19:00.001-07:00

WE’D like to have a little rant about Natasha on CORONATION STREET.

And we know what you’re going to say – “Natasha? Natasha who?” because that’s what everyone says.

Natasha is another one of those recently-introduced, slightly “meh” characters like Poppy the transvestite-looking barmaid (you know... the one who’s become such good pals with Tara, she can divulge what Dev got up to during their break-up.)

Natasha’s the annoyingly smirky hairdresser who’s currently bedding boggle-eyed Tone. Tony, like the rest of us, seems to spend the best part of every episode forgetting Natasha exists. Then, she’ll spring at him, outside Audrey’s, trying her best to be all pouty and Angelina-like as she spouts lines like, “I’ll have to get an injunction on you”. Sadly, since she has the broad Lancs twang of Big Glen off Dinnerladies, her role as the local sexpot doesn’t convince.

Natasha aside, Corrie’s been quite good this week. They’ve resurrected Daryl’s mam who reminds us of happy, pre-Windass days.

“I’ll be no use until I’ve had a fag,” she informed Daryl as she swanned into the kebab shop.

“Then we can play ‘spot the difference’” retorted Minnie, her rival for the high-flying kebab gig.

Elsewhere, we wondered if Norris should have a sign on the Kabin door. “We don’t approve of nacky-noo in here”. It’d be one way of keeping Natasha at bay, anyway.

Be honest, you didn’t for one minute think that Zainab was having an affair over in EASTENDERS did you?

The fluctuating moods, the secret texts from “Bob,” the pretty new scarf? We guessed it was all to do with mysterious elder son Syed within about three seconds.

Oh well. Perhaps the writers have learned their lesson about dragging a mystery out from that whole Danielle saga (sob) and just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

Can’t say we’re that interested in what Syed has been up to and whether he’ll make it up with his father.

Indeed, we’re far more intrigued about what’s happening between Masood and Jane - with their furtive glances and, er, titillating tea towel flirting.

But we suppose the prodigal son does provide a bit of welcome eye candy in a show that’s seriously lacking such important ingredients.

Which brings us to Phil Mitchell.

He’s fallen off the wagon rather spectacularly these days - meaning he’s finally got it together with the awesome Shirley. Hooray.

We aren’t half enjoying his drunken exploits, especially his penchant for Shirl’s surprisingly glamorous dressing gown.

And what with all that family’s recent woes, it’s nice to see at least one member knows how to enjoy himself in style.

It’s just a shame it’s all bound to end in tears...

Pants

2009-04-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

Oh how I wish Harry Hill was still on at the moment...

“I like Pants Man... I like Captain Squawk... but which is better?

“There’s only one way to find out.... FIGHT!!!!!”

Unfortunately, we’ll never get to see those costumed characters scrapping on the floor in that inimitable HH way.

Never mind, last night’s advertising task was probably more hilarious than any sketch you’re likely to see on a dedicated comedy show.

The teams were asked to come up with a new breakfast cereal brand and a promotional kids’ character, which would be launched in front of a room bursting with top London advertising execs.

Although let’s face it, most of the people crammed into that room were probably just nosy office workers sneaking a look at what were bound to be embarrassingly terrible presentations.

American Creme Puff Kimberly and her team of “creatives” came up with the ludicrous Pants Man. Largely because Phil stamped his foot and said he wouldn’t play any more if they didn’t run with his barmy idea.

I’d almost forgotten Mona was still in the show by the time she took to the mike to lead their pitch - but she sure as heck ended up creating a memorable telly moment.

After carefully explaining the benefits of eating bran flakes and five, or possibly three, portions of fruit and veg a day, she got straight to the point about her new cereal Wake Up Call.

“You won’t dress up like Pants Man... because you’re not Pants Man.... Only Pants Man gets away with his pants over his... clothes.”

What the blobbing hell was she on about?

For a minute there, I did think there was going to be a last minute twist - and this apparently terrible idea would end up winning on a technicality, as so often happens on The Apprentice.

You know, it had the best colour box or the other team had forgotten to mention something really vital.

Thankfully, Treasure Flakes and Captain Squawk rightfully won the day for the marvellous Kate.

Although the little lad in her ad nearly scuppered them: “I don’t have to eat it do I? I’ve got a nut allergy...” Arf.

Faced with a firing, Kimberly had ample opportunity to take some of the quiet numpties who did absolutely nothing on the task into the boardroom.

Instead, she took loudmouth Phil and lamentable Lorraine - both of whom wiped the floor with her.

Serves her right for starting the task off with that fatal grin of enthusiasm and the boastful: “Yes! This is the task I’ve been waiting for...”

Wake up call indeed.

Hell's Kitchen walk-out

2009-04-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

EXCLUSIVE: Sacked Grant Bovey has revealed one of his fellow celebrities has walked out of Hell’s Kitchen... but he doesn’t know who.Carlton-born Grant, 48, became the second contestant to be fired by chef Marco Pierre White on the ITV1 reality show last night.But he has been told another contestant has since quit the series... and he fears it may be his wife, TV presenter Anthea Turner, who was in tears following his firing.“I’m hoping it’s not Anthea. If it is her, I think they’ll allow her to phone me shortly,” he said in an interview with the Evening Post, following his departure.He also wondered if Niomi Daley, aka Ms Dynamite, may have been the one to leave.“Niomi is very principled,” he said. “If it’s her who’s gone, I’ll be miffed because I think last night’s sacking was between her and me. It’s a waste of a position.”Grant ruled out fellow contestants, goalkeeper Bruce Grobbelaar and comedian Adrian Edmondson, as potential quitters.“Bruce is very steady and Adrian is taking the competition very seriously,” he said.
*Read the full interview with Grant in Friday’s Evening Post.

Britain's Got Talent

2009-04-22T02:34:00.000-07:00

Britain's Got Talent
BRITAIN’S Got Talent. No, honestly, it does. If you really, really scour the screen until your eyes hurt, you might even be able to spot it.
Look – there’s Ant and Dec. They’re talented. Well, when we say talented, we mean they’re not so objectionable they make you want to switch right off again, which passes as talent among TV presenters. And Simon, Amanda and Piers are back as judges (no Kelly Brook – not talented enough to join these luminaries, apparently). If you’re still baffled as to what Pier’s talent might be, other than world-class slimeballing, you’re not alone. They could really do with a choreographer among the judges, instead of Simon Cowell pretending to be an expert on everything.
"It’s the show that turns ordinary people into SUPERSTARS!" announces Ant-or-Dec.
You what, hinny? Paul Potts? George Sampson? Yes, apparently, they are superstars. Paul Potts is, apparently "internationally, the most successful UK reality winner ever". More than Girls Aloud or Leona Lewis? We refuse to believe it. And George Sampson has... released a DVD. Good on that man.
This was the audition stage of the Saturday night, ITV1 show. Normally you can count on there being at least three talented acts. The rest will be laughably poor or mediocre stuff that makes Amanda cry and go: "You touched my HEART" while everyone looks very uncomfortable.
This week’s clearly talented were: that hilarious Greek father and son act and that all-lads dance group. So we had two hours to kill wondering who, among the crowds of Ferrero Rocher eaters and dancing penguins, would turn out to be Genuine Talent number three.
The signs weren’t promising.
"I’m Susan, I’m 47 I’m unemployed and I’d like to be the next Elaine Paige".
You could see sneery teens with over-GHD’d hair cocking a snook and Simon rolling his eyes. Amanda, to her credit, didn’t.
Then Susan unleashed a powerhouse of a voice and it proved one of the most moving moments on TV all weekend. Row after row rose from their seats to applaud. Amanda cried. Of course.
Never mind Elaine Paige – Susan could become more of an international superstar than Paul Potts, for Pete’s sake! Now, that’s talent.

Hell's Kitchen
Hell’s Kitchen was back (ITV1, weeknights) but it’s still not the TV event it would like to be – even if it does possess the alluring prospect of Nottingham’s answer to Piers Morgan, Grant Bovey, making a Tunnock’s Teacake of himself.
On the whole, Hell’s Kitchen attracts a higher calibre of celeb than similar shows, primarily because it doesn’t make them dance, send them to the jungle or destroy their careers through 24 hour surveillance. No, they’re here to "learn" from Marco Pierre White, the first chef to return to the show (this inconsistency has been part of its problem. Gordon, the original, is still the best). They’ve also lost Angus Deayton, replacing him with Claudia Winkleman – although they seem to have given her Angus’s make-up artist.
The celebs, meanwhile, clearly have some learning to do, as we watched Danielle Bux (Gary Lineker’s girlfriend) apparently pouring vomit on to bread. No wonder the man seems to live on crisps.
Trouble is, if you’re a foodie, you don’t actually want to watch Ms Dynamite whinging about Marco. You want to get a shufty at what she’s actually preparing and how she’s making it. How the celebs actually learn to cook always remains a mystery and the whole thing seems far more contrived than its classier mere-mortal rival, Masterchef.

Red Dwarf (Dave, Easter weeknd) wasn’t as good as it used to be but nor was it as smegging awful as it might have been. We missed Holly and the laughter track. But the fab four’s naturally ticklish charisma soon won us round.

They said it on Doctor Who
– It’s LADY Christina, actually
– That’s handy, ‘cos I’m a Lord.
– Lord of where?
– It’s quite a big estate!
David Tennant attempts to explain his origins to the aristocratic Michelle Ryan on Doctor Who (BBC1, Sat). He will be missed.

Soapsuds

2009-04-22T02:27:00.000-07:00

Corrie

SO whatever happened to Hayley’s plans to be a social worker? Presumably they’ve gone the same way as Janice Battersby’s grand scheme to be a nurse.
For now, it seems Hayley’s only job is working alongside her other half in Roy’s Rolls. So why do they need Tweety Pie Windass to help them behind the counter?
We suppose the scriptwriters are thinking that because we all fell in love with Becky dishing up the bacon butties, we’ll therefore clasp the entire Windass family to our bosoms now Anna’s got her job. But if she continues communicating in helium-speak, it’s definitely not going to happen.
Elsewhere, poor old Ken found himself caught between chive-sprinkling Stephanie Beecham and ash-sprinkling Deirdre. When he discovered love of his life Martha had swanned off down the river, things got a bit desperate.
"Martha – where are you moooooored?!" he wailed, in the same manner Fred Flintstone used to summon Wilma to the door.
And Corrie’s writers seem to be over-using Simon’s acting abilities. In that he’s getting at least half the lines in the show now. We know it must be exciting to find a child-actor who can actually act (following years of Mute Amy) but give someone else a chance, can’t you?

Easties
At least Corrie isn’t as bad as Eastenders, where it seems half the cast are under three feet tall at the moment (and we don’t mean in a Wizard of Oz kind of way).
You get an odd glimpse of the occasional grown-up (Phil, Dot, Roxy), then the rest of the air-time is devoted to under-12 Easter Egg hunts and karaoke competitions.
This Easter, they also decided to treat us to a resurrection of the never-ending plotline that involves Abi trying to set up her mum and dad because they’re "made 4 each other". Somebody give that child some hobbies.
Even Nick Cotton’s getting Pippi Longstocking to his dirty work. And how dirty that work can be with a nine-year-old in charge? We suspect not very.
Phil Mitchell seemed as baffled as we were by this week of Kindergarten Cockneys.
"Why are you here?" he grunted at Ben.
"It’s the school holidays."
"Where’s Roxy?"
"Out for the day."
"So who’s running this place?" asked Phil, waving his hand at the Vic.
Presumably a nine-year-old.

The Apprentice - the sweet smell of success

2009-04-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

OK, we know Paula probably wouldn’t have made the final. Too likeable. And can’t do maths.
But it seems so harsh to lose an otherwise reasonable candidate so early on. You could see Sr’alan doing some calculations of his own about the three victims in last night’s boardroom, though. Yasmina has won a task. And Ben? Well, he’s just good telly. Unfortunately, the little turd has “entertainment value” written all over him. Plus, he won a scholarship to Sandhurst – did you know that?
On the plus side for Paula, Sr’alan was weirdly complimentary about her product… he liked it so much we thought he was about to go and have a relaxing aromatic shower at one point.
You could tell Sr’alan would immeasurably rather have pointed his finger in opposing team leader Noorul’s direction – perhaps because as he was oozing contempt about Ignite’s soap, that soap was simultaneously oozing honey on to his suit.
Nick revealed a couple of weeks ago, in his best sinister voice, that he’d been watching Noorul and last night we finally realised why.
His opening meeting, as the teams decided what soapy products they’d be making, was a brilliant Apprentice moment. “Any… um… ideas…?” Noorul asked Team Ignite, clearly bereft of any himself.
Everyone fell silent. You could hear the slow drip, drip of the water cooler. A windmill creaked in East Anglia. We at Tellytalk took that as a “no”.
The one idea Noorul did have to sell their leaky honey soap (which becomes just like a normal soap once you’ve used it, you know) was to dress his team as a terrorist squad – sorry, beekeepers – and send them down the Tube. Not surprisingly, everyone ran away from them in horror.
Over on Paula’s team, everything seemed to be running smoothly. Until Nick pointed out they’d mistaken cheap cederwood oil for sandalwood oil (£12,000 a kilo). And Yasmina had mixed up three grams and three per cent, which meant they’d used rather a lot of it too.
The team spent about 20 minutes standing open-mouthed in shock.
Yasmina’s reaction was the best. “No, half of 45… s****”
We didn’t think Nick was supposed to tell them what mistakes they’d made until the boardroom. Even when she knew, however, Paula still didn’t seem to price her products high enough to break even.
The initial mistake, however, was Yasmina’s. In a fair world, Paula probably wouldn’t have gone. But The Apprentice isn’t fair.
And this year’s “personalities” have been a bit dull, so far.
They probably need mouthy little gits like Ben, to keep the interest alive, if nothing else.

A tough team exercise

2009-04-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

Three weeks into this series, it’s becoming increasingly clear that the quiet ones had better be worried.

Last week, a menacing Nick warned background lurker Noorul he had been “watching him for a long time.”

This week, laid back Maj got the boot for not doing anything at all really in last night’s fitness task. Quite right, really.

The moral of the story is, be loud and proud - even if your loudness and proudness results in the invention of the gloriously awful Multi Tone home gym.

That’s what Team Empire came up with when S’ralan asked his wannabe apprentices to design portable home fitness equipment for this week’s task.

Brash Ben (he’s the good looking one, arf) thought his ugly black box with a step and some wires inside it was the best thing since sliced bread.

“I shocked myself I’ve invented such a bloody good product,” he commented.

Mind you it was better than the “sex exercise” idea he originally kept going on about.

What was he thinking?

“We need some sort of spring loaded....” Ben began, as he gestured vaguely towards his nether regions.

Thank goodness he never got to finish the sentence.

At first, Empire seemed to be heading along the right lines with talk of a product to deal with every woman’s worst nightmare - bingo wings.

“Keep it simple!” hapless team leader James had warned Ben and the other half of his team as they got together with the designers to bring their idea to life.

Quite how the snappy sounding bingo buster ended up as something which looked like a cross between a miniature electric chair and an amplifier is anyone’s guess.

And quite why John Lewis ordered 500 is another worry.

The catastrophic contraption couldn’t hold a candle to rival Team Ignite’s genuinely great looking Body Rocka.

Although their success (an order for 10,000 - again from John Lewis) was no thanks to Dragon Lady Debra, their ghastly leader.

Couldn’t you slap her?

Thank goodness for hip swiveling Philip who came up with the product and delightfully disheveled Lorraine, who made some pretty awful pitches - but nothing nearly as bad as we’ve previously seen on this show.

Soapsuds

2009-04-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

MUCH use Granny Deirdre is in a fire.
There was poor little Simon, trying to make the vital phone call on CORONATION STREET to the fire brigade to get him and Peter out of a burning building.
And there was Grandma, clogging up the phone line again.
"Are you all right, Simon?" she gravelled down the phone at the cherubic tot.
"Will you get off the phone, grandma? I’m trying to call the fire brigade," the little’un informed her, not unreasonably.
In fact, we’re surprised Simon could tell it was a real live fire. He’s spent so much of his young life around at Granny Deirdre’s with her Benson and Hedges collection, he probably thought that amount of smoke is par for the course.
Anyway, we were glad he was safe. And Leanne (rabbit Leanne). We weren’t that bothered about Pathetic Peter. As for his 80s record collection – well, that deserved to melt.
Elsewhere, Maria appears to fancy Tony (Liam’s not been dead six months) and Tom appears to fancy Maria. "I go for unattainable women," he informed her, pointedly. Maria? Unattainable? We think half the men in Manchester would beg to differ.
As for Lloyd’s "lads’ away trip" to Ibiza – well that, we believe, is a voyage through the universe with Rimmer, Cat and Kryten. (Favourite ever Red Dwarf joke? "That’s a really ugly picture". "It’s a mirror").

Soapsuds

2009-04-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

WE’RE not sure this is entirely the right time or place to admit this, but just so you know... Archie from EASTENDERS...?
We probably would. Well, maybe.
There. It’s out in the open and we can’t take it back now. For an old cardi-wearing guy, he is seriously tasty.
In fact, he’s turning into one of our favourite characters, the manipulative swine.
And we’re getting increasingly concerned that just when they’ve built him up into a fabulous villain, they’re going to ham it all up with THAT wedding next week.
Please don’t write him out or kill him off or make him have to leave. We want him to stay.
We’ll even forgive him that he’s responsible for YET AGAIN preventing Danielle from telling Ronnie the worst-kept secret in the history of soap.
Incidentally, those lavish-looking trailers for the wedding next week. What the flip is that all about?
They probably cost more than Dot Cotton’s entire salary for the last 12 months.
And she’s up for a Bafta (though Lord only knows why, actually).
Elsewhere this week we welcomed the marvellous Edward Woodward into the show. He’s got four Ds in his name, you know. Otherwise he’d be called E-war-woo-war.
Boom boom.
Oh and here’s another.
What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward.
What do you call a man with three wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
There you go – this is officially the funniest Soapsuds columns we’ve ever written now.
Thanks, Edward.
Over on CORONATION STREET, Gail "Tough Love" Platt has finally done what she should have done years ago.
Yes, instead of blinking at David in a reproachful way, she’s finally kicked him into oblivion. Well, Liverpool. With her ex, Martin. Same thing.
Phew! Now we can maybe all move on from perjury and juvenile detention plotlines. Because we’re not sure about you, but after all that Julie Myerson stuff in the tabloids, we’re heartily sick of middle-class mums bleating on about their tearaway sons. Actually, does Gail Platt count as middle class? Well, Audrey would certainly like to think so.
Anyway, after Corrie’s brief day in the sun last week with Becky’s wedding, we’re back to the usual nonsense we’ve seen too much of lately. Joe, Gail’s man-of-the-moment (who comes complete with Martin Platt’s hair-gelled hedgehog do) jeopardised the relationship by accepting a job from the Windasses – the same family whose refusal to pay up for their kitchen sent his business spiralling downhill in the first place. And that’s not the only thing that makes no sense. Namely Tony and whatserface (Natasha, is it?) Why should we care? As for Poppy, that new barmaid, is it just us or do you see her and think "Five o’ clock shadow"? Maybe it’s just us.

Rocky's knocked out..

2009-04-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on Week Two of The Apprentice...

Poor little Rocky fell for the oldest trick in The Apprentice book during last night’s deliciously humiliating catering task.

Never, never, NEVER put yourself forward as team leader when the challenge is in any way related to the field in which you work.

You will ALWAYS get fired.

Sweet 21-year-old Rocky, who runs a chain of ten sandwich shops oop north, bravely volunteered to take control of the boys when they were asked to provide lunch and evening meals for high flying city bankers.

Hmm, so what food should they serve?

“The obvious thing is sandwiches,” Rocky suggested. Eureka!

But before he could say “BLT”, the other lads had randomly concocted a hideous Olympic 2012 theme for their lunch do. With different butties representing each Continent - including chicken tikka for Asia and peanut butter for the USA. Nice.

And things got worse for the evening event, when the theme shifted to Ancient Greece - with the boys all decked out in togas to serve cheddar and pickle on a stick to some of Chicago’s greatest business brains.

“I look like I’ve just escaped from a mental asylum,” observed a mortified looking Maj.

Unsurprisingly, the clients were not impressed - holding back a good chunk of the agreed price so that the lads made an unforgivable £161 loss.

If only they’d managed to secure that ludicrous £60-a-head deal moany Philip had originally pitched for.

Over on the girls’ team, no nonsense Yasmina was having an equally bad time on the food front - despite allegedly being a "restaurateur."

And no, I don't think I'll be booking a table at her gaff any time soon either.

She sent clueless Kate in to pitch for the evening event in one of the most cringeworthy presentations in the entire history of commerce.

Hot food, cold food, bruschettas, blinis - it all seemed like another language to poor Kate.

Observer Margaret Mountford spoke for us all when she clutched her head in her hands in sheer desperation.

Nevertheless, despite serving plates and plates of hideous looking food - mostly chunky tomatoes and 74 tins of cheap tuna - the girls made a stunning £650 profit and duly went off to learn polo as their treat.

Poor, poor loser Rocky, meanwhile, had to decide who to take with him into the fearsome boardroom.

James - the one who says he wakes up in the morning and can taste success in his spit - was alarmed that he might be up for the chop.

“I feel like I did when my cat died,” he wailed.

Rocky also brought gawmless Howard in with him - on the basis that having run pubs successfully for several years, he should have known a teeny bit more about catering.

But in the end S’ralan took the easy option and got rid of our young novice. What a shame.

Still, the other chaps shouldn’t be resting on their laurels - especially after Nick Hewer’s chilling warning to Noorul for no particular reason I can fathom.

“I’ve made it my business to watch you for some time....”

Scary stuff indeed.

A dirty business

2009-03-26T01:27:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on Week One of The Apprentice, Series Five

So here we go again, then. These are the 15 idiots, sorry, hopefuls we’ll be spending the next 12 weeks of our lives ridiculing and deriding.

Ah, don’t you just love reality television?

I must admit there was that familiar brief moment of doubt when I first glimpsed The Fifteen triumphantly trundling over the bridge pulling their little cases behind them.

“Oh no, this isn’t going to be as good as the last series!” I worried.

Fortunately, such concerns were swiftly put to bed as soon as Idiot Number One started waffling on about making money being better than sex.

And then Eloquent Anita made the killer statement: “I am outstanding - that’s a given!”

Yes that’s right, Anita was the one who later got fired.

I knew then it was all going to be all right.

S’ralan warned the hopefuls he wasn’t going to be taken in by people who were just good at using words.

“I know the words to Candle in the Wind,” he said, rather dubiously. “Don’t make me Elton John.”

He also revealed that one contestant - “Matey” - had already dropped out because he wasn’t up to the pressure needed to become S’ralan’s “diamond.”

The others could barely hide their glee.

Onto the task, and it was an apparently straightforward one. Go out and make money by cleaning something. Anything.

Most of the lads team, by now calling themselves Empire, headed down to a cab firm and spent what seemed like several hours pressure washing just one vehicle (with the door open).

“Never have so many people spent so much time cleaning so few cars,” said the marvellous Margaret Mountford, who was observing them.

The girls (aka Ignite), led by Mona - pronounced Monna for no particular reason - cocked the whole thing up big time by not spending their budget frugally.

Things didn’t look good when Mona at one point asked: “What’s this?”

Her colleague had to explain calmly: “A duster.”

Oh dear.

Sure enough, the girls lost and went off to get the obligatory “spanking in the board room,” as Nick Hewer would put it.

Surely it was going to be between hapless Mona, who thought she’d been a “fantastic leader” or scary Debra, who complained she’d been put in charge of a couple of puppets.

But no. Anita might as well have had “fire me now” written on her forehead as she admitted she’d made mistakes with the budget but would learn from them.

Bye bye love.

“In ten years time, he’ll think maybe I made the wrong decision,” Anita commented as she took that lonely cab ride back home.

I doubt it, love.

Like the rest of us viewers, S’ralan probably won’t even remember what you’re called in a couple of weeks when this series has started to kick off...

Clough (ITV1, 10.35pm Wed)

2009-03-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

"HELLO young man!"
There he was. Brian Clough, back on the box; large as life and twice as natural in Clough (ITV1, 10.35pm).
Hazel eyes, crackling with humour, sizing up his interviewer to see what kind of reaction he’s provoking. And a mouth turned in a steady half-smile, always ready to say something outrageous.
And, by ‘eck, how we’ve missed him.
It has to be said, the last time ITV attempted a documentary about any of Nottingham’s sporting heroes, it was a great hide-behind-your-hands-in-horror disaster. Their tacky Torvill and Dean "tribute" involved such leading luminaries as Suzanne Shaw and Bonnie Langford giving their views on iceskating’s greats.
But the Clough family probably reckon things can’t get much worse, as far as portrayals of their patriarch are concerned. They’ve seen David Peace’s The Damned United – a "faction" they regard as an offensive fallacy – turned into a film. In this, the week of the movie’s release, they demanded their say.
And the result was a deeply moving, tremendously entertaining look at the life of Brian, seen through the eyes of his nearest and dearest. Brian’s beloved wife Barbara, his sons Nigel and Simon, and his players were all present and correct.
Narrator Pete Postlethwaite rumbled in the background. What was not to like? (At least, until Geoff Boycott appeared).
As you’d expect in a Cloughie retrospective, there were ripples of controversy. It turned out he never stood a chance with the England manager’s job, despite 95 per cent of the country baying his name. – Sir Harold Thompson, the FA’s domineering chairman, had already plumped for Ron Greenwood. And you could see the hurt The Damned United had wrought on Barbara.
"Have you read a novel with a real person’s name in it?" she demanded, angrily.
Still, we also saw Forest’s European triumphs, via a few clips of vintage Cloughie.
"I would sit ready for what he was going to say next," said Barbara, with a nervous laugh. "You sort of got used to it!"
There was no shying away from the misfortunes that beset Clough’s later years – recounted movingly by Nigel – who has now inherited his dad’s Derby mantle.
"He’s turning into my father," quipped a mischievous Simon.
"They should have got together again. It was ridiculous," sighed Barbara, before smiling. "They probably are together again!"
My only quibble was the timeslot. 10.35pm made it a late night for anyone wanting to see ITV finally do something right.

Comic Relief Apprentice

2009-03-16T04:05:00.000-07:00

DIDN’T you want it to be Jonathan Ross who got fired? He was so teeth-grindingly annoying on Comic Relief Apprentice (BBC1, Fri).
Plus, we took so blimming long to even reach the actual firing, each snippet intersected with hours of – yet MORE – Jonathan Ross, this time in the Comic Relief studio.
We thought the editing HAD to be building towards a wed card for Wossy.
Everyone in the Great British nation who wanted the Beeb to sack him last year, following Sachs-gate (most of us simply because we can’t stand Ross, rather than out of sympathy for that Satanic Slut woman) finally seemed to have been granted their wish: namely Sr’Alan Sugar, pointing his finger across the boardroom table, informing him of instant dismissal.
But no. Even though the boys’ team lost and even though their failure in the task – to design a new toy – seemed to be largely down to Wossy’s vast ego, Gerald Ratner failed to bring him into the boardroom. Pah!
Ratner, of course, is famous for wiping £500 million off the value of his jewellery company after declaring he was selling “total c**p”.
Clearly he hasn’t learned his lesson because he made the same mistake with the boys’ team product – a “swap belt” (a belt on which little collectables could be hung) – was a “s**t or swim” product. Charming.
Well Sr’Alan decided it was the former.
“But kids have loads of Pokemon characters!” protested Wossy. “Yes, but Pokemon is a popular cartoon that didn’t originate in the mind of Jonathan Ross,” we wanted somebody to point out but no-one did.
In the end, it was squealy-voiced Alan Carr who went but nobody – not even Sr’Alan – was taking it terribly seriously.
All except Patsy Palmer who had kicked up a right old stink on the girls’ team. The girls’ winning design, a velcro suit that sticks you together with somebody else, looked fab. We’ve already got one on mail order. But Patsy was too busy playing Bianca: “Down’t you tell me what to do!” she screamed at her team leader, businesswoman Michelle Mone. “’Ow dare you?”
You can take the woman out of Walford... sadly there seems to be no removing Ross from the BBC – even temporarily.

Let's hear it for the boys!

2009-03-11T03:04:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on the new BBC3 sketch show Horne & Corden...

Well, all things considered, our boy Mathew Horne and his pal James Corden didn’t do at all bad in their first outing as sketch show kings.
"Promising" - that’s how I’d describe Horne & Corden (BBC3, Tues).
"A lot better than I thought it was going to be after their terrible stint on the Brits" - is another way of looking at it.
The dull and embarrassing intro bit with the pair as "themselves" (a la Mary Whitehouse Experience) needs dropping immediately.
Some of the sketches went on far too long without really going anywhere. Superman and Spiderman, for instance. That was really good for the first minute, but got irritating after a further four. Same with Xander, the boarding school chum from hell.
And there was rather too much reliance on James Corden taking his clothes off and wobbling his fat belly for my liking.
He’s a large man with a big gut. Can we move on now, please?
But all in all, there were several glimmers of hope.
Camp News 24 war correspondent Tim Goodall was hilarious with his " 'iya from Basra!" routine. "OMFG, what just happened?" he minced as a huge bomb exploded in front of him.
Corden’s excellent impersonation of Ricky Gervais in Karate Kid 14 also made me titter.
Not sure what the viewing public are going to latch on to as the main catchphrase from this series.
Because, let’s face it, without a silly catchphrase, no sketch show can ever survive.
We’re banking on Jonny and Lee Miller, the anti gun crime magicians, with their: "When I say you say we say you say..." act.
Like all good catchphrases, it doesn’t look anything written down.
But repeat it enough times every episode and you might just get away with it.
Similarly, repeat some of those good characters and drop the dross, and Corden and Horne (sounds much better that way round to me) might also have a hit on their hands.

Ready Steady Cook with Becky

2009-03-06T02:03:00.000-08:00

Ready Steady Cook (BBC2, 4.30pm weeknights) doesn't bother with boring members of the pubic as contestants now.
Instead, its kitchens are a celeb-only zone (well, we say celebs, we mean minor characters off Holby City).
But last night, they had Mansfield superstar Becky Adlington and her mum Kay competing to win that special Ready Steady Cook plate thing that has "straight to eBay" written all over it, plus the chance to donate money to charity.
We used to like the lovely Fern Britton as presenter but, of course, she defected to ITV years ago. So now we've got former Ready Steady chef Ainsley Harriott. We used to think the problem with Ainsley was that he wasn't quite used to being a presenter yet. He's always awkward and gurning. But it's been about 10 years, for pity's sake. 10 YEARS! And Ainsley still behaves with the gritted-teeth bonhomie of your dad at a dinner party, trying to cover up for the fact there's been some massive family row. The outsized helpings of forced jollity drive us insane.
Becky, she of the golden hair and the golden medals, confessed she wasn't actually an amazing cook. That was good - we'd be far too jealous otherwise. Her "goody bag" contained steak, an enormous potato, cheese, brocolli and a carrot that rolled on to the floor. "We'll WASH IT, it's alright!" cried Ainsley to the viewers, already in a tizz. Is he worried about being the subject of a letter on Points of View or something? Then he told Becky she could put the broccoli in a flask and take it to training. Hah?
Over on the other side (the red tomato kitchen), Becky's mum Kay had one of those fab Italian chefs called Aldo, who says everything once in English, then repeats it in Italian. As in "Perfect! Perfecto!" He thought he'd do soul meuniere with the fish Kay had brought. "With the rest, you will see something you have never seen before" he said, with Mediterranean panache. "Ooooooh!" went the audience. "Making it up as he goes along" we thought.
Kay is, apparently, an excellent cook. It runs in the family. "My nan-ah was a dinner lady and she was brilliant," she says.
Nan-ah! How fab to hear that on national TV! As the saying goes, you can take the ladies out of Mansfield...
The 20 minute countdown began, as did Ainsley's questions of randomness to his guests. But he actually managed to uncover a scoop. Did you know that Becky Adlington, winner of two Olympic gold medals for swimming, doesn't like the sea?
"I love water, I just don't love it with fish in it," she says. "It's fear of the unknown. Sharks and things that might eat you."
Aldo the Italian, clearly had no such qualms and was busy slitting Kay's lemon soul and sprinkling it with salt.
"Becky won't eat fish," adds Kay. "She won't even come in the kitchen when I'm cooking fish."
We reached the grand finale, which is always amusing, because it involves our contestants trying to simultaneously scoff five dishes and go: "Mmmm! It's lovely!"
Of course, Becky, in the green pepper kitchen, won. She is the nation's sweetheart, after all. And the Asian steak thingy with cheesy bread looked "Mmmm! lovely!"
"Here's a woman who achieved a challenge in the water, along with her mum!" cried Ainsley, in a confusing summation. Now, we have to say, our eyes were very bleary when we watched Becky achieve her Olympic glory. But we never noticed her mum splashing around in there with her. Maybe she was fending off the fish?

Should Cerrie get the sack?

2009-02-26T03:39:00.000-08:00

By Oonagh Robinson

Due to circumstances beyond my control (i.e living with a psychotic toddler), I find myself watching a lot of kids’ telly.
Specifically, CBeebies - the dedicated channel for pre-school kids.
Now it’s not very often that this channel gets a mention in the news (I think the last time was when some plonker decided to drop In the Night Garden), but this week it’s hardly been out of the headlines.
All because of new presenter Cerrie Burnell, who only has one arm.
According to some reports, small tots have been running screaming from their living rooms and having recurrent nightmares because they have been forced to watch Ms Burnell.
Her disability, which she makes absolutely no attempt to hide (and why should she?) is too scary for small tots to put up with, according to some dubious Internet discussion forums.
"This sort of thing shouldn’t be inflicted on my granddaughters!" said one irate woman who called in to The Wright Stuff on Five this week.
Doesn’t it make you proud that you live in such a caring and broadminded society?
Of course, it’s utter nonsense that kids have been scared by Cerrie’s appearance.
My tot hasn’t even noticed and neither have any of her friends. That’s the beauty of little kids - they accept everything as completely "normal."
It’s far more likely that any "scaring" that’s been going on is a result of narrow minded parents vocalising their own expressions of distaste.
And even if a child did appear to be uncomfortable about watching the disabled presenter, wouldn’t that be a good opportunity for a parent to have a little chat about the issue and resolve the situation?
Rather than immediately bombarding the CBeebies message board with demands for Cerrie to be sacked.
On the other hand, I do actually think Cerrie SHOULD be fired. And her co-presenter Alex.
But that opinion has got nothing to do with disability.
I say that because they are both utterly terrible at presenting.
She has a permanent look like a rabbit caught in the headlights while he is so bland you could probably use him to wallpaper a new-build house.
And neither of them can sing the iconic "bedtime song" - a signal for millions of kids all over the UK to go to sleep.
Predecessors Chris and Pui were magnificent in comparison and it’s a travesty that they were dropped in favour of this insipid pair.
Heck, Pui was an actual Teletubby for goodness sake - what more could you want from a children’s presenter?
As I listen to my 22-month-old asking me every day: "Where Oy Dom?" (translation "where’s Pui gone?"), I have to wipe away a silent tear as I tell her she’s just away on holiday and will be back soon.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish Cerrie all the best and hope she goes on to prove me totally wrong - developing into an accomplished presenter.
But at this very moment?
Bring back Chris and Pui!

The Meh Awards...

2009-02-19T00:27:00.000-08:00

Oonagh Robinson on The Brit Awards (ITV1, Weds)

Well, it's a long way from Burton Joyce to The Brit Awards - but the question is will last night's co-host Mathew Horne get asked back next year?
Hmm, I wouldn't put money on it.
Oh, don't get me wrong. The Nottingham lad - who was presenting along with pal James Corden and teeny tiny Kylie Minogue - didn't do anything particularly horrifying. Nothing in the Sam Fox/Mick Fleetwood category anyway.
But the whole thing was just a bit "meh!"
Kylie spent most of the time backstage changing into different outfits.
Mat and James tried their hand at a few jokes (mostly centring around Craig David not winning anything, zzzzz) - and they seemed to go down like the proverbial lead balloon.
Unless that was just a result of these horrible modern production techniques for "live" TV performances, where the crowd noises are completely switched off - leading to a serious lack of atmosphere.
The awards themselves were a predictable affair - Duffy won everything and Coldplay walked away empty handed (snigger).
Paul Weller got British Male Solo Artist. Eh? Makes you wonder where Robbie Williams is when you need him.
It was a nice surprise to see Elbow pip Take That to the post for British Group - especially since Gary and the lads blatantly mimed during their "spectacular" live performance. (Although I rather liked their Kraftwerk inspired costumes, so maybe I'll let them off).
Iron Maiden were rather suspiciously named Best Live Act and a weird girl called Florence won something for being new and edgy and tall. Her swearing got bleeped out, which is lucky considering this was supposed to be a live broadcast.
The rest of the awards seemed to be dominated by "International" categories, mostly won by Kings of Leon.
Which brings me to the live performances.
U2 were surprisingly bad. Girls Aloud were surprisingly good (and wore hardly any clothes, which was quite helpful).
Chris Martin ran out of puff as usual, Duffy was boringly competent and the Ting Tings for some reason had to put up with Estelle ruining their biggest hits. Oh well.
The only ones who were really any good were the aforementioned Kings of Leon. So much for British music ruling the world.
Lifetime Achievement award winners The Pet Shop Boys struggled a bit in the finale until that nice chap from The Killers came on stage to help with their attempts at "singing." Lovely lad.
In the end, though, the whole show was a rather staid, oh-so-professional affair - with us viewers praying for some amusing cock-up or other to brighten the evening.
So let's give it up for Alex James from Blur, who was the only guest to even attempt to make himself look a total plonker by fumbling his lines and missing his cue...

The kids are all right...

2009-02-04T00:05:00.000-08:00

More cutting edge investigative journalism from Channel 4 last night with the hard hitting series Boys and Girls Alone.

Apparently, right, if you get a group of primary school aged boys and a group of primary school aged girls and leave them together in a house to fend for themselves for three weeks without any adult supervision, chaos ensues.

Blimey, who could have known?

Still it was all ever so entertaining in a kind of "Big Brother for Little Uns" way.

The boys spent their entire time the first couple of days playing at water fights and failing miserably to feed themselves.

One little fella did try to cook himself a Pot Noodle, but didn't know how to plug the kettle in. So he tried it with cold water instead. Nasty.

The girls, meanwhile, were a lot better at cooking - with a decent looking Spag Bol on the cards one night.

Only trouble was, the two self styled head girls weren't giving their lovingly cooked food to just any old housemate. Oh no, THEY decided who ate and who didn't.

They decided more or less everything in fact.

Yes indeed, the girls had quickly divided into the It Crowd and the Isn't Crowd.

At one point the It girls broke into their rivals' house and sprawled evil messages like: "You're going to die" on the walls.

Which made a couple of eight-year-olds cry ( and I must say I would have too).

It must have been a proud moment for the parents as they watched this real life horror story unfold from the safety of the video room, where they were merrily following the action.

At one point, the grown ups were allowed to visit their offspring and offer a bit of moral support and guidance.

One little lad, who was more or less starving, begged and begged his mum to go home.

She was having none of it - after all, she wanted her 15 minutes of fame didn't she?

Eventually she relented and the tot was last seen tugging his suitcase out the gate as his fellow inmates looked on.

Eye opening stuff this for anyone who's ever wondered what their kids get up to when they're on their own.

But I kind of hope it doesn't go on for to much longer.

Remember Lord of the Flies anyone?

You're always at home with Channel 4

2009-01-29T00:16:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night on Channel 4 is always a great opportunity to get your catty head on thanks to the two property programmes Relocation, Relocation and Grand Designs.

The former did not disappoint at all last night thanks to the two wacky arty types looking for a bohemian pad in the heart of swinging London.

“Look at the beardy weirdy!” we were saying to ourselves minutes after Kirstie and Phil introduced us to this awesome twosome.

“He looks like someone off The Open University, circa 1975,” commented my other half.

And so we settled down to an hours worth of bitching as K&P showed this picky couple round one dodgy looking flat after another.

Kirstie, who was by our reckoning about ten or 12 months pregnant and had taken to walking the streets looking like Demis Roussos (see picture above), got increasingly exasperated with them as they kept changing their minds.

Phil as always kept his cool - but still didn’t manage to find them a flat.

As is so often the case with this programme, the couple managed to go off and do that by themselves.

We caught up with them late in the show in their horrible two bedroom hovel.

God, aren’t you glad you don’t have to live in London?

The second programme in the C4 catalogue last night was a little disappointing though.

All the previews of this episode of Grand Designs had talked of a couple from Wales who were trying to convert an old folly without even the services of an architect.

Brilliant!

Unfortunately, they must have pulled that episode and replaced it with this really dud one.

A proper boring affair where the very sensible couple spent about four or five decades creating a lovely glass and wood mansion out of an old shed.

Everything went fine.

And, of course, the woman managed to get pregnant and have a child during the filming process - as is always the case on this programme.

Indeed my advice to anyone trying to conceive a baby is to just sign up for Grand Designs. You’re bound to get up the duff as soon as Kevin McCloud and his team show up.

So, we’re left with a big mystery.

What happened to the couple from Wales and their foolish folly?

Will we ever get to see their no doubt very entertaining attempts to create a new home?

See you next week for the bitchfest!

Who's your winner (or runner up, at least)?

2009-01-22T00:32:00.000-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest "live" eviction from the Celeb BB house...

So it’s all over for LaToya and Tommy following last night’s live eviction.

Well, you know, I say live.

According to my sources, the second eviction show wasn’t live at all.

It was recorded straight after the first show ended (ie during Heston Blumenthal’s silly show about Little Chef).

That’s why the phone lines closed so early.

Did you notice, for instance, that when we returned to the house at 10pm, there was quite clearly no: “You are live on Channel 4, please do not swear?”

See.

Anyway, I digress. LaToya and Tommy are no more.

Bit of a surprise about the former, not a shock at all about the latter. I won't really miss either of them much.

Indeed, Davina's revelation that Janet Jackson was in London and on her way to congratulate her sister did rather make me wish she'd been in the house instead.

So now we can just about see the finishing line.

And the big question is.... who will actually come second to sure fire winner Verne (did you hear that crowd cheering him)?

Ulrika could claim the female vote and do very well.

Ben - although the boring swine doesn’t deserve it - might be popular with the ladies too.

Coolio has certainly been larger than life, but could you actually call him popular?

That leaves good old Terry - who for my money has been witty, entertaining and a thoroughly decent bloke throughout.

Maybe someone will even revive The Word on the strength of his appearance.

But don't let that put you off.

Vote Terry your runner up now.

And enjoy seeing Verne emerge (out the back door) as the victor in Friday's (live) final...

The girl done good...

2009-01-20T01:10:00.000-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest eviction from Big Brother...

Well, I can think of worse ways of being evicted from Celebrity Big Brother.
Most of these “surprise” jobbies involve the evictee being unceremoniously shoved outside in dressing gown and slippers with greasy hair and no make-up.
Michelle, on the other hand, came out looking like a Greek goddess as 50,000 paparazzi jumped over themselves to get pictures.
Can’t think for the life of me who managed to get their vote in during such a short space of time.
Especially when EastEnders and Corrie were on at the same time on the other side.
I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out in a couple of months that this eviction was one of those naughty scams Ofcom keeps investigating. And the only people who actually voted were Davina and a couple of PR skivvies.
Still, Michelle’s done well out of this programme and no mistake.
Who’d have thought a member of a defunct pop band like Liberty X could take so much attention away from far bigger luminaries like Ulrika, LaToya and Mini Me?
Can’t wait to read the first spread with her and the now infamous Hugh in Heat next week.
You’d almost think she planned this whole thing. Surely not?
So now it’s a straightforward vote for your favourite to win on Friday.
Lordy, but there are still a lot of people to choose from in there though!
I can’t see anyone but Verne coming out top, but maybe the strange but wonderful LaToya can pip him to the post at the last minute.
As for me... I’m going for Terry. Purely on the basis of his brilliant analysis of the typical voter on Big Brother.
A right thicko.

Coolio and the gang

2009-01-15T00:34:00.000-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest BB News...

Eh? How did that happen then?
One minute Coolio is being a truly “vile man” to Ulrika and Michelle - telling them their ass will be out of HIS house on Friday.
The next Michelle is apologising to him for daring to call him a bully.
You’ve got to hand it to Coolio, he’s got that whole house eating out the palm of his hand.
Even Big Brother seems a bit scared to reprimand him.
That serious voiced version of BB did try and tell the rapper in the diary room that some of the things he said last night could be taken as offensive.
But there was no order to apologise immediately to the girls or anything.
Yet when the ever tearful Michelle went in to see Big Brother, she was asked if she could have a word with Coolio and sort the situation out.
Which she (rather bravely) did.
Amazing.
Whatever you think about Michelle and whether she is making a mountain out of a molehill with this whole Ben thing, Coolio has been a bit of a git to her.
An entertaining one, but a git nonetheless.
Is there anyone with the balls to stand up to this man?
Terry (who’s turning out to be a bit of a star this series) has tried, admittedly.
And LaToya seems to get his attention, but she’s always getting the wrong end of the stick.
Tommy is too busy worrying about looking a plonker while dressed as a racing car (uh hum).
Ben is just a waste of space, while Tina “I Know Everything Ages Before You Do” Malone is not interested in the situation because it’s not about her.
That probably just leaves the marvellous Verne to cool Coolio down a bit.
Wouldn't you love to see him let rip (preferably dressed in that teddy bear suit)?

Methinks the lady doth protest too much...

2009-01-14T00:24:00.001-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on this week's Celeb BB eviction news...

So it’s a depressingly familiar scenario in the Celeb BB house this week....

Four female housemates up for eviction when it really should have been a couple of males (Coolio and Terry).

Never mind all the fuss about bullying and racism - it’s good old fashioned sexism that often wins the day in this setting.

So who will get the old heave ho?

Not Mutya, I reckon. You have to actually do something to inspire people to pick up the phone to get rid of you.

And despite everyone moaning about how controlling and irritating Ulrika is, viewers aren’t really seeing this side of her. So she could be all right.

Tina is a definite contender for the boot, what with the shouty thing and the sweary thing. Oh and the annoying shaky head thing. And let’s not forget the alarming toe nail bitey thing either, shall we? I don’t think that image will fade from my memory in a hurry.

That just leaves weepy Michelle.

She keeps getting ever so upset because of Coolio’s jibes about her closeness with Ben. She’s worried her boyfriend will be watching and dump her if the rapper carries on taking the Mick.

The hilarious thing is, nearly everyone else in the house has also been whispering about Ben and Michelle behind their backs.

The boyfriend is much more likely to be worried by them than by Coolio’s childish insinuations.

It’s all a classic “methinks the lady doth protest too much” situation by the looks of it.

After all, when Tommy told Michelle last week that he didn’t want to dance with her because of how it could look on the outside, Michelle casually laughed his worries off.

Yeah - because she doesn’t fancy him, does she?

Dishy Ben’s a different kettle of fish though.

Or then again, maybe Michelle is a lot cleverer than we all think.

Could it be that she’s just orchestrating a controversy where one doesn’t exist, so that when she eventually gets out the media will be all over her and her chap?

Surely not?

Only YOU can decide...

Gentle Ben escapes this week's vote...

2009-01-07T00:29:00.000-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on the latest from the Celebrity Big Brother House...

Does it make you wonder whether BenFromA1 has got some dodgy photos of the other housemates in Celeb BB?

Why else did so many of them vote to save the ever-so-famous-honest-singer from facing the public vote in last night’s live show?

Have I been watching another programme or since when was he such good chums with everyone all of a sudden?

The only exciting thing he’s really done so far is make the mistake of asking LaToya: “Have you ever been married?” Oops.

Cue Ms Nutty as a Fruitcake Jackson going on and on for about six hours about how she was forced to get married to some Italian Mafia bloke (on the basis that she could get an annulment after six months, of course) and how he beat her up and intimidated her until she could take no more and ran away.

Or something.

Must admit, BenFromA1’s face as this unlikely tale unraveled was quite a picture.

“Save me now!” he seemed to be saying as he nodded along politely.

And save him the others duly did in the end.

So now we’ve got to choose between Ulrika and Lucy for this week's eviction.

And I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but... I do hope Ulrika stays.

She’s chatty and engaging and really quite funny.

Whereas Lucy is dull as dishwater.

Let's do the right thing and vote her out, ok?

The No Talent Show...

2009-01-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

OONAGH ROBINSON on this year's Celebrity Big Brother, the story so far...

Well, after a bit of a “meh” start, this year’s Celebrity Big Brother finally got interesting last night.

The talent contest - which categorically proved that everyone with the possible exception of Mutya has no talent at all - was utterly hilarious.

Personal highlights included gawmless Michelle Heaton doing her best to simultaneously sing in tune and hold a stick in a sexy manner.

Even Coolio was left speechless for once.

Meanwhile, LaToya - who the others seem so oddly in awe of - sang one of her brothers hits. Very badly.

Looking at her laughably serious demeanour, you’d think she was performing to save her life.

Rather than just to impress the bloke who used to present The Word.

With rumours abounding that this year’s housemates have all been coached on how to avoid conflict, I was beginning to worry that there would be no bitchiness at all to entertain us.

Michelle’s apparently innocent jibe about Tina from Shameless looking like “the princess from Shrek” put an end to all those concerns.

We couldn’t help siding with Coolio, who thought the remark was ROFL funny (not to mention highly accurate).

The more Michelle didn’t get why the rapper was laughing and the more BenFromA1 tried to explain the confusion (she meant the slim, pretty princess from Shrek, you see), the more delightfully awkward the situation became.

Michelle ended up in tears, while Tina vowed that she was ready to become “really nasty” if Coolio carried on being so horrid.

Bring it on.

And a quick word (geddit) for current head of house Terry, who has played a blinder so far with his choices for this week’s eviction.

How annoyed will the producers be if Ulrika goes now that they’ve paid her £7bn or whatever to appear? Marvellous.

On the other hand, we’d prefer it to be topless model Lucy. A woman so dull she makes BenFromA1 look good.

Oh yes, one more thing.

Verne to win of course.

Spare us the Christmas specials

2008-12-22T00:56:00.000-08:00

Well, the Christmas specials are certainly starting to come in thick and fast this week.
And all we can say is... make it stop. Please.
For One Night Only (ITV1, Sat) with Tom Jones, The Charlotte Church Nutcracking Christmas Special (C4, Sun), All Star Mr and Mrs Christmas Special (ITV1, Sat) and the awful Clash of the Santas (ITV1, Sun)... fun isn’t the word.
In fact, the word is something we probably can’t write in this blog.
Perhaps most gruesome of all was After You’ve Gone (BBC1, Sun).
This is the embarrassingly bad comedy created by the people who bought you My Family, with Nicholas Lyndhurst playing a (deservedly) abandoned dad and Celia Imrie as his utterly dull mother in law.
We’ve only previously caught the last five minutes or so on a Friday night (usually when switching over for Have I Got News for You), but even from this fleeting glimpse you could see it was very, very bad.
Nothing could prepare us for the full half hour experience though.
The Christmas plot, if you can use such a word to describe this kind of material, involved a burglary, a house swap and a hilarious case of mistaken identity.
A teenage son, who obviously had some kind of specials needs which was never quite explained, was also involved in a sub plot about selling toy dolls.
And Tracy Beaker was around for some of the time too as a teenage daughter. She didn’t get too many lines though. Lucky her.
It was only towards the end of this dire show that it suddenly struck us.
Nicholas Lyndhurst was once a part of the must-see show of the Christmas TV schedule (Fools and Horses). Now look at him.
If you think you’ve had a bad year, what with the credit crunch and all that, at least console yourself with one thought.
You’re not Nicholas Lyndhurst.
Best thing on the telly all weekend was actually a kids' drama, Dustbin Baby (BBC1, Sun) - about troubled teen April (Dakota Blue Richards) and her foster mum (Juliet Stevenson).
Penned by Jacqueline Wilson, it had a good story (a baby abandoned at birth and shoved in a dustbin at a pizza parlour), fine acting, warmth and a real Christmassy feel - despite having nothing at all to do with the festive season.
With the afternoon darkness outside, the twinkling lights on the tree, a large tin of Quality Street on the go and a reasonably happy ending, this was indeed a perfect yuletide family drama.

Sick of Christmas food programmes yet?

2008-12-18T05:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we don't know about you but we're sick of the sight of food and Christmas hasn't even begun properly yet.
TV schedulers have gone a bit barmy with their festive food programmes this week.
First Nutty Nigella (Nigella's Christmas Kitchen, BBC2 Mon-Thurs) and her glamorous tagine feasts and deep freezers that "do all the hard work" when you're cooking. (Unfortunately, they don't trudge to Tesco in the rain and lug all the ingredients back home though, do they Nige?)
Then Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall showed us what Christmas at River Cottage (C4, Weds) was all about.
Mostly shooting perfectly harmless deer by the looks of it. Very unnecessary.
And finding out how to make Brussels sprouts palatable to someone who doesn't like Brussels sprouts. By covering them with black pudding and deep frying, allegedly.
Common to both these programmes was a major scene where the host's friends would turn up for a mind blowing Christmas meal involving delicious food and wine and merry-making.
Husbands, wives and children did not appear to have been invited.
We imagined them cold and friendless, sitting in a room next door watching EastEnders while all the fun was going on so close to them.
Wives and children were, however, present in Willie's Perfect Chocolate Christmas (C4, Weds).
The Willie in question here being ever so eccentric Willie Harcourt-Cooze, a man who cannot stop thinking about chocolate ever.
Yeah? So what's so eccentric about that?
This was one of those slightly tongue-in-cheek Channel Four jobbies where we got to see the everyday family life of our hero - including scenes with his "long suffering" wife and "adorable" kids in their rambling country home.
It was obviously supposed to come across as an endearing look at the chaotic life of this maverick cook and the people who love him.
But in reality, it just came across as one big festival of utter smugness.
And there wasn't nearly enough chocolate...

Strictly - why are we bothering?

2008-11-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a bad, bad few weeks for Strictly Come Dancing.
Now we know it's daft to accuse a programme that involves more fake tan than you'd find in Dale Winton's bathroom of being artificial.
But that's how it feels now. A show full of phoneys. With the exit of Christine, all the nice genuine celebs, the ones we were rooting for, have gone. As have our reasons for voting. We'd put in a few calls for Cherie (doing it for the more mature ladies, amazing legs) until she went. Also John Sergeant, because he capered around with such glee. And Jodie Kidd and Christine were nice gals who had managed to cling on to that crucial attitude - perspective.
Without them, the show's gone whistling off into La-La land. Are there even any ordinary members of the public watching in that audience now, or is it just ex-soap stars and radio hosts?
Meanwhile, Bruceh is frantically ta-ra-ra-boom-deh-ah-ing like there's no tomorrow and Tess is turning into a peroxide Cilla Black all in an attempt to distract us from the fact that most of the personality has been squeezed from the show.
And what to make of Luvvie Lisa and her hissy fits? "Our sis-taaah is going frew HELL!" stomped Lisa's siblings. "Emotionally, it's unbelievable for her" chimed in her dad. Meanwhile we get to see yet ANOTHER close-up of weepy Lisa, wiping away whole ink-cartridges of mascara because "the public don't like me!" Gee, I wonder why.

Silksy should have stayed!

2008-11-26T23:27:00.001-08:00

So East Midlands MEP Robert Kilroy-Silk became the first to be voted out of the jungle in I'm a Celebrity last night.
And it was pretty obvious to everyone he didn't deserve to go.
He was merely the victim of an unfortunate set of circumstances.
First, having initially been cast as the villain of the piece (and getting shed loads of lovely camera attention because of it), his "crown" was somewhat stolen with the arrival of the marvellous David Van Day.
The ex-Dollar singer has done nothing but sulk, argue, and generally stir up masses of trouble. In other words, he's turned what was set to be a bit of a boring series into an instant classic.
No wonder Silksy retreated into the background and left the pint sized porker to it.
The other thing that did for Kilroy was the insane idea to introduce those awful "immunity" trials.
It was criminal that many of the boring characters - like Carly "Who?" Zucker and Thingy from Blue - were saved from the vote.
Maybe one of them would have gone instead of Robert.
We'll never know.
But let this be a lesson to the show's producers: don't muck about with the formula.
Put your celebrities in. Let the viewers vote them out. End of.
And while you're at it, do something about those bushtucker trials. They aren't half dull this year...
Oh yes and another thing. DVD to win!

Strictly - The Sergeant Scandal

2008-11-19T04:42:00.001-08:00

An absolute scandal. That’s what it is.
“Dancing pig”. “A dancing dis-arse-ter”. How are you supposed to carry on blithely with such comments ringing in your ears?
The fact beaming John Sergeant has managed to appear onscreen each Saturday sporting a smile above the spangles – and, in the process, brought a national feelgood factor unseen since Jonathan Ross took three months’ leave - is testament alone to his strength of personality.
The four Strictly judges should hang their heads in shame. They’ve driven the people’s choice out of the competition.
Their tactless championing of fancy footwork over feelgood frippery has cast a huge cloud over what is – no matter what anybody says – an ENTERTAINMENT show.
John says he feels forced to step down because there’s now a real danger he might win the show. So what? His performances are often more entertaining than some of his self-regarding rivals’ combined.
Besides, no matter what the judges said John COULD dance and we could see it. Perhaps he wasn’t so technically brilliant as Luvvie Lisa Snowdon and co but the vicious criticism and lowly marks he received were wholly unjust and prompted his massive popularity.
For the past few series, Strictly’s voting viewers and po-faced judges (who decide, between them, who goes) have been locked in an arm wrestle. There have even been rule changes to suit Craig, Arlene, Len and Bruno, with rumours of more next year.
Matters came to a head in the case of John. The meaner they were, the more we loved him. He was even blamed for good dancers falling by the wayside… but surely his continued presence only gave them a week’s grace, at best?
It’s purely the presence of ordinary Joe dancers like John that keep millions tuning in – and voting - week after week. In fact, could the BBC please offer us a refund on the cash we spent supporting him?
If Strictly were just about the “darnce”… like its predecessor Come Dancing, most of us would waltz off to the X Factor. Now John’s gone… well, we may do just that.

Kilroy the Cheat...

2008-11-19T00:25:00.001-08:00

So, it was Robert Kilroy-Silk’s first bushtucker trial in the I’m a Celeb jungle - and what a cheating rat bag he turned out to be.

In a frankly rubbish task, he claimed some of the keys for the padlocks holding him in chains in the scary dark chamber “weren’t working” properly.

So when he popped open the lid and announced:"I've won!"- Ant and Dec had to point out that the reason he couldn’t get out was because he hadn’t opened the final lock correctly.

And he had to go back inside until he’d undone it properly.

Ha!

Course, by this time, rival Joe Swash had won the posh nosh for his team mates in “Camp Camp.”

Kilroy wasn’t happy.

But then how can you hope to compete with someone who has “protected and loved from above” written on his bum?

The trial was actually far less interesting than the other stuff happening on the show - especially now the two teams have become one and two new celebs are set to come in.

So far, George looks like he’s having a ball, Brian and Dani have both turned out to be proper stirrers and Esther is just lovely.

Joe is emerging as the life and soul of the party, while Martina seems to be sinking fast - she’ll have to get her act together if she’s going to make any kind of impact.

Can't really remember the others, they're so dull. And as for our resident villain Kilroy, he’ll have the chance to prove himself again as the public has chosen him to do the silly “Travolting” dance thing.

Unfortunately, some dimwit at ITV has decided we won’t see this spectacle tonight because the football is on instead. Grrr.

Still, we can always entertain ourselves by singing songs, like the ones Joe loves.

Altogether now: “Olly, olly, olly...”

Joe's a true gag man...

2008-11-18T00:42:00.000-08:00

It looks like Joe Swash is in danger of becoming this year’s serial bushtucker trial taker out in the I’m a Celeb jungle.

After many years of playing dull old Mickey Miller in Easties, who knew the squeaky voiced cockney could be so brilliantly entertaining under duress?

If he keeps this up, none of the other contestants are going to get a look in.

Last night, it was the familiar old “bug eating” trial - coming surprisingly early in this year’s series.

And Joe vs world famous internationally renowned, honest, glamour model Nicola did not disappoint.

Surely she’d been practicing beforehand though? How else do you explain the confident way she ate those live crickets?

Joe on the other hand was a total wreck. Loved the way he kept apologising for his “gagging reflex.” Ant and Dec nearly wet themselves.

Elsewhere, gay police chief Brian Paddick clashed briefly with East Midlands MEP Robert Kilroy-Silk.

The former had “won” a visit to see what life was like in grotty old Away Camp.

Kilroy welcomed him by telling him to "clear off"- although the big smirk on his face hinted he might have been, you know, joshing.

Poor Brian was not amused though - arriving back in his own camp to tell his mates how horrid the nasty orange man was to him and how he nearly cried he was so scared. Bless.

The sooner they dispense with the silly “split teams” and get these two together permanently, the better.

Strictly blog - Cherie departs

2008-11-17T00:23:00.000-08:00

Well, what an absolute blimmin' scandal!

No, not John Sergeant's continued survival, against all odds.

But the judges' shocking decision to part with the balletic grande dame of ballroom Cherie in the dance-off.

Instead, three of the four plumped for Lisa "George Clooney's girlfriend? REALLY?" Snowdon and her dance partner Brendan "petulant twit" Cole.

And those four claim to know about dancing. Last night, it was only the normally mad-as-cheese Bruno who made any sense, voting to keep Cherie.

It's insipid performances of the kind Lisa churns out week after week that are responsible for John's popularity. At least he has charm and a bit of personality. There's not a glimpse of the prima donna about him.

Likewise Cherie whose cha-cha may not have been up to the pristine standard of her ballroom but was, nevertheless, jaw-droppingly age-defying. She WAS our favourite to win.

Who are we supposed to support now, we'd like to know? Smug Tom? Automaton Austin? Can the lovely Jodie and Christine improve enough? Or, perish the thought, will it be Lisa? A drama queen for a dancing queen? No, ta. We'd opt for John "stamper" Sergeant any day.

And they're off...

2008-11-16T14:31:00.000-08:00

Oonagh Robinson on the first episode of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here 2008...

So here we go then. The battle to find out which z-list celebrity will emerge victorious in the jungle (and, more importantly, go on to appear in the next set of Iceland adverts) is on.

Good news on one front, at least. I'd actually heard of fully seven out of the ten stars selected to appear this year - which must be something of a record with this kind of show.

I'm never that happy when they do the old "splitting the camp in two" routine as I just think it's a shame that potential sparring partners are separated.

Still, it is rather amusing when the same team keeps losing all the time.

Yes, the red team were focused, chatty and had obviously bonded before they'd even jumped out of that aeroplane.

The yellow team, on the other hand, had Robert Kilroy-Silk in it.

Great to know that our own dear old MEP will at last be doing something worthwhile for his constituents - making a complete pillock of himself for our entertainment for the next three weeks. Probably less, thinking about it. We give it about 24 hours before one of his team mates punches him for his constant bitchy comments.

Can't say I'm particularly looking forward to the boring glamour model vs Micky Miller from EastEnders in tomorrow's trial. Who votes in these things? Own up.

But here's my take on the characters so far:

Yellow Team:

Robert Kilroy-Silk - He wants to show the world he is kind, loving and compassionate. He is failing.

Esther Rantzen - The TV presenter will need to show a feistier side if she wants to avoid the "little old lady" label.

Carly Zucker - She's the fiancee of Joe Cole. I'd never heard of him either. Kilroy thinks she's a control freak, but she just seems very dull to me.

Simon Webbe - He's worried his shyness could be taken as arrogance, but he seems nice. Boringly nice.

Nicola Mclean - The glamour model did precisely nothing in the first episode, so I'm very bemused as to why she is up for the first trial. Fix, fix, fix.

Red Team:

Joe Swash - He was rather amusing in a kind of Dean Gaffney manner in that first trial. Could be a stayer.

Martina Navratilova - She thinks she's the greatest tennis player that ever was and appears to be having a great time so far. I find her irritating.

Brian Paddick - The gay policeman wants to show his butch side - but he looks like he's going to faint at virtually every moment.

Dani Behr - The bird from The Word comes across as one of those girls at school who always wins at sport. Grrr.

George Takei - If the marvellous Sulu doesn't win, I'll demand a public inquiry.

And finally:

Ant and Dec - On top form, as ever. No-one would watch it if it wasn't for them would they?

So... what did you reckon? Have your say on the Telly Talk blog!

Strictly - why Serge should stay

2008-11-11T01:56:00.000-08:00

WELL the British public may be receiving a collective nul points from the Strictly judges for their propensity for Sergeant-voting.But we ask you – who else are we meant to vote for?A lot of the other dancers might be very nice people (Jodie and Christine, in particular) and, without exception, are better dancers than the dashing white Sergeant.But they’re all much-of-a-muchness, really. They’re all “doing their best”. They’re all on a “rollercoaster ride”. None of them want to leave yet.Don’t get us wrong – we’d like one of them to win. We’re just not sure which one. Will it be the balletic Cherie who is immaculately graceful but, if she’s forced to go quicker than a foxtrot, forgets all the steps? Or Rachel Stevens who remembers the steps but performs them all with a slightly pained expression on her face? (Incidentally, is it just us, or are Rachel’s brothers, in fact, the Mitchell brothers?) Austin or Tom, who have the dancing flair but seem just a tad too pleased with themselves? (Austin’s chest-flashing for points on Saturday was shameless!) Or luvvie Lisa with her air-kisses, twirling to Brendan’s soft-rock routines? We hope not!John may be more ha-ha-ha than cha cha cha but at least he has a distinct presence and connects with voting viewers. Enough to make you pick up your phone and keep him for another week. Even this week’s evictee Heather wants to see him in the final.Saturday was a stroll in the park for John. We don’t mean he found it easy. We mean it actually looked like he was just strolling around. There were hardly any dance steps in the thing.But it’s hilarious to watch. Strictly may be a “darnce” competition, as Craig calls it. But it’s also Saturday night entertainment. Until John’s rivals cotton on to that, he’s going to continue to skirt above the dance-off and, potentially, a place in the final awaits.

Soapsuds

2008-11-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

More surprises on EASTENDERS this week as it was revealed Ian’s cafe actually has a toilet.
Are we alone in never having noticed these facilities in the entire 23-year history of this soap?
And yet suddenly, there they were plain as day. They even have dual male/female usage. Fancy that.
Ian was cross because his loos were being used by the zillions of police that have descended on Albert Square because of that hit and run accident with dear old Max.
We were quite surprised about that too.
Not Ian being cross. Or the hit and run. But all the police that turned up just for a boring old "attempted murder."
We all know that Walford has played host to much worse crimes than Max’s hit and run over the years. And yet we never saw such vast numbers of police show up to investigate those, did we?
Perhaps after all these decades, the filth have finally started wondering about why such a teeny tiny section of London should be at the centre of so many murders, deaths, rapes, brutal attacks, explosions, arsons, fairground accidents (can’t forget that one, tee hee) and blackmail attempts.
Maybe there will now be an "Operation Queen Vic" to sort out this suspicious vicinity once and for all.
And some of the leading "culprits" could be hauled in for a thorough grilling.
You know the reprobates we mean... Dot... Pat... Peggy... Winston the Market Trader...
Let’s clean up this area once and for all.

Now we know Roy’s Rolls in Corrie does have a toilet because he’s so insistent about keeping it clean. You could probably eat your bacon butties off that seat, although we don’t imagine Sally Webster would relish the attempt. In fact, Sally probably never allows the words "bacon butties" to cross her lips at all. Pancetta sandwiches, if you please.
So Sally would be devastated to see the state her Rawsie’s been reduced to, in the attic at John Stape’s gran’s house. Rawsie, however, has managed to rise above five weeks of unwashed hair and severe lipgloss shortages to become a cool, chairleg-wielding type with Tombraider heavy-breathing. For the first time in years, we quite liked her.
We also finally started to take to Stape, in his final throes with his hilarious explanations to his gobsmacked girlfriend about why he had an obnoxious 16-year-old locked upstairs, very much against her will.
"It’s very comfortable up there," he protested to Fiz who, very reasonably, wanted to know why he hadn’t mentioned something before.
The whole explanation took hours, making us feel very sorry for that elderly couple outside, locked in a taxi on their anniversary.
"It’s not easy," he said, "when you’ve got someone locked in your gran’s attic."
Quite.

2008-11-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

Most confusing greeting of the week:

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I used to be John Pertwee – Former "Doctor" Tom Baker delivers his greetings on Have I Got News For You (BBC1, Fri).

Strictly - Castle falls

2008-11-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

It seemed a shame Andrew Castle had to leave Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1, Sun)– particularly since Bumgate had finally been sorted.
"The bum is better. Obviously there are a few lumps and bumps but, overall, very nice," Craig Revel Horwood informed him with his usual diplomacy.
We were just starting to warm to the orange breakfast host with the immovable bouffant when he got evicted.
If it had been up to us to pick an evictee, we’d have chosen Tom and his ridiculous Desperate Dan chin-thrusts during the Paso. Well, that’s Holby City acting for you.
How could the judges prefer that cheesy rubbish to Jodie and Ian’s serene Pride and Prejudice waltz?

Rock on
Say what you like about Northern Rock. They had customers queuing around the block – Rory Bremner on Silly Money (Channel 4, Sunday).

Top Gear? It never gets out of first gear

2008-11-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

We tuned into Top Gear (BBC2, Sun) for the first time ever this week.
Talk about perfect timing!
Jeremy Clarkson’s joke about lorry drivers murdering prostitutes has become the latest must-have thing for viewers to be very offended about, apparently.
Although, we have to confess, when we watched the show we weren’t outraged or offended in the slightest.
Baffled, yes. At what the heck the aging buffoon was on about.
But not offended.
And certainly not moved enough to go finding the number for the BBC... or is it Ofcom?... or Crimewatch? Indeed, how does everyone in the world seem to know who to ring in such circumstances? We wouldn’t have a blinking clue.
Anyway, back to our review.
Everyone has been telling us how great Top Gear is and how you don’t need to be interested in cars and you don’t even need to be a bloke to watch it these days.
So we tuned in eagerly expecting our sides to split with mirth. Didn’t quite work out, unfortunately.
Most of the show is filmed in some disused aircraft hangar in the middle of nowhere.
And an audience of fans is evidently shipped in every week to stand around looking like plonkers staring at Clarkson and his mates talking about cars.
You can tell Clarkson knows a lot about cars because he pronounces Volkswagen "Vokes Vaggon." Impressive.
And he tests drives Lamborghinis that cost half a million quid. So he must be good.
Trouble is, most of this particular episode was spent watching Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May mucking about with lorries.
Racing them. Crashing them into walls. Seeing if they could set them on fire. You know, really important things like that.
For a minute, we thought we’d tuned into the wrong show and were actually watching the three old geezers in Last of the Summer Wine getting up to their usual comic capers.
Is that all they do in this show then? Is that what all the fuss is about?
To be honest, we found the whole pathetic routine very embarrassing.
Maybe we should ring someone up to complain on the presenters’ behalf...

Wonderment of the week:
How many bars of Fruit and Nut would fit into the boot of a Skoda Fabia?
Maybe Clarkson and co should try that one. Norris keeps us entertained with his musings on Coronation Street.

Oddest explanation:
"The teacher in me just took over..."
John Stape from Coronation Street struggles with a plausible explanation for kidnapping Rosie Webster and holding her hostage in his granny’s attic for five weeks.

D'oh of the week:
"Stop sending me messages about the weather, I’m trying to work."
An irritable wireless operator onboard The Titanic annoys counterparts on nearby ship The Californian with a rude message. So much so, the other ship - which was just two hours away - turned its equipment off for the night. Oops.
The Unsinkable Titanic (C4, Mon)

Ze Restaurant - the final

2008-10-30T02:03:00.000-07:00

Well, what an utter travesty. Put-upon Russell and the inane smiley woman? You want to “urpen a restaurant wiz them” Raymond? REALLY?
The whole of last night’s programme – nay the whole series – seemed edited to get us onside with James and Alastair as everything on their Orient Express task went tickety-boo, apart from some exceptional fusspots objecting to being served an overcooked lobster thermidor (look, at least they spelled it right!)
We’ve been with them on the lows (various hospital emergencies, scaloops) and the highs (impeccable Orient Express service). Only for Raymond to inform us at the last they’d lost out to the Not Terribly Cheerful Souls.
As we’d thought, we spent most of last night wanting to smack Michele. Murder on the Orient Express? We wish!
Michele: “Russell, Russell. I’ve bought these gifts and I’m not sure which paper to wrap them in. Should I choose black-and-white or tissue paper? I just don’t want it to look too girly!”
Russell (through gritted teeth, up to his eyeballs in grapefruit): “Haven’t really got time for this now dear”.
Michele (on board the train): “Russell, Russell, I seem to have left the musicians at Victoria Station.”
Russell: (through gritted teeth, smashing biscuits against walls) “You’ve done WHAT love?”
Russell, meanwhile, seemed to have designed his menu especially so Michele could fling it over passengers. Champagne? Soup? Melted sorbet? Coming right at you! The only thing that didn’t fly in the poor diners’ direction was red wine, for the simple reason Michele hadn’t thought it necessary to bring any. Perhaps she’d thought the musicians could enjoy it on the station platform.
Yes, James and Alastair’s food probably wasn’t up to its normal standards. But they did, at least, work as a team.
Was it just our imagination or were they holding hands under the table as Raymond announced his verdict on who would be his new business partners?
Sadly, it wasn’t to be. We give Russell and Michele’s restaurant five months. Five months, that is, before he snaps and goes for her with a roll of wrapping paper. Or tissue paper. Something not too girly.
“It’s been a rollercoaster ride,” Russell said, in conclusion. A rollercoaster ride? On a reality show? Oh, you don’t say!

Corrie - death of Liam

2008-10-28T06:46:00.000-07:00

IT was dress-down-Monday in CORONATION STREET as the whole cast popped on a dressing gown so they could contemplate Liam’s death.
And, in fairness, there was a lot to come to terms with. Such as the fact Tony’s never-ending stag do had finally, well, ended.
At one stage, it looked as if it was going to rumble on and on, with Deeeeev, Steve and all these other people Tony’s never spoken to in his life stumbling up and down Dean Street for eternity. As for Liam’s Top Gear death stunt – well, it was all a bit daft, wasn’t it? Corrie’s attempts to portray Liam and Carla as star-cross’d lovers, complete with their own Italian operatic soundtrack, were equally risible. We’ve seen more heat generated by Rita and Norris.
Just as ridiculous is teen kidnapper John Stape’s new status as the Websters’ trusted friend and confidante. Seriously, Sally and Kevin – you need to ask Gail Platt about parenting courses. After having watched Stape get it away with one teenage daughter, now missing, Sally’s brainwave was send him to collect other one up from school. We’re not surprised Sawphie’s sending postcards as a cry for help. She should be sending them to social services.
And, of course, Stape has Rawsie locked up in his nan’s attic. Such a useless character is he, he’s even making a hash of that. We were expecting to see Rawsie gagged and bound – instead he’s trying to engage her in little chit-chats about Jaffa Cakes. Quite rightly, Rawsie doesn’t seem particularly worried by her predicament. Instead of screaming for help, the only thing Corrie’s answer to Veruca Salt has wailed so far is: "I WANT HEAT MAGAZINE".

Do we like Gok? Not a lot

2008-10-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

There are many things in this life we do not really understand...
Quantum physics... the lyrics to Whiter Shade of Pale... the strange layout of Debenhams in Nottingham...
But possibly the thing we understand least of all at the moment is the nation’s love of Gok Wan.
Maybe it’s the silly glasses, or that annoying uppy downy voice. Or possibly it’s just his obsession with getting women to take all their clothes off.
But while everyone else we meet seems to think he is some kind of fabulous force for empowering women, we are obviously alone in considering him a total idiot.
He was up to his old tricks again this week in Miss Naked Beauty (C4, Tues) - a contest to find a real "natural" beauty queen.
The eventual winner will, hopes Gok, become a role model to show Britain that you can be beautiful whatever you look like. Hmm.
Because Saint Gok was involved, obviously millions of women of all ages, shapes and sizes queued up to audition.
In the end, they were whittled down to about 25 - who were promptly herded into a disused swimming pool and drenched with a fire hose. Charming.
It was all to get the contestants to stop wearing make up or something, we’re not quite sure.
Anyway, inevitably, this ridiculous show was co-hosted by the ubiquitous Myleene Klass.
"What you’ve just done is amazing," she told one tearful woman who was not surprisingly very upset after the humiliating dousing. "You’re incredible."
Later Myleene dragged another woman to a mirror.
"It’s been years since you’ve seen yourself without make-up hasn’t it?" she counseled.
What really? What about before she puts her make-up on in the morning? Surely she sees herself with no make-up on then? Myleene, you’re an idiot aren’t you?
And now you mention it, why was Myleene allowed to wear make-up for this show ? And the women on the judging panel? And Gok?
It’s double standards, we tell you.
Perhaps the most telling thing about this supposed "revolution" for the UK beauty world was the 12 finalists who were picked to go on to the next round.
All were very young, very slim and very pretty.
Harrumph.

Fern Britton

2008-10-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Good sport of the week:
In the middle of our worst financial crisis for 80 years, we’re going to have to tighten our belts. Not a problem for me of course! – delectable host Fern Britton on Have I Got News For You (BBC1, Fri)

2008-10-28T06:32:00.001-07:00

Most welcome put-down of the week:
– I always think it makes you feel like a princess, eating flowers
– That’s funny, because when I eat flowers, it makes me feel like a really hungry tramp
The fantabulous Harry Hill sticks a welcome pin in the bubbles of twee spouted by Cheerful Soul Michelle in The Restaurant (ITV, Sat).

Enough with the travelogues

2008-10-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

Can we just say that thanks very much and everything, but we have now seen quite enough travel shows involving middle aged men going on fabulous extended holidays abroad on our behalf.
Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Griff Rhys Jones, that bloke who does the Amazon thing - we’re talking about YOU.

Ze Restaurant - who will win?

2008-10-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

So who’s going to win ze grand final of Ze Restaurant tomorrow night? Will it be Fawlty Towers duo James and Ally with their catalogue of “catastrophes” and their scal-oops?

Or will it be Cheerful Soul Michelle with her not terribly cheerful flouncing (“tell ‘im to stuff it!”) and poor put-upon Russell?

We actually have a sneaky feeling that, against all odds, it might be James and Alasdair.

After surviving restaurant “clur-sure” so many times, we’re starting to think old Raymond has a soft spot for them.

It’s true they never make the same mistake twice (although they manage to find a whole new array of idiocies to explore each week). And yes, they urgently need training in management, business and spelling.

But we’d go and eat there, just for the spectacle (background shouts of “DON’T TOUCH THAT” and “GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN” plus the constant worry of whether we’d actually get cutlery would make it quite an experience).

On the other hand, you’d have to drag us kicking and screaming by the hair to a table at the Cheerful Soul. We don’t care how tasty Russell’s risottos are. We’d be overwhelmed by the urge to biff his glassy-eyed grinning loon of a wife.

Peter Kay on Britain's Got the Pop Factor...

2008-10-22T01:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday was Peter Kay night on Channel 4.
This involved a pointless hour of all the jokes you’ve already seen on the DVDs and some sub-standard behind-the-scenes malarkeying.
Luckily, the rest of the evening consisted of a giant all-night spoof of the X Factor called Britain’s Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice.
We sat down to watch this with slight trepidation – despite the all-star cast Kay had assembled (Sir Paul McCartney, "Dr" Neil Fox, Nicki Chapman, Pete Waterman, Cat Deeley, Shelley off Corrie...)
After all, the X Factor practically spoofs itself now. How funny could this be?
The answer, we soon found, was oh rather.
The only tedious bit was the singing, which meant the jokes had to stop (although we did love Kay’s Home And Away duet).
First we saw the auditionees who included a pensioners version of the Sugababes who got rather narked when they weren’t picked to go through ("You’re looking at 200 years of talent here!"), a man who couldn’t get a dog to jump through a hoop (after looking at it closely, he revealed: "I’ve brought the wrong dog") and, best of all, a man who was dressed as Freddie Mercury down one side and Monserrat Caballe down the other swivelling from side to side to perform a Barcelona "duet". Better than garlic bread, that.
Eventually they were narrowed down to three finalists:
R Wayne (the Geordie version of R Kelly) "The Lark of Tyneside" who faced being booted off because his "story" wasn’t sad enough – then, luckily, his nan died
Two Up Two Down (a husband and wife quartet, two of whom were in wheelchairs.) Yes, taste flew out the window – but doesn’t it in the X Factor?
Geraldine, an Irish transexual who eventually won.
"People have been really supportive," she said, "which is funny because before this competition, they wouldn’t have p***ed on me if I was on fire. And now I believe they would."
Sadly, she was last seen choking to death on ticker tape while performing her winning ballad. "Is there a doctor in the house?" cried a panic-stricken Pete Waterman. "I’m a doctor!" shouted Dr Fox, leapfrogging over the judges’ desk. Brilliant.
We didn’t do any American history at our school. European history, yes. British history, kind of. The industrial revolution? Only 79,000 times.
But the Americans? The most powerful nation on the earth? Nope, we’ve no idea how they came to be there.
So Simon Schama (BBC2, Friday) has a mammoth task on his hands in his new series as he educates ignorant Brits prior to the US elections which, you may have heard, are taking place next month.
We do like Schama. He’s not ubiquitous, obsessed by his own celebrity.
He only goes near the gogglebox when he has something to say.
That said, there is A LOT of history to cram into four episodes, so Schama always seemed in a bit of a rush.
There’s also a tendency on British TV to belittle the Yanks and this show does occasionally fall into that trap.
This week’s "theme", for example, was the environment and Schama tut-tutted about America’s hoovering of natural resources.
"Are the Americans good at adjusting?" Schama asked two farmers, at the end.
"Not really." they admitted, before coming right back at him with "Are you? How are the Englishmen then, Simon? Bingo!" Lots of laughter.
As Schama concluded: "While American resources are in short supply, its resourcefulness is not."
A fact you can’t help but admire them for.

Comedy high of the week:

Harry and Paul’s Royal Henley Northerner Show, 2008 (BBC1).

Comedy low of the week:

Stephen Fry on Buzzcocks (BBC2). Individually, hilarious. Together, they just didn’t work.

Soapsuds - death of Liam

2008-10-22T00:56:00.000-07:00

Corrie
Poor, poor Liam Connor.
Not only did he get bumped off at the hands of the evil boggle-eyed Tone, he had to spend his last moments dressed in head-to-toe tartan, face-paint and a Tony Gordon mask.
What a way to go.
But then, perhaps Liam deserved to suffer.
For this week’s Corrie is one of the poorest run of episodes we’ve seen in ages. The storyline dragged on for loooooonger than a Deeeeev Alahan sentence, while Carla and Liam’s big break-up scene with an Italian opera backing track, was just laughable.
Liam, meanwhile, has spent most of the past month running around topless. Not a sight we object to, let’s be clear. But we’re just surprised he didn’t finally expire of pneumonia.
We’re not sure if Corrie was just trying to distract us from their other big storyline – John Stape’s cat.
But no, we’re on to them.
Anyone else reckon that moggie might just answer to the name of Rawsie?
Elsewhere, in Emmerdale, goings-on were equally ludicrous. But then, that’s Emmerdale.
While Bob plotted how to break into prison (don’t ask, we wouldn’t know where to start), Diane was wondering "how such a lovely little boy turned into a wifebeater".
The lovely little boy in question, in case you’re wondering, was lumpy-faced Andeh who has been thwacking Jaw.
Yes, Diane was probably reflecting on Andeh’s halcyon days of setting barns on fire and accidentally torching his stepmum to death. Or shooting his dad. Or impregnating local Dingle girls. Bless ‘im.
Andeh is yet another of those Emmerdale characters whose entire personality varies according to plotline. We’re getting a bit fed-up with it now.
Any chance anyone could set Tony Gordon on to him?

Strictly Boys v Girls

2008-10-20T07:19:00.000-07:00

What precisely does GMTV’s Andrew Castle have to do to get himself into the dance-off?

The breakfast boy with the bouffant came out, clodhopped around the floor for a bit, then nearly dropped his partner, the delectable Ola, from a great height at the climax of his American Smooth.

But instead of receiving a similarly unceremonious dumping by the viewers, Andrew was allowed a stay of execution and it was Don who got the chop. Poor Don – always a gent but he never lent the show much in terms of personality or dancing ability really, did he?

And at least John Dancer Sergeant skipped free of the drop-zone, his “promenade in the park” smiley samba displeasing the judges but not the public. We’re hoping he gets the paso next week – although we think his "bit of bully" impersonation might be a little more along these lines…

Strictly - tearful Jessie departs

2008-10-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

WE thought it was a bit of a sneaky move by the Beeb on Saturday – showing Strictly at an unfeasibly early hour so Merlin didn’t clash with the footie on ITV1.

But, we must admit, if you were looking for fabulous footwork, Cherie Lunghi and Rachel Stevens beat Ashley Cole and Gareth Barry hands down (or should that be toes?)

Overall, we felt the standard of the girls fell a little flat this week, with the exception of Cherie and Rachel. The big build-up to when men and ladies compete together seems to have gone on for far too long.

We felt very sorry for this week’s leaver Jessie Wallace – mainly because Bruce still can’t get her name right (Jenny? Jelly? Jessie?), Grumpy Len’s tactless remarks about her bosom, and the fact somebody in the wardrobe department clearly has it in for her. What WAS that pink thing?!

And even Jessie at her most stumbling is a thousand times better than some of the boys.

However, we were glad to see Jodie stay another week. She and Ian look lovely together, don’t they? Makes you wish they were an item...

So who should have gone? Well, either Lampard or Gerrard. Sorry, you mean the dancing? Haven’t got a clue.

Soapsuds

2008-10-13T01:23:00.001-07:00

Corrie

YOU’VE got Tony, I’ve got Maria," hissed Liam at Carla on CORRIE this week.
It’s a shame we’re not casting for West Side Story then, isn’t it?
Although probably boggle-eyed Tone and twirly airhead Maria wouldn’t be our first choice as star-cross’d leads.
Liam would probably get a look-in, though, and indeed he is set for a tragic end next week. We’re a little bit cross about this. Couldn’t they have left the door open for a Liam comeback rather than executing another Connor? Michelle must be getting worried.
Anyway, there’ll be no more Malaria (as Tony refers to the amalgamation of "Liam" and "Maria") as from next week.
Poor old Liam. If Andy Sugden, over on EMMERDALE, can survive getting impaled, surely Liam could survive whatever Tony has in store for him?

Soapsuds

2008-10-13T01:19:00.000-07:00

Easties

That was an odd reaction from Dot the other day when Bradley rather nicely bought her a new cooker in EASTENDERS.
Imagine it. If you came home and found one of your relatives installing a fancy new cooker to replace your broken one, wouldn’t this be something you’d be quite interested in?
Call us old-fashioned, we even think you might be pleased.
Not Dot though.
She did question what Bradley was doing, but seemed more irritated than grateful.
And after scalding him for wasting his hard earned cash on such a frivolous item (hmm, they don’t seem to be very big on modern appliances in Albert Square, which is why no-one has a washing machine either), she changed the subject and walked out of the room.
Without even staying to see what the new cooker looked like. Or what brand it was. Or whether it worked.
She was a lot more interested, though, in the replacement Moggy Minor Bradley went on to buy. And the iPod.
There was even an all too brief scene where Dot was shown walking through a leafy Albert Square as Andy Williams sang Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.
We found this quite enjoyable and were rather disappointed when it ended so abruptly.
But it made us think - what was the point of that then?
Indeed, it made us think - what IS the point of Dot at all these days.
Without the marvellous Jim, she’s nothing. Not funny, not tragic, not convincing at all.
So thank goodness for the news we’ve heard on the grapevine this week.
Yep. The nation’s favourite badly acted baddie Nick Cotton is coming back. Maybe there will be a point to Dot soon after all.

2008-10-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

- "Because it’s live TV, I’m just hoping she can produce her breast."

- "My breast?!"

- "Best! I meant best!"

Ian Waite and celeb dance partner Jodie Kidd bare all on Strictly: It Takes Two (BBC2)

2008-10-09T07:07:00.001-07:00

Goethe had an interesting theory...

Who’s Gertie?

Why we love Roy and Becky on Corrie (ITV1, Wed)

Ze Restaurant - life's no picnic

2008-10-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

So can anyone explain to us why so many people want to run a restaurant when they can’t actually cook?Raymond sure doesn’t seem to know. In fact, so despairing was he about all the terrible twosomes who remain in The Restaurant (BBC2, Wed), he refused, in a fit of pique, to give anyone his “Restaurant of the Week” award. And frankly, we can’t blame him.This week’s test meant the couples had to offer a take-away menu, alongside their normal service. Between them, they offered a delicious concoction of 14-hour-old sarnies (yum), something called clangers (puff pastry containing jam and mince) and oven chips. To complete the picture, there was the Chinese bloke who can’t cook Chinese and the English woman who can’t cook English food and gets mighty offended if anyone implies otherwise.Not surprisingly, none of the regatta-goers with their caviar and champagne really fancied purchasing a box of shriveled-looking sarnies.As the Restaurant stepped up its spooky, “Harry Potter” soundtrack, we couldn’t guess who might be going in “ze shallange”. They all deserved it.In the end, Rah-mond spared Lindsie and Tim. We were glad of that. Poor old Linz had already been through the works, thanks to that shouty, sweary tool who refused to pay for his food. And he didn’t even stay to sample the delights of a clanger. He wants to count himself lucky he wasn’t dining in one of the other restaurants. They REALLY can’t cook.The only other couple to stay out of “ze shallange” were smiley, happy cuddle-bunnies Russell and Michele. Word to the wise... we reckon Raymond wouldn’t mind “urpening a restaurant” with them. If they do triumph, we’ll be steering well clear of their eatery – they’re so irritating. But then, maybe we just don’t have cheerful souls.

It never rains, but it pours - on Sunshine

2008-10-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

It was hardly a laugh-a-minute, Steve Coogan’s new comedy-drama Sunshine (BBC1, Tues).
In fact, after an hour of watching this tale of a feckless northern gambling addict and his long suffering family, we were just about ready to top ourselves.
Course, it had its amusing moments - well, one at least that we can think of, actually.
The scene where our hero Bob “Bing” Crosby tried to quietly eavesdrop on a punter’s supposed betting tip - while he was sitting on the loo having a rather noisy dump.
Nothing like a bit of toilet humour to lighten our mood.
But, generally speaking, you’d have more belly laughs watching an average episode of Coronation Street than you would this.
Penned by Craig Cash and Phil Mealey (who also appeared - albeit rather unconvincingly - as Bing’s binmen workmates), this opener did have some promising moments.
We particularly loved the great Bernard Hill as good old Grandad Crosby - funny, warm hearted and just generally a very nice bloke.
But even he looks like he’s in for some awful catastrophe soon. All those dizzy spells. Oh ’eck.
At the end of the programme, we left Bing a broken man having been the victim of a rather daft betting shop scam.
He’s lost the family’s “Disney” money. His wife knows he’s been at the savings tin and is probably about to chuck him out. And his lovely dad is probably going to cop it soon.
Don’t know about you, but we can’t WAIT to tune in for next week’s hilarious escapades...

Alright Serge... why we want John to win

2008-10-06T01:48:00.001-07:00

Strictly night… and the thing we were most looking forward to was John Sergeant’s (or was it Jo Brand’s?) tango – and the twinkle-toed tubster didn’t disappoint.
Sultry. Raunchy. Impassioned. John’s tango was none of those things. Instead he capered around the room with a broad Cheshire cat grin on his face. “It had all the characteristics people associate with me,” he beamed, at the end. “Passion. Rhythm. And raw sexuality!”
Well, perhaps not. But, as Bonzo Tortellini said: “Eet worked!”
I don’t know a single Strictly watcher who doesn’t adore John. He's what Strictly is all about.

In recent years, the show has focused boringly on ex-pop starlets performing "a different kind of dancing" (yeah, right) with clinical, lacklustre brilliance. But surely it's people like Serge, rotund golden oldies flinging themselves wholeheartedly into jives and rumbas, that give Strictly its entertainment value?

Never mind slinky Rachel Stevens or muscle-bound hunk Austin Healey. Surely it has to be John in that final?
As for charmless chef Gary Rhodes… well, he’s no loss, really. He had none of the charisma we’ve come to expect from a dancing dunce. The only shame is that, next week, another girl is going to have to go. Don’t suppose it could be Lisa Snowdon, could it? That way, we’d get shot of Brendan at the same time.

Ze Restaurant – I’ll take that on board

2008-10-03T07:59:00.001-07:00

It took us the usual twenty minutes to work out what on earth the contestants on The Restaurant were supposed to be doing in “ze shall-ange” this week.

Rah-mond was there, in his foxy suit, and we could pluck the odd phrase from his French burble “eef you are successfool”, for example. We’re not sure precisely what a “success-fool” is but we reckon there are some on this programme.

Anyway, we needed nice voiceover woman to inform us that, this week, the contestants had to make and serve delicious airline food to a variety of high-profile guests. And Sarah Willingham. Who? Sarah Willingham. She’s one of the judges but, apparently, quite easy to overlook. Two teams completely forgot to give her her dinner.

Tim and Lindsay, as we expected, were immense and promptly became best-buds with their cooking partners, Steve and Helen. We reckon they’ll all start going on holiday together once the series is over.

Not surprisingly, the teams that struggled were the ones that can’t really cook much. The Welsh Wok-ites struggled because Peter the Chinese bloke STILL can’t manage to cook rice.

But it was the endearing Northern Dimwits who departed. Fair enough – what they dished up in the name of “Lancashire hot-pot” looked more like it belonged in a chamber pot.

“We’ve lost out to a Chinese man who can’t cook rice,” sighed Dimwit 1 (Chris). True. But better than being an English man who can’t cook ANYTHING.

Ze Restaurant - you 'ave to leesten verray carefully

2008-10-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

Well, we felt very sorry for Tim and Lindsay getting “poot in ze shallarnge” (that’s “put in the challenge” for those of you not attuned to Raymond Blanc-speak).
After all, once drippy Lindsay had dried her tears about missing her son, they flung their whole hearts into their Japanese theme, even going for a big karaoke finale.
And their food certainly looked a tad more appetizing than the stuff being churned out by those Northern numbskulls who were doing Mexican.
Last night Rah-mond, in his wisdom, had assigned each couple a different national theme for their restaurant dishes.
“We could do beef and horseradish in a fajita - that’d be good, wouldn’t it?” asked Dimwit Northerner (1) Chris, as the British viewing public clutched their stomachs in agony. You can put anything in a fajita, you know, and call it Mexican. Carrots. Green beans. Anything. And they did.
Not surprisingly, they too were in “ze shallarnge”.
Also in there was the hilariously named Welsh Wok which went Spanish, probably because its customers are now totally confused about what kind of cuisine they might get to eat there. (“Ahm baffurled by ze concept”, as Rah-mond might say).
Angry Man Chef and his Bungling Sidekick (James and Alastair) were lucky not to join them, having penned their menu in “French” – the kind of French where vegetable becomes “veggie-tabluh” and pears becomes “parres”.
Rah-mond was mightily offended at all this, despite the fact his English is hardly anything to write home about.
In fact, that’s one of the funniest things about this show – half the time we haven’t got a clue what he’s on about.
Whereas Alan Sugar tells his would-be colleagues straight (“You’re fired!”), Raymond beats about the bush a bit more.
Unfortunately, this tends to mean nobody really knows who’s staying or going.
“You ‘ave nurt convinced me un oeuf,” he’ll say, while the contestants stare at him blankly (“Does he mean us? What’s going on?”)
Our money’s on the Northern Dimwits to go.

Soapsuds

2008-10-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

Corrie
DO we think this week was the most badly-planned exit of any character EVER in the history of soap?
It certainly seemed that way to us. Last Friday, Jerry-Kebab (who we’ve only just managed to stop referring to as Sinbad) half-mentioned something about going to Spain. By Monday, he and his two youngest kids had gone. For good.
"Are you sure you’ve thought this through?" Mel asked him, echoing our own "viewer to scriptwriter" concerns.
"Yeah, it’ll be fine," breezed Jerry.
"But you don’t speak the language," pointed out Mel, reasonably.
"Ah – soon learn," said Jerry, a man who’s never even been able to speak Mancunian, never mind anything more adventurous.
"And you don’t know anybody," said Mel.
"Ah, balderdash and piffle," shrugged Jerry (or something similar) before he and his family set off for Spain with no job, no money and next to no possessions.
We don’t understand why Corrie have proved masters of the slow-burning plotline and yet can be so cack-handed with their slow-burning characters.
Anyway, following the rapid dispatching of Harry, Vernon, Jerry, Kayleigh and Finlay, Lovely Liam should be afraid, very afraid, now Tony’s in the know.
And, BTW, were you shocked at the sight of Rawsie in a revealing corset? Not us. The biggest shock is that she doesn’t walk around like that all the time.

Jamie's Ministry of Food:

“If Jamie’s School Dinners was Star Wars, this is the Empire Strikes Back,” said Jamie Oliver at the start of his brand new TV mission this week.
Yep, Jamie’s Ministry of Food (C4, Tues) showed quite a lot of the celebrity chef talking utter excrement – but this certainly livened up what could have been a very dull show.
The series is a kind of follow-up to the lisping hero’s earlier efforts to persuade schools to improve their lunch time menus.
Only this time, he wants to improve an ENTIRE TOWN’S eating habits. By passing on a few simple healthy recipes and hoping his “students” go on to teach them to a couple of other people. And in the end about two million people will know how to cook. Or something.
Obviously, to do this he needed to head to a scummy-looking northern town where folk left cans of beer and boxes of crisps piled high outside their back doors.
So off we trotted to Rotherham, where the first person we met was Julie Critchlow – the gobby mum who famously passed bags of chips through to her kids when Jamie’s healthy school lunches were introduced at their school.
The chef was amazed when he met her that far from being the work-shy junk-food loving harridan she appeared to be from the news clips, Julie and her mum were actually quite keen on home cooking.
They even made Yorkshire puddings, for goodness sake.
Jamie was obviously terrified of the tough-talking matriarch.
So much so, he completely forgot to bring up the issue of why she was feeding her kids chips through the school fence then. If she was such a devoted fan of healthy home cooking.
Instead he decided that she was going to be some sort of ambassador for the new “mission.”
A couple of volunteers who hadn’t got a clue about cooking agreed to be the first to learn all of Jamie’s new recipes.
They included a well-meaning young mum who was shown giving her kids their “fourth takeaway of the week.” And it was only Tuesday.
She turned out to be quite a natural in the kitchen actually.
Other volunteers weren’t quite so successful though.
One seemed to have trouble with the concept that when a pan was bubbling, that meant it had reached boiling point.
There were also grumbles that all this cooking and teaching lark was just far too time-consuming.
And indeed, when Jamie caught up with his subjects a couple of weeks later, even the successful mum had fallen off the wagon and started buying kebabs again.
Jamie wasn’t put off though – proudly boasting to camera that he had still “enriched her life.”
We’ll see.
Entertaining though this show undoubtedly was, we can’t help being a tad put off by the “look at the thick northerners” tone.
Still, clips of future shows, where Jamie is seen at a football pitch with the crowd crying: “You fat b*****d!” look highly promising.

Kaff isn't 'avin a laff

2008-09-29T01:56:00.000-07:00

There's only one thing this year's Strictly is missing.

And it's not the gurgling Alesha. Or the wonderful Jill Halfpenny. Or even Ramps and his swivly hips.

No, it's Kate Garraway. Without her - well, they're all a bit good, aren't they? At least, the girls are.

We felt really sorry for Jessie Wallace, being bottom of the pile. It wasn't so much her ability as that terrible dress that did for her.

But, as we predicted, it was Kaff who went, she and Jodie-the-giraffe lacking the fan-base to propel them out of the bottom two. Still, at least she got to look all stunning in flowing primrose - far more glam than she has in 20 years of Easties.

As for Brendan-watch... well, we knew the nice-guy act wouldn't last. True to form, he's already had his first stomp-off.

Next week, the boys are back. Thank the Lord. Kate Garraway may no longer be with us... but there's always Gary Rhodes!

Strictly - didn't they do well?

2008-09-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

... as a certain chinny presenter might say?
Sure the two Easties gals let the side down a bit, bless 'em. Jessie Wallace didn't really suit the tinseled sack look, while poor Kaff (Gillian) forgot to arch her back.
Anyway, as predicted, ladies' week was much more fun than watching all those blokes clodhop around the floor last week. Bruceh was on-form too. "I don't make up this rubbish, do I?" he claimed, at one point. Although we reckon he makes up at least half of it.
Still, a few questions:
Why does Brendan Cole cram more pelvic thrusts per minute into his routines than any other dancer?
How long until Dancing With the Stars finishes and "Transatlantic Len" stops being Mr Grumpy?
Who taught Bruno the word "goofy"? And can he please stop using it?
And does anyone have a date for when he's due to be sectioned?

The "You're my favourite" Strictly award of the week:
So far, too many to choose from. We loved the effortlessly elegent Christine and Cherie (how nice to see an older lady foxtrotting the competition off the floor for once!) and want to learn how to walk just like that. Also love Heather's throaty gurgle and Jodie Kidd for being a "gorgeous surprise" (to quote the eerily pleasant Arlene). Don't know about you, but we also liked Don in the group dance.

Who's going to go? Our money's on Kaff (Gillian). Only the Easties vote can save her and we reckon Wallace is going to suction off most of it.

Until tomorrow, Strictly fans!

Lost In Austen - Bonnets and Bennets get the Life On Mars treatment

2008-09-24T14:41:00.001-07:00

THE promise of a happy ending is one of the infectious delights of most costume dramas (except, of course, Tess of the Dreary-villes on BBC 1 where I'd cover your eyes now, if I were you).

But in the mischievous Lost In Austen (ITV1, Wednesday) we were kept guessing to the end whether we'd get our normal quota of lords and ladies dancing – simply because it had lost the plot, in the nicest possible way.

The great idea behind Lost in Austen was that it was Pride and Prejudice revisited. Sure, there were the usual share of Bennets and bonnets.

But from the start the plot had flung an unexpected spanner into the works – in the shape of 21^st century Pride and Prejudice obsessive Amanda Price (played by the pouting but perfectly endearing Jemima Rooper). Amanda felt so disillusioned with her modern-girl life and boyfriend, she spent her days longing to enter the plot of her favourite novel – and, one day, had her chance when Lizzie Bennet showed up in her bathroom with a plan to swap places and times.

Alas, no matter how hard Amanda tried to hold things together, the usual smooth-running Austen plot fell apart. The first two episodes were frantic high comedy, culminating in Amanda choosing, for her solo performance at the Netherfield ball, an acapella version of Petula Clark's Downtown.

But then, things got more serious – well, in costume drama terms. Without Lizzie there to snub Collins, he ended up married to Jane. Bingley became an alcoholic and ran off with Lydia. Lizzie, meanwhile, was trapped as a text-message sending childminder in 21^st century Hammersmith. Until 10 minutes from the end, we weren't sure we'd get our happy ending at all.

But, you'll be relieved to hear, all came good – particularly for Amanda, who ended up in Darcy's arms. And, if their final union lacked some emotional logic and Lady Catherine acted bizarrely out of character, at least we got to see Darcy in a wet shirt again. Phew! The script for Lost In Austen survived the curse of most ITV Drama Premiers by being largely brilliant and most of the actors appeared to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.

Now – if anyone's planning on doing any more fictional time-travelling, would they mind attending to Thomas Hardy, please? I've a feeling poor old Tess is going to be in need of some help.

Oops - ITV1 has done it again!

2008-09-23T02:50:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on the new ITV drama Place of Execution...

Oh dear. We’ve gone and done it again.
Just when we promised ourselves we would try not to fall for the three-part ITV Drama Premiere Scam - we accidentally caught the first episode of Place of Execution (ITV1, Mon).
And it was really rather good. And now we need to find out what happens next. And it’s bound to have a really rubbish ending (like The Children).
There really is no hope for us, is there?
This thriller about the disappearance of a 13-year-old girl in 1963 and the present-day investigation of the case by TV journalist Catherine Heathcoate (a fabulous Juliet Stevenson) had a more than usually authentic feel.
Okay, the girl in question actually looked at least 33 in the photo and film footage of her.
And there were cliches galore. The slimy upper class step father; the suspicious villagers; the oh-so-unnecessary “two day deadline” for Catherine to complete her documentary.
But there was something about Lee Ingleby, playing the nerdy young hot shot detective leading the highly realistic looking 1963 investigation, we found strangely mesmerising.
Maybe it was just the over-sized glasses and dodgy mac.
But he made a welcome change to the tiresome disheveled, maverick yet dishy detectives who usually populate these stories.
Plus he turned into the marvellous Philip Jackson (he’s from Retford you know) when we moved forward to the present day. Brilliant.
But maybe you better ask us again in a fortnight, when we’ve seen how it all ends.

It's a kind of magic...

2008-09-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on the Beeb's new adventure series Merlin:

The main protagonists in Monty Python and the Holy Grail dismissed Camelot as a "silly place."
But watching the BBC's new family adventure series Merlin, it all looked rather fabulous.
Lovely big (CGI) turrets, lots of secret staircases, a big underground (CGI) cave with a scary (CGI) dragon inside - and yards and yards of sumptuous fabrics everywhere. It was just a pity about the people who lived there really. They were indeed a bit silly.
All the familiar names from the classic legend of Arthur turned up, but they weren't quite how they should have been.
Guinevere was a lowly handmaiden who liked to call herself "Gwen."
Uther Pendragon wasn't so much ruthless and fearsome as rather grumpy and tired.
Arthur was a bit of a "prat" - as Merlin himself observed.
Ah, yes. Merlin.
In this version, the famous wizard walked around dressed like a youth on a gap year holiday - complete with casual top, trousers and backpack.
He even started his first encounter with Arthur with a very modern sounding "Hi."
And while lots of references were made to his immense potential as a sorcerer, the magical powers he exhibited in this opening episode seemed to be restricted largely to "moving things around a bit." The bed that Victor Meldrew fell from a great height onto; the stuff that Arthur tripped over while they were fighting; the great big chandelier that dropped on the evil old woman's head.
Maybe in future weeks we'll get to see other aspects to Merlin. At the moment... well, he's quite nice to look at. So we don't particularly mind.
And that's the point really.
The whole show was lovely to look at, with a suitably epic feel - mostly special effects, but hey they were pretty impressive.
With the dusk falling outside and Strictly Come Dancing just finished beforehand, Merlin was a proper old-fashioned TV treat.
A bit lacking in humour, maybe. But my 11-year-old was transfixed throughout.
And anything that can put a smile on her face these days has got to be doing something right.

Read our review of "Merlin" tonight...

2008-09-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to read our review of the BBC's new flagship family drama Merlin directly after the show is broadcast tonight.
And why not let us know what you think, too, by adding your own comments?

We are family!

2008-09-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson reviews the first episode of Channel Four's The Family

I always like to know that my family isn’t the absolute worst in the world - whatever everyone else tries to tell me.

Hence, I was very keen last night to tune into The Family - Channel Four’s ambitious new fly on the wall documentary following the everyday bickerings of The Hughes clan from Canterbury.

What a thoroughly stupid lot they turned out to be - with the possible exception of the clumsy young lad who kept knocking glasses over.

He was brilliant.

Most of the action in the first episode centred on terrible teen Emily - a kind of surly cross between the pop star Pink and Stacey Slater off EastEnders.

Mum Jane was about to celebrate her 40th birthday (and yes, it was a bit of a shock to find out she was already a granny) so she was already in a bad mood most of the time.

But Emily didn’t help matters.

She was out partying until all hours in the morning, kept skiving off work and was generally a miserable little cow for most of the episode.

The one time she was nice, she ended up singing Kate Nash songs with her mum. Which shows you how bad things were.

I would have had a bit of sympathy for Jane and her pillock of a husband Simon if Emily had been, say, a girl of 13 or 14 years - who was out of control and driving them crazy.

But Emily wasn’t a young schoolgirl.

She was 19, with a job in (we think) some sort of High Street shop and her own money and her own life.

She would have been old enough to go away to university, for example, where she would no doubt have been up to all sorts without the benefit of her mum and dad’s words of “wisdom.”

The solution to Jane and Simon’s predicament seems completely obvious to me.

Start charging Emily for her board and lodging.

Then she wouldn't have as much money to go out partying from 11pm and causing them so much grief.

It ain’t rocket science.

So will I be tuning in next week to see if the penny drops? Course I will.

Best bit of mindless telly that’s been on for ages this.

I only wish they were doing it Big Brother style and we could catch up with all the shenanigans every night.

So - what did YOU reckon?

Farewell Tucker, hello Tess

2008-09-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson reviews the last ever GRANGE HILL and the first episode of TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES

The thought of watching the final episode of Grange Hill (BBC1, Mon) brought a tiny tear to my eye this week.
The show started back in 1978 - which has a special relevance for me because that’s when I started secondary school too.
Me and Tucker Jenkins and Tricia Yates and co - we had a bond, man.
We shared the same experiences, went through the same crises at the same time.
No-one I went to school with would dream of missing an episode.
What a shame, then, that this final outing was so... awful.
It all centred on the school prom (not disco, like it would have been in my day) and a bunch of rather dislikable kids being trapped underneath the building with an unexploded bomb of some sort.
Dead realistic then.
Elsewhere, Tucker himself turned up to talk sense into his nephew, who wanted to leave the sixth form.
“This place has certainly changed,” he commented, as he arrived on his trustee motorbike.
Hmm, you could say that. It’s changed from a school in London to a school in Liverpool for one thing. Funny he didn’t notice.
In the end, even Tucker couldn’t rescue the situation.
The bomb never did blow up, but the end was inevitable for this now mediocre attempt at entertainment.
I watched it with my 11-year-old daughter who herself has just started secondary school.
She was so entranced, she went off to read a book instead.
Would never have happened if Tricia Yates had still been in it...

Does the nation really need another version of Tess of the D’Urbervilles (BBC1, Sun)?
It barely seems a minute since the ITV1 drama department did their lavish production (although, I can’t remember who was in it or what it was like to be honest).
Then there’s the iconic Roman Polanksi film version from 1979, with gorgeous Nastassia Kinski. If you did Tess at A-Level like me, you probably had to watch her and her famously huge lips speaking all the lines in a weird foreign accent too.
This, however, is the first time the BBC has had a crack at the Thomas Hardy classic.
And we all know that when it comes to costume dramas of any description, Beeb is Best.
Gemma Arterton in the title role certainly looked perfect as the resilient country girl who is sent away by her parents to claim kinship with a wealthy (and weird) family.
But the thing about this production is that it’s being shown over FOUR PARTS.
And yes, you’re right. That’s about two more than is strictly necessary for such comparatively flimsy material.
Not that it isn’t lovely to look at - with all the right elements for a wonderful Sunday evening in.
Fair maidens dancing on a hillside in crisp white frocks, lots of ooh-ar, ooh-ar, ooh-ar accents. And gosh, but Tess’ rustic room at her new posh relatives’ pad was fabulous. Bit of whitewash and a quick sweep of the floor and it looked heavenly.
But it was all rather slow.
And maybe that’s because I was waiting to see how they would handle the infamous “pivotal” moment in Tess’ life.
Would the dastardly Alec (played by a not particularly dastardly Hans Matheson) be shown “raping” or “seducing” the innocent young girl?
Interpretations have varied over the years, after all.
In the end, the Beeb seemed to go for “rape.”
But they way they did it, in blurred slow motion with only the sound of Tess’ muffled protests was just, well... naff.
Either show what happened properly. We can take it, we’re grown-ups. Or do a cut-away to another scene - and leave the whole thing mysterious and ambiguous.
But don’t fanny about with blurred slow-mo “did he/didn’t he” nonsense.
Makes you look silly.

Big is beautiful!

2008-09-12T02:59:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson and Jennifer Scott look back at the week's tv...

SINCE Big Brother finished, we’ve found ourselves watching an awful lot of random documentaries.
The other night, for instance, we caught two very intellectual efforts straight after each other.
It helped that we’d consumed quite a few large glasses of Chardonnay along the way, but afterwards we felt really good about ourselves.
And frankly, we didn’t say that very often after watching Rex, Darnell and Co.
First up was The Sculpture Diaries (C4, Sun) with the spiffing Waldemar Januszczak travelling all over the world on our behalf to look at some very big statues.
This episode was all about how sculptors over the years have conveyed the notion of “leadership and power”.
Basically, it seems “power” in terms of art means “massive”.
So we had a good old look at Mount Rushmore, the statue of David, those weird heads on Easter Island and the big Soviet figures depicting Stalin and Lenin.
The latter proved particularly interesting, as it turns out some wealthy Lithuanian businessman has bought all those old statues and put them in a big theme park complete with barbed wire fencing to look just like a Soviet concentration camp.
He was even going to ship visitors in by rail using big cattle carts, until someone pointed out that this might be a little on the offensive side.
Throughout this enthralling doc, Januszczak proved a completely marvellous host who obviously knew his stuff but talked like he’d only just found out all the information himself.
He also reminded us a bit of Dr Fox from Pop Idol. Which was weird.

After this, we switched over to Earth: The Climate Wars (BBC2, Sun) where Dr Iain Stewart was presenting a guide to “the history of global warming”.
Dr Stewart was trying desperately hard to be likable and jovial – we even saw him playing with his kids on the beach just to make sure we understood he was a “completely normal family guy.” He wasn’t half as engaging as Januszczak, though.
This first episode covered how the theory of global warming developed from the 1970s.
In those early days, everyone reckoned Earth was about to go into another Ice Age.
So Dr Stewart was shown smirking at old TV footage of Magnus Magnusson spouting off facts about the imminent freeze to come.
Funnily enough, the theory was soon laid to rest with the arrival of 1976 – when we had the hottest summer since records began. Doh.
It was all interesting enough, but we can’t help thinking that next week – when Dr Iain will look at how “the sceptics” developed their views – will be a lot more explosive.

WHO Really Killed Jesus? (C5, Tue) was the question being asked in yet another documentary this week.
With this being on Channel Five, we hoped it would be something wacky like “aliens” or “Leonardo Da Vinci.”
Turns out it was simply: “Pontius Pilate.” What a disappointment.
The real topic was whether Pilate was the “hand-washing” bystander he’s always made out to be in the gospels. Some posh academics reckoned there was lots of evidence the Roman leader was a nasty piece of work who crucified thousands of people daily.
Fascinating enough – all rather spoiled by some very dodgy dramatic reconstruction.
Still, nice hair, Jesus.

IT was a wee bit hit-and-miss but, when it worked, Harry and Paul (BBC1, Friday) was bang on. The Dragons’ Den spoof, with Theo Profiterole, John Lewis, Duncan Guillotine and The Grumpy Woman, was hilarious. “I hate you – and for that reason, I’m out!” Brilliant!

The kids are all right... not

2008-09-05T00:47:00.000-07:00

THERE’S nothing quite like an ITV Drama Premiere, is there? Except, of course, for another ITV Drama Premiere.
And this week’s ITV Drama Premiere (you can’t, apparently, say it too many times) The Children (ITV1, Mon) ticked all the boxes previously ticked by other ITV Drama Premieres.
First requirement is it has to lull you into a false sense of security.
So it’s normally sponsored by a cosy household name (in this case Sainsbury’s, telling us how we can make “crushed potatoes with crumbled Stilton... mmm”). It will also star a cosy household name... in this case, Cuddly Kevin Whately. The opening scene even showed Cuddly Kev driving a Volvo and listening to Classic FM. What could be cosier? We just knew something awful was around the corner.
Sure enough, the next scene showed a woman stammering to the camera: “She’s j-just lying there!” There was the sound of sirens, a brief glimpse of a body bag and the sound of Vaughan Williams’ The Lark Ascending in the background (Kev had thoughtfully kept Classic FM on to give us an Ironic Juxtaposition, another predictable feature of Drama Premieres).
We then flashed back to “three months earlier”. Cuddly Kev had, it turned out, left his wife (Lesley Sharp, being Magnificent But Flawed, as she’s required to be in all Drama Premieres) to set up home with Geraldine Somerville. Lots of sex ensued which we could have done without.
Cuddly Kev had a miserable teenage son. Gerry had an adorable little daughter Emily with glossy brown hair who liked barbie dolls. We were only two minutes in and, already, we suspected, we’d stumbled across our body bag occupant. Poor mite. Emily’s real daddy had just had a baby daughter with some tetchy bint. By the end of episode one, Emily had gone wandering off with the baby because she was being ignored by her useless daddy. We suspect the body-bag finale may be a revenge attack.
Throughout, the adults kept behaving like children (irony, again, put there especially for anyone playing ITV Drama Premiere bingo), squabbling and being generally unbearable, all the while saying stuff like: “The children mustn’t suffer”. And, of course, we know they do.
We kept getting blue flash-forwards of everyone looking devastated. Geraldine was going: “Nooo! Nooo!”
Yeah, we get it, already. In three months’ time, something terrible will happen. The Children will suffer.
We’ve still got another two weeks to find out how, precisely.
Unfortunately, one of the other Very Predictable Features of ITV Drama Premieres is the Ludicrous Ending That Makes You Wish You Hadn’t Bothered.
Of course, The Children may be the exception. We do hope so.

ON to other matters and we cannot let this week go by without a passing mention for Big Brother 9 (C4, daily).
OK, maybe everyone else in Britain has given up on the format, but we’ve stuck with this year’s show through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad (mostly bad) and you know what?
We still love it. And we’re still excited about who wins tonight’s finale.
And we still won’t be the slightest bit interested in any of the inhabitants once tonight is over and they all come back into the real world.
You see, Big Brother works. But it only works while the show is actually on. We don’t want to see interviews with Kat on GMTV or a follow up show with Rex and “My Girlfriend.” We don’t want to read the £6m Hello! magazine deal scored by Mario and Lisa. We don’t want to hear about Mikey’s take on living with blindness.
So thanks chaps for an entertaining summer, but we’ll bid you goodbye and good luck now.
Anyway, when does Strictly Come Dancing start?

2008-09-03T02:25:00.000-07:00

FRANKLY, if we’d been in "Scury Brian’s" shoes, we’d have run a mile at the first sighting of Margi Clarke’s strawberry coiff.
Like her or loathe her, "Scury Margi’s" CORRIE comeback went down like a flaming lamborgini in Benidorm and, at least, had the effect of making us take to Auntie Pam more during her staunch defence of Molly and "Ty-rrrrohne".
Thus far, Auntie Pam has been a bit of an enigma, clanking around with her homemade pickles and her packets of "quality" ham. She’s one of those Corrie characters who starts on the Street with a gimmick (the Battersbys with their ghetto-blaster, Becky with her thievery) which you hope they’ll forget all about in a few weeks.
We’re also starting to like Julie – particularly if she keeps doing her random musical numbers. It was On The Street Where You Live this week – sung at a bemused Fiz about her teen-chasing boyfriend. In these moments, Julie seems almost like a young Rita Sullivan – and, believe us, there is no higher compliment.
Elsewhere, all men everywhere in the world have been turned into spluttering, dribbling idiots in the presence of Nina, Corrie’s former "Bollywood star".
"She has this effect on all men," proclaimed her boring husband. Really? "It’s the allure of the star." Star? That dumpy wench? We Corrie viewers can believe many things but the suggestion that woman is a legendary film siren? Not really.

2008-09-03T02:23:00.000-07:00

Over on EASTENDERS, it was a week of tragedy and utter silliness.
Excuse us if we’ve got this wrong and everything.
But until just a few short weeks ago, Dawn and Jase were happy enough living in a cramped bedroom with about 500 other members of their extended family (and Genghis the dog) in that dirty old hovel also known as "Keef Miller’s house." Right?
But now, Dawn has "had a taste of the good life."Or, to you and me, she’s moved into Shirl’s poxy old bedsit and put a few nice pictures on the wall.
So this obviously means that her aspirations have been raised really, really high. OK?
And she insists on a dream wedding and living in a WAGs pad in Essex? Despite neither she nor Jase having any discernable income to speak of?
So this means Jase has to try and out-manoeuvre master criminal Terry (who’ll always be Hazel to us). And thus get involved in a terrible kidnap plot with rather hideous consequences.
All in a matter of about two weeks?
God, EastEnders is pants sometimes, isn’t it?

Richard and Judy - all is forgiven...

2008-08-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson and Jennifer Scott look back at the week's TV....

THE secret of a successful TV quiz show is that it must appear ludicrously simple while, in fact, being hair-tearingly difficult.
Just think of the greats – Millionaire or that thing with Noel Edmonds and some boxes – and you’ll see they all adopt this formula.
The prize must dangle frustratingly out of reach. Which is where Perfect Recall (C4, week-nights) makes its first mistake. It’s all too easy.
Basically, every single round of the quiz contains different questions – but the same 20 answers. Once you’ve guessed them the first time, it’s just a case of remembering them and repeating them again... and again... and again... Yawn.
Dear old Terry Wogan was the presenter of this tripe. He was giving it a touch of the old blarney, as you’d expect. But no amount of blarney could disguise the fact this show’s a bit of a dud.
In fact, we think it’s quite ironic Toggish Sir Tel’s been asked to present something called Perfect Recall.
He is, after all, the man who famously named the wrong contestant as Britain’s Eurovision entry two years ago.
At least he managed to get the winner right this time – and he remembered his name too.
But that’s not much to shout about, is it?
Bring back Richard and Judy, we say.

MUTUAL Friends (BBC1, Tues) is one of those modern comedy dramas that isn’t very comedic or dramatic.
It’s also extremely predictable, full of clichéd characters and a complete rip-off of everything from Cold Feet to This Life with a bit of Love, Actually thrown in.
But for some reason, we really enjoyed it.
It’s all about a group of attractive, successful and a bit wacky university friends heading for their 40s who are brought together again when one of their number, Carl, walks under a train one day.
Cheerful.
The main action centres on married couple Martin and Jen, played by Marc Warren and Keeley Hawes (who’s about 550 times better in this than she is in Ashes to Ashes).
Of course, their relationship is going through a shaky stage and isn’t helped at all by Jen’s revelation that she slept with Carl. And her son blabs about it to Carl’s widow. And Jen throws Martin out for telling everyone. Or something.
Thrown into the mix is Martin’s eccentric but lovable friend Patrick (Alexander Armstrong in full Pimm’s O’Clock mode). He owns an E-type Jag and runs a successful catalogue business. Probably Boden, we reckon.
So what happens?
Martin and Jen bicker a lot, their son Dan is lonely, neglected and sad, Patrick is a bit of a tosser... Oh, it doesn’t really matter what happens, OK?
The performances are all good, the pace is great and everyone looks like they’re having a right old laugh.
No one’s going to win any awards for this, but we can see it becoming a huge hit with viewers over the next couple of weeks...

DO yourself a favour. Go on the BBC iPlayer and watch the recently repeated episodes of fab family sit-com Outnumbered which is due a second series in a few weeks. You probably missed its original run due to daft scheduling but you’ll at least get a flavour of the fantastic characters, like naughty Ben, a lispy young Alan Davies look-alike. It’s everything My Family isn’t. And, yes, – that is a good thing.

In X-Cess

2008-08-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

You’d have to be a very dull person indeed not to have a right old giggle at Ant and Seb on THE X FACTOR this week. (ITV1, Sat)
Cardiff’s answer to Usher and P Diddy really stole the show with their "unusual" interpretation of Peter Andre’s Mysterious Girl.
Especially the one that did the "Woman dat I love bit."
It was genuinely amusing.
But.
We’ve had enough of them now, thanks.
All week, the clip has been repeated incessantly, they’ve been interviewed non stop and Chris Moyles is always playing the duo’s efforts.
Keith Chegwin even did a comedy re-mix.
Enough, already. They weren’t THAT hilarious.
Indeed, are we alone in thinking that the main singer actually had a decent voice?
And that he probably only brought his mate along because he knew they’d be featured as one of the "joke acts"?
And that they got told by one of the production team to pretend to refuse to leave so that they could be dramatically escorted off the premises by security?
Yawn.
These early weeks of auditioning are always highlighted as the "best part" of The X Factor experience.
But actually, we don’t much like them at all.
Especially the sob story brigade. Like the girl this week who entered on behalf of all the kids from Bridgend who’d committed suicide recently.
We’re sure they appreciate that.
Still. At least we haven’t got the hideous Sharon Osbourne this year.
Replacement Cheryl Cole seems a bit clueless though.
"I really thought the talent would be of a higher standard," she moaned. "I'm a bit disappointed."
Eh?
Surely even she and Ashley watch the telly sometimes.
The X Factor is ALWAYS disappointing.

Do you ever get the impression a programme has made it on to the screen purely so the makers can flog your nan the spin-off coffee table picture book come Christmas?
Such was the case with BRITAIN FROM ABOVE (BBC1, Sun).
This was basically Andrew Marr whizzing across Britain in a helicopter with the whole of the BBC Symphony Orchestra for company (we couldn’t see them but we could sure hear them).
Now, despite the whole "novelty bird’s eye view" angle the programme seemed to think was its USP, we had the funny feeling we’d seen most of it somewhere before.
Ridge and furrow field patterns? Check. The white horse of Uffington? Check (they still have no idea why it’s there, incidentally). We think it was all on some GCSE geography video we had to watch.
Andrew, bless him, did try to give us something we hadn’t seen before. Namely Andrew Marr skydiving over Norfolk. Like the white horse of Uffington, nobody seemed to have any explanation for this, either.
"This is. ABSOLUTE. Madness." concluded Andrew, as he descended.
You’re telling us, mate. Still, it’ll all look good in the picture book, won’t it?

Genuine question of the week:
Why has the cameraman on DRAGON’S DEN(BBC2, Mon) taken to hiding behind pillars in the manner of a serial killer and then jumping out and rushing up to presenter Evan Davis at 100 miles an hour?
Stop it.

Most moving moment of the week:
Wellard from EASTENDERS (BBC1, Fri) shuffling off this mortal coil on Pat’s dodgy carpet as East 17 sang Stay Another Day in the background. We haven’t cried as much in years.

Vegas by the sea?

2008-08-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson and Jennifer Scott look back at the week's TV...

IF you’re a fan of teatime TV, you’ll know that after Countdown and before Richard and Judy, there’s a little cheap-as-chips show on Channel 4 called A Place in the Sun.
However, the channel seem to have run out of Malcolm-and-Denise types searching for their dream holiday pad with rental potential in sun-kissed Bulgaria, so they’ve decided to call this series A Place By The Sea (Ch4, Mon-Fri).
The presenter is a girlie with a really (“rurly”) patronising voice called Seetha who promises sea-seeking couples the “parfect” coastal retreat, then shows them a dilapidated outhouse in Morecambe.
Bizarrely, on Tuesday, the buyer-to-be was Johnny Vegas. It wasn’t a celebrity special or anything. It seemed Johnny had just taken the Joe Public route of writing in and asking if they’d find him a £150,000 bolthole in Galloway.
Johnny wanted somewhere really remote, “where ordinary people couldn’t talk to him”.
So house-hunting on daytime TV was an ingenious idea, in that case, keeping everything highly top secret. Ahem.
First off, Seetha announced she was showing Johnny a property on the “worst side of the island”. “Why would she want to show him the worst side of the island?” we asked ourselves, until we realised she was saying “west”.
Johnny wasn’t so struck with the pine floors, fixtures and fittings.
“I feel like I would have to join some sort of pine appreciation society,” he said.
“...there’s a fridge,” said Seetha.
“... cleverly disguised as pine!” said Johnny.
Eventually Seetha found Johnny’s dream home, an old mill.
But, brilliantly, Johnny had disappeared.
“This would be ideal, if only he were here to see it,” said Seetha, through gritted teeth.
She eventually tracked him down to.... who’d-a-thought... a pub.
As she’d suspected, Johnny loved the mill.
“Now, you will move quickly, won’t you?” asked Seetha anxious for him to clinch the deal.
Johnny assured her he would. Two minutes later Seetha revealed someone else had beaten him to it. Shocking. Still, at least Johnny knew where to drown his sorrows.

THE thing we’ve found with ubiquitous TV house building guru/all round nice bloke Kevin McCloud is that.... his shows have got a strange tendency to send us to sleep.
Grand Designs – the programme that made him famous – is a wonderful format and features some truly inspirational houses. We adore the end scene where the property is at last unveiled and Kev takes a tour with the proud owner.
It’s just the bit that goes before we have problems with. The architect quitting, the project manager having a nervous breakdown, the rain ruining a state-of-the-art roof, the builders not turning up, the endless mud.
And it was exactly the same with Kevin McCloud and the Big Town Plan (C4, Monday).
This time, though, it wasn’t just one measly house in the spotlight.
The ambitious production is following a five-year plan to regenerate the entire town of Castleford in Yorkshire. Or Cass, as Kev and the locals affectionately refer to it.
The first episode followed the trials and tribulations of building one of the key elements of the regeneration – a dirty big bridge spanning the alarmingly wild-looking River Aire.
There were arguments. There were hitches. The first effort had to be scrapped and redesigned. Some landowners objected (mainly to the idea of 40,000 visitors finishing up in their front gardens, one supposes). The locals gave up on the bridge ever being completed.
But the £3.2m snaking platform was finally unveiled and it did look rather fab... when we woke up at the end.

- I think that’s a nickname
- I hope so
Swimming commentators Adrian Moorhouse and Andy Jameson on some American women’s relay fans waving a banner emblazoned with: “Go Dogs!”

QUIP OF THE WEEK: “You look so young. Are you sure you haven’t had surgery? I don’t believe you! You look nothing like Michael”
– Simon Amstell to Jerome Jackson on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

2008-08-08T00:23:00.001-07:00

“SOMETIMES we see people who have a great product and we wish them all the best. But I wish you absolute failure on this. I hope it doesn’t take off and I hope it’s a terrible failure. Thank-you. Goodbye.” – Dragon’s Den grump Duncan Bannatyne to one less-than-budding entrepreneur (BBC2, Mon).

2008-08-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

UNLIKE other TV doctors, Dr Alice Roberts is a proper, bona fide, university-trained doctor of medicine.
And, as such, she’s able to scare the bejesus out of us in her series Don’t Die Young (BBC2, Tues). Every week, she focuses on a different part of the body and then looks at how we might be destroying it through our nasty, toxin-loaded lifestyles.
You could tell flame-haired Dr Alice was a pro because she kept talking about the, “umbil-IKE-al” cord, whereas the rest of us plebs would have said umbilical.
This week, it was the turn of the liver (episode one) and the bowels (episode two). Episode one juxtaposed a pair of mother-daughter binge drinkers with the – well – sobering story of Philip, who had liver cancer.
“People can come in here seeming completely well and be dead in six weeks,” said one doctor. Great. Next, we moved on to excrement. Dr Alice had enlisted some poor female called Les who ate too much chocolate and not enough fruit.
“The last time I had a poo...” mused Les in plummy tones, “Let me try and remember... gosh... it was a few days ago...”
After being scared witless over lunch with Dr Alice (“my grandfather died of bowel cancer,” Les recalled, miserably) she gave up her Dairy Milk ways and tucked into an aubergine.
“Shortness of breath... a slight pain, diarrhoea or not going enough – these can all be symptoms of bowel cancer,” summed up Alice at the end. Blimmin’ ’eck. “It’s worth getting yourself checked out,” she finger-wagged.
Well, we would do Alice but do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a doctor’s appointment? Presumably, they’re all on TV nowadays. If we die young the mostly likely cause will be stress from watching your show.

2008-08-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

THERE was something that didn’t ring entirely true about The Secret Millionaire (Ch4, Tues). Quite a lot of things, in fact.
Multi- millionaire James Benamor gave up his jet-setting lifestyle for a couple of days to spend time under cover as a volunteer in Manchester’s Moss Side.
After being moved to tears by three projects helping teenagers stay out of a life of crime, he revealed his true identity and gave the charity workers anything from £10,000 to £50,000.
They were all gobsmacked. Well, a bit. Actually, we couldn’t help thinking that, like us, they’d all seen The Secret Millionaire on telly before and guessed what James was up to.
Also, we were a bit suspicious about how the philanthropist “found” his chosen projects.
At first, we saw James wandering the streets stopping random members of the public to talk to them about “what they thought about volunteering”. Not surprisingly, most looked at him as though he were a total nutcase.
One bloke, not unreasonably, commented: “I don’t know anything about it, actually, mate.”
And we couldn’t help sympathising with the thuggish-looking gentleman who intervened as James was talking to a group of teens and basically told them to stay away from the weirdo.
Miraculously, though, our hero managed to happen across some genuinely deserving cases. Amazing, really. Or do you think maybe a researcher had set it all up beforehand?
Anyway, the thing that really bugged us was we didn’t really like James that much. Not even when he gave away all that dosh.
Probably, it was the way that he’d made his £77m. Running a “highly successful” company that offered loans to people who’d been refused credit by everyone else. Nice.
Indeed, almost the first sentence we heard James utter was along the lines of: “There isn’t a company out there that we compete with that I don’t want to see smashed into the ground.”
How pleasant.
OK, maybe he “went on a journey” and was a changed man at the end of his experience.
But we can’t help suspecting that James went back to his office with a load of great new leads to follow up in the Manchester area.

2008-08-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

MASTERCHEF is BACK! And COOKING doesn’t get any TUFFER than THIS!
Since Loyd Grossman left the show to create his own curry sauce range, the programme has ditched strangulated vowels for hilarious shoutiness.
New hosts Gregg Wallace (a bald Johnny Vaughan) and John Torode INSIST on TALKING in CAPITAL LETTERS! With EXCLAMATION MARKS!
This wasn’t just any old Masterchef, though. It was CELEBRITY Masterchef (BBC2, Weds).
First challenge was... who the bejesus were these “celebrities”?
Slowly, the nervous-breakdown-woman voiceover illuminated us.
They were (of course!): Andi Peters of kids’ TV fame, the girl off Gregory’s Girl, Max Farnon of Brookside fame, Joe McGann of “one of the McGanns” fame, some comedienne of BBC3 fame and somebody named Hywel of no discernable fame whatsoever. Oh, he’s been in The Bill. As opposed to every other actor in the history of acting.
Still, our contestants’ celebrity status ensured John and Gregg treated them with kid gloves. There was none of the spitting-into-a-handkerchief that normally goes on when mere mortal contestants hand over their grub to be judged. As Joe McGann, sporting a Jesus beard, handed over what looked to be scrambled egg and coconut milk with a few prawns bobbing in it, Gregg Wallace apparently went into food ecstasy. “THAT’S GORGEOUS! MOUF-WATERING!” he hollered. Not as good as Andi Peters though. “ANDI! THAT GUY CAN REALLY COOK!” cried John. “BEES KNEES!” agreed Gregg.
Even more unlikely were the reasons our “celebrities” had been selected for the show. No, they’re not desperate (how could you?) There were proper culinary reasons.
“Joe McGann – all his brothers are actors. Families feed each other. That bodes well,” said Gregg. You what?
Our celebs then went to test their skills in a real kitchen.
“But these guys won’t be giving up their day jobs,” chortled Gregg, just in case the chef got any ideas.
“WHAT day jobs?” cried Britain.
In the end, Andi and Hywell (who?) got the vote, Andi having gone ALL OUT to IMPRESS the JUDGES by baking a banana muffin. As you may have gathered, they don’t take that much impressing.

The Bone Supremacy?

2008-07-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson and Jennifer Scott look back at the week's TV....

An enormous thanks to the Beeb this week for giving us Bonekickers (BBC1, Tues) - the most unintentionally hilarious pile of excrement ever to grace our 42-inch plasma flat screen.

Seriously, we haven’t guffawed quite so loudly in years as we did while watching the “old-fashioned adventure yarn” about a bunch of completely useless west country archaeologists.

The first episode introduced us to the crack team of mavericks who will no doubt keep our Tuesday nights amusingly occupied for the entire summer.

It included shouty, obnoxious but vulnerable Dr Gillian Magwilde (Julie Graham), odious, creepy and completely unfunny letch Professor Gregory ‘Dolly’ Parton (Hugh Bonneville) and blink and you’ll miss him Dr Ben Ergha (Adrian ‘What the Hell Am I Doing in this Anyway?’ Lester).

We won’t bore you with the ins and outs of the ludicrous plot, suffice to say it all centred on some Knights Templar bringing the actual cross of Jesus Christ to Britain - and getting horribly murdered for their trouble.

There were also a couple of modern day Christian terrorists (one of them was the former schizophrenic Joe of EastEnders - which will give you an idea of the complete lack of threat posed throughout) starting a Holy War against non Christians.

The highlights were too numerous to mention - but we particularly enjoyed the grossly unnecessary decapitation incident.

Also getting us rolling on the floor laughing was the rope swing sword fight between shouty Magwilde and one of the terror boys. And special mention must go to nuttily named genius Edward Laygass (Paul Rhys) for the marvellous way he lowered himself into that pit thingy underneath the dovecote (don’t ask) to the accompaniment of a choir of angels singing. Priceless.

After accidentally burning down the ancient subterranean site of numerous Roman crosses (one of which was apparently THE cross) and leaving two men to burn to death, you might have thought questions needed to be answered by our heroes.

Surely the police would have been called, forensics would have turned up and that random old bloke who inexplicably owned the historic site would have at least been given a decent apology.

But no - all we got was Hello Dolly quipping: “In the name of Jehovah, can we PLEASE go to the pub now?”

And everyone groaned in weary amusement.

Truly, this was pants... see you next week.

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“Gawd loves a tryer” award of the week: Tim Henman, now a BBC tennis commentator: “I always knew that, some day, I’d be involved in a Wimbledon final!” (BBC1, Sun)

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Sports anoraks now have their own show with the creation of Sports Mastermind (Wed, BBC2). This was Mastermind (black leather chair, foreboding music) with the addition of... yes... you’ve guessed it... sport.

It was presented by silver fox Des Lynam who really hasn’t been the same since he left Match of the Day. Criminally, they didn’t even allow him so much as a roguish twinkle. Sapped of any chance to have a personality, Des simply read the autocue.

Sadly, the contestants were also personality vacuums which didn’t enhance the spectacle. Half the fun of Mastermind is seeing whether the contestant whose specialist subject is ancient Nordic runes can get beaten by the one whose chosen field is Geri Halliwell. But in the sports version, all the subjects seemed equally trivial and the passes and wrong answers were few and far between.

The only glimmers of amusement came via two questions: “Who was caught in the gully by Willey off Dilley?” (it was Lillee). And, to the man whose “specialist subject” was Brian Clough: “Why was Clough banned from the touchline in 1989?” “Because he punched a supporter”. But, on the whole, sports fans prefer a little more action.

A right Royal rascal...

2008-06-27T00:40:00.001-07:00

Oonagh Robinson looks back at the week's TV...

Normally, I couldn’t give a stuff about any programme focussing on our Dullsville Royal family, but Snowdon and Margaret (Channel 4, Weds) was strangely compelling.

Maybe it was because they were both so glamorous and hung around with Peter Sellers, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton so much.

But maybe it was also because they just seemed a bit more human than that other lot.

At the start of this racy documentary, we kept being told how charismatic and Bohemian Tony Armstrong Jones used to be. Looked like a horse just the same as all the other Royals to me, but you have to take people’s word for it sometimes.

He was shamelessly rejected by his posh mum as a child. She once put him and one of his sisters in third class on the train, while another sibling travelled in second class and the “favourite” went in first. Is there no end to the cruelty of the upper classes?

Despite such setbacks, Tone soon became a world class photographer and was bedding virtually everyone in London by the time he met Princess Margaret. Even after he met her, actually.

The happy couple soon got married and everything was wonderful for a while - but old habits die hard and Tony was soon up to his old tricks.

It all ended rather horribly with Snowdon leaving nasty notes to his missus in her glove box saying: “You look like a Jewish manicurist, and I hate you.” Charming.

Course, him being such a rat and fathering 20 or 30 kids outside of wedlock (well, nearly) and all that didn’t stop the public blaming Margaret for the embarrassing divorce.

Even the Queen herself still thought Tone was a smashing bloke after the split.

Something tells me she didn’t know half the story...

The Supersizers (BBC2, Tues) were in Regency England this week - where they were mostly eating cheese on toast.

Sue Perkins and Giles Coren continued their highly enjoyable exploration of historical diets with a look at what posh folk ate in the early 19th century.

The former Prince Regent himself, we learned, once breakfasted on an enormous pigeon pie and oodles of champagne. He was dead four weeks later, mind.

And Nottingham’s own Lord Byron was a bit of a “Manorexic.”

Yes, after ballooning in his early 20s, the poet soon developed all sorts of eating disorders and became one of the faddiest eaters around.

Most disgusting of all, he insisted on using a whole egg to whiten his tea. Which didn’t look poetic at all, let me tell you.

Giles was quite encouraged when after a week on game, red wine, champagne, sweetmeats, steak and cheese on toast for breakfast, luncheon and dinner, he hadn’t ended up with gout and had only put one or two pounds on.

Maybe he needed to do it for an entire lifetime to really feel the benefit...

Ooh, we have been missing Adrian Chiles on The One Show (BBC1, weekdays) while he’s been off commentating on that football borefest.

His replacements on the relentlessly upbeat magazine show this week included Nicky Campbell and Matthew Wright - who just weren’t right at all.

Maybe it’s just that the only accent to go with sidekick Christine Bleakly’s strong Nor’n Irish drawl is a thick Brummie twang.

Still, at least we’ve learned a few things this week. Who would’ve thought ladybirds could make such interesting telly, eh?

Smells like team spirit...?

2008-06-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on the final of The Apprentice...

That’s it then. Three months of all our lives down the pan watching this God forsaken programme...
And all so that shouty LEE MCQUEEN could at the last minute get chosen as Sralan’s apprentice.
Eh? What? Where? How?
I’m thinking of starting a 24-hour hotline for any other viewer who doesn’t really understand why the Reverse Pterodactyl got the job.
On the face of it, everything rested on the final “perfume” task.
Although alarm bells started ringing with me when it turned out not to be one of those challenges that depended on how much money the teams raised or anything sensible like that.
Instead it was one where the experts just had to give “feedback” - so Sralan could randomly choose to ignore it.
Alex - he’s 24 you know - and Helene could have quite easily “won” with Dual and its innovative bottle (yes, it WAS that designer bloke who came up with the idea, not Alex or Kevin).
Okay, it was expensive to produce, but that Givenchy bloke was almost having kittens he was so impressed.
Wonder would he have felt the same if they had called it Girth, as Helene suggested.
But it was Clurr and LEE MCQUEEN who triumphed with the ever-so-dull Roulette.
And instead of giving the job to tough talking safe bet Clurr - Sralan went for a bloke who looked and sounded like he should be running a market stall selling knock-off watches,
Okay, he was on the winning side a lot and all his team-mates seemed to think he was a bloody nice bloke.
But would YOU put him in charge of Sales and Marketing for a high-tech new advertising initiative at a salary of £100,000 a year? Cos that’s what Sralan’s going to do.
I give it six months before Lee turns up on I’m a Celebrity...

2008-06-06T00:01:00.001-07:00

There’s not much point giving an opinion on this year’s Big Brother yet as the series won’t even get going until they do their first nominations. In fact, we’re not sure we’re even gonna watch it all yet. We do say that every year though.
However, so far we rather like the chap who wears the suits and think the couple (the real one not the fake) will be an interesting experiment. There are far too many buxom brunettes though. And watch out for the American Albino.
And they say the freak show died out with the Victorians...

2008-06-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

MOST TIRESOME TRAILER...
... And who will YOU be supporting this year? The BBC’s wretched campaign to get us all to watch Euro 08, despite the lack of Home Nation presence. The most annoying "reason" is the girl who says she’ll be supporting Switzerland because she likes Bratwurst. They’re German, you gonk!

2008-06-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

My betrothed managed to walk in just as I was watching the bit at the beginning of Trinny and Susannah’s The Great British Body where the pair were getting women of all ages and shapes to talk about their breasts whilst getting them out on national television.
So now that’s what she thinks I’m into.
But lo, as we continued watching a programme that we initially came to with no small amount of scepticism, we were won over by a genuinely good-hearted attempt to understand body image while making Britons feel better about theirs.
The "plot", as it were, had T&S canvassing the country looking for comfortable, confident (read: not model-perfect) Britons to represent the country in sculpture. It ended, as these things often do, with two naked television personalities in a field, surrounded by a somewhat windblown and just as starkers gaggle of their countrymen and women.
As T&S talked about and occasionally felt up people’s abs, butts and in the case of one voluptuous 52-year-old woman, "puppies" (hint: there were no golden retrievers in sight), one thing became clear – there wasn’t much sexuality, embarrassed or otherwise, on display here. Oh, there were people talking about why they felt sexy, why they were comfortable (or less so) with themselves as sexual beings. But the programme itself didn’t set out to titillate, and it didn’t.
I sat down with an idea that this would be post-modern seaside-postcard television, a "tee he, I’m making you get your kit off in public" parade of boobs and backsides. Utterly wrong. This is reality television with a big heart – non-fiction telly that gives you a big hug and tells you your bum looks fantastic in those jeans. Or out of them.

Loopy Lu legs it - but who will win?

2008-06-05T01:26:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on Week 11 of The Apprentice

Well, S’ralan thought she was a bit too zany for him - so off Lucinda and her bright coats and berets jolly well went.
Leaving us with four finalists who are not the slightest bit zany at all - just stark raving barmy the lot of them.
Yes, this year’s interview task was another cracker - providing offices all over Notts with something to talk about all day.
First, there’ll be fluent English speaker Alex - he’s 24 you know - who dobbed Loopy Lu in for saying that she might not want to be The Apprentice after all.
Actually, seeing as she’s on 100 grand a year and doesn’t really need the job, I don’t much blame him.
Then there’s shouty LEE MCQUEEN who went to university for two years. Oh no, it was four months, wasn’t it?
Still it’s an easy “mistake” to make on your CV.
And what does such an oversight matter when you can do such a good “reverse pterodactyl” in a formal interview setting?
Monotone Helene played the “I’ve had a really tough background” card. She also thinks everyone else is a gobsh*te.
S’ralan said he wasn’t impressed but he still didn’t fire the boring tart.
Next there’s gobby Clur, who’s very motivated, very focused and will probably win. Zzzzzz.
She’s on £85,000 a year already too. Does it make you wonder what you’ve been doing wrong all your life when this lot can earn so much for doing... sod all by the look of it?
So goodbye Lu and let’s look forward to next week’s final.
Will it be blank canvas Alex - he’s 24 you know - or will down to earth LEE MCQUEEN pip him at the post in his Zonda?
Will feisty Clur and her pearls get her man or will Helene send everyone into a coma and seize the day?
Who wins? You decide.
Oh no, wrong show...

The Car's the Star!

2008-05-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on Week Ten of The Apprentice...

You didn’t forget did you? Doh!
How many people up and down the country failed to remember about the change of day for this week’s episode do you reckon?
Oh well. It was all rather academic in the end.
Stupid Michael, as we all guessed he would, finally got the push. About three months too late.
The teams had to rent out posh cars to (mostly very, very drunk) businessmen in Canary Wharf.
Sounds a piece of cake.
Michael and the rest of Team Loser chose medium priced Ferraris and stuff.
They did okay, mainly thanks to Claire.
But they didn’t stand a chance against “Lee, Alex and The Zonda.”
Now I’m a bit like Lucinda - I haven’t got a clue what was so good about that vehicle.
Just listen to that engine?
No, don’t get it.
But I have to admit those boys looked HOT in their dickie bows.
Poor Michael, on the other hand, looked like a man who’d given up.
Right from the moment when Claire answered the early morning call from Frances (in her jimjams and a lovely pearl necklace??!!), there was none of the usual confident banter.
At one point, Michael was literally chasing a poor punter up the road in a bid to get him to sign a deal.
“I’ll come to your meeting with you!” he said, as the man ran off to call the police (almost).
S’ralan reckoned he had seen “glimmers of brilliance” in this good Jewish boy (he’s 25 in case you’re wondering) - who famously had no idea what kosher meant.
He must have been watching a different show, surely.
The only disappointment is that Sophocles will now miss the gruelling interview task next week.
How I would have loved to see him squirm his way through round after round of questions about his fairy tale CV.
“So you’ve only worked for a year. Where was that then? Acme Inc of America?”

Pass us the tissues - our boy's a gonner!

2008-05-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

Oonagh Robinson on Week Nine of The Apprentice...

No! No! No!
He’s only been gone a few short hours and already the world seems a duller, less interesting place.
Raef the cravat wearing charmer, Raef the floppy haired Shakespeare-quoting sophisticate, Raef the one who everyone in Britain thought was going to win this series of The Apprentice... gone in the blink of an eye.
And it’s all that blardy Sian Lloyd’s flaming fault.
Well, her and that blithering idiot Michael and his brilliant idea to remake Ben Hur just to sell a box of “I Heart Tissues.”
God, have none of them watched The Apprentice before?
Every year, one team does really brilliantly on the advert task - only to fail at the last minute because they forget to mention the product.
Alex and the rest of the All New Team Loser looked just as gob-smacked as the rest of us as they realised their appalling Atishu promo had WON because... well, it did exactly what it said on the tin. (Or, to be accurate, hideous yellow box filled with images of snotty noses).
Altogether now: “Don’t worry, they’re antibacterial!”
So, okay, Raef’s team forgot to mention that bit.
Indeed they were so pleased with getting Sian and the two “Di Caprio-esque” kids and everything, they forgot to even mention they were selling tissues at all.
But that final twist was just too cruel.
Surely, the ghastly Michael - aka Fagin from Oliver - deserved the chop after his 7000th appearance in the boardroom.
Or Claire? She’s a BRAND MANAGER for goodness sake - shouldn’t she have known a bit about how to create a brand?
But no, Raef gallantly took it on the chin so that those two boneheads could survive another week.
The only positive thing about it all is that we can now probably look forward to seeing Raef’s Sky Masterson in Cameron Mackintosh’s next production of Guys n Dolls.
"Luck be a lady tonight, luck be a lady tonight...."

2008-05-16T04:33:00.001-07:00

Soapsuds

Eastenders
Poor old Keef Miller.
He’s hardly in the show at all these days and then we he finally gets a scene, one of his only lines is: "Wellard’s pooed in my shoe."
Is there no end to the humiliation that man has to endure?
We’ve got a sneaking admiration for scruffy old Keef actually.
Ever since he gave the perfect explanation for why you should never put milk in a cup with a teabag before the boiling water when making a cuppa*, we’ve suspected he could be a genius character in the making.
Sort of EastEnders’ answer to Corrie’s Roy Cropper but with a bit of Frank Gallagher from Shameless thrown in.
However, obviously nobody agrees with us because he’s never given any stories. And he’s been axed. Which doesn’t help, obviously.
So it’s more wall to wall Slaters and Mitchells for the next 50 years.
Or maybe the Masoods will take over the show?
This week saw the arrival of their "evil" Uncle Imzamam - played by possibly the worst actor we’ve ever encountered.
Still at least his arrival gave us a chance to get to know snobby Mrs Masood a bit more.
There’s definitely something odd going on in that family. And why is she going off for a secret meeting with him next week?
Maybe she wants to have a word about his acting skills.
* It’s because the molecules in milk are actually bigger than the holes in a teabag. So if you put the milk in at the same time as the teabag, the tea flavour can’t get out properly...QI, no?

2008-05-16T04:21:00.000-07:00

Corrie
Poor Maria Connor. She’s lost her baby. Her husband’s finally got it on with his fancy piece. And, to make matters worse, she seems to have spent the past 17 weeks trapped in a baggy cream cowl-neck sweater. Time to change out of it now, dear, especially if you want to get your man back.
As Maria cowered at Fiz's, Old Cruella was luring Liam to her chic city pad/ tart’s boudoir with a special extended remix of The Drugs Don’t Work. Which seemed to go on for nearly as long as Maria’s been in that sweater. We're not surprised Liam was in a grouchy mood the morning after. If he was anything like us, he had the wretched Verve track lodged in his head for the rest of the week.
Meanwhile, Gail was meeting with her dad for the first time. Gail’s dad, Ted, seems lovely. As does Audrey. What went wrong with Gail?
Ted’s also gay or "not normal" as Gail blunderingly put it.
"Not normal?" he protested, one eyebrow raised.
"I’m a Blairite!" stuttered Gail, trying to make amends. "I voted for Blair!"
An unwitting Audrey then floated in, batted her eyelashes at her old flame and asked him if he’d like to decamp to the Rovers.
"Oh, Ted won’t be decamping anywhere," laughed the fabulous Tina.
Classic Corrie. We can’t wait until David finds out. Do you think he’ll be spraying graffiti on his grandad’s walls the way he did the Grimshaws’, the little homophobe?
Now, we really want to see Sally take her rightful place in the only Coronation Street conservatory, if only because we’d like to see her smack poor "working class" Kev’s hand, every time he reaches for a can of lager. But next week, Clur gets cold feet..

2008-05-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

Emmerdale
Emmerdale’s getting terribly arty on Tuesday nights.
Gone are the days of gossipy old biddies chuntering in the Woolpack while the latest Dingle floozy tried to drag the lord-of-the-manor away for a roll in the hay.
Instead we’re kicking off episodes with atmospheric music; Spanish guitars, moody rock singers, the works...
Meanwhile, all the episodes have names lifted straight from a Jilly Cooper novel like: Betrayal, Denial and Passion.
And after all this build-up, what did we get?
A shot of Viv and Bob wandering around in their dressing gowns, that’s what.
This kind of ‘80s pop video rubbish may work over on Hollyoaks, where everyone has to be under 22 and glamorous or they’re flung in jail and left to rot (quite literally... look at poor Becca).
But with Emmerdale, as with Shadrach Dingle, it simply won’t wash.
This week’s hour-of-fun focused on Viv being thrown into prison for taking part in a very complicated storyline that’s been dragging on so long we can’t really remember it. Fraud. Identity theft. Or something.
Bob somehow got mired in the mess too – possibly by dint of having a solicitor who looked like David Miliband.
Next week, Laurel and Ashley continue to argue about Arthur.